You are correct that as individuals we can make the decision any time we want. What you are implying though are really two questions.
The first;
Quote:
What I want to explore is when is it not a good choice to stand.
This is a good question. What if the sack of ashes was hot out of the oven? Would somebody still dump the ashes on their head or think about it for a second? Would somebody pour that same bag of hot ashes over themselves if they had been drinking all night and were plastered out of their mind? Would they do it they were plastered with a bunch of plastered friends egging them on and nobody was thinking about the burn they would get?
I would say no to the first one, maybe to the second one, and quite possibly to the third. What has been helpful for a lot of us is to detach, breathe, think, and then decide as opposed to just doing. We don't ask people to stand up...we help them get to a place were they stand up for the right reasons. so the bad time to stand up...is when you haven't slown down enough to think.
Why do people stand up for so long?...depends on the person. I think in some cases it is a self-esteem issue, but in others it is a commitment to principles. In others it may be that they truly haven't had enough pain to fall out of love and others due to the financial implications.
There are some people on here who have been here for a long time, but there is many, many more who have been here, got through it, and moved on. Some may just stick around because they have friendships on here.
In the end...people will stop standing when the time is right for them.
Unfortunately many stand to be martyr's, problem with that is, unless you are being a martyr for a worthwhile cause, no one really cares.
What do I care, or what should anyone care, for what other people think in this?
Is it unhealthy to stand for a marriage?
...
It is not that cut and dry.
It is unhealthy to be in denial? Long term, more than likely.
It is not the cut and dry to suggest that long terms standers are hurting themselves. There is far more to this, than black and white.
Variables: Is the spouse really in MLC. Is the LBSer growing, but keeping the door open for the possibility or a reconcilliation. How much time is too much?
There are so many different factors that their is no one thing that say if you are standing for 2 years you are STUCK.
I have a huge problem with telling someone whether or not they should hope. It is not my job, or place, and who the F am I to take away someone's hope.
That is why I absolutely believe it is up to the LBSer. I think that as the LBSer grows and developes past the person they were when they first came here...they get the tools to decide how long is enough.
What about the spouses that come back aft 2 years...or 4...did the LBS in that situation wait too long? Was it unhealthy for them?
...
On the flip side?
Are there people I 'worry' about here?
I think there are people we all worry about...
But again, they need to figure it out.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
So how many people are standing her for over two years that are stuck? I know a few but even they seem to be working on changing. What really shocks me is the amount of people that give up on their marriages after a short time.
What I want to explore is when is it not a good choice to stand
HI Bravey :-)
When you don't know if you are making a choice to stand b/c it is what you want or b/c you read things that say, give it one more day, try it again....you can do this...
You feel like greeeeeeeaaaat, maybe I do want to stand again, and your head spins... You are on information overload.
Normal everyday interactions are labeled as maybe meaning the WAS is coming back.
It made my head spin....
I think the information here given to the wonderful people that come here should ONLY be Take care of you... You matter...
Don't even bring standing or not standing into the converstion
Once the info gets into the arena of , put on make up when he comes over, put a smile on your face, when he sees you, let him make the first move, no let her move out, don't call the lawyer, call the lawyer. Reply to the email this way... Don't reply..
When you read all of this, and you are trying to be a single mom or dad, and have your babies holding on to you at night, screaming why their mom or dad just left, it makes you want to sleep for days....it is way to much...
It is so very personal if someone wants to stand for their marriage, even if we can plainly see that they are standing for something that is abusive. The light bulb has to go off on the person.....at their own time...
The goal here is to get the self esteem up on people I think that was DBING is about..... AND we can only do that by being a cheerleader of YOU ARE GOING TO BE BETTER THAN FINE..and you will be... Put in the work to better yourselves and free yourself of what keeps you in bondage...
If these people come back or not should not even matter..
The advice should not be geared toward them coming back or not..It should focus on the LBS getting healthy soul, body and spirit... Take care of you, so then in turn you can take care of your children, your finances, your heart, your health....
THEN you are able to respond to their weird emails, their phone calls.. their crap.
Enjoy the wonderful life that is out there to be lived.... Get your footing back.......
If the focus is on the LBS becoming the best person they can be, then you don't have to worry about , is your stand good enough... Did you stand long enough....
Am I doing enough? maybe if I did this, they would come back?
THE GOAL IS YOU........ fall in love with YOU again.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Powerful post and lots of good sense just when I needed to hear it!
Although I have been doing GAL type stuff I am still way too involved with the craziness of my husbands MLC. It is hard when he is still in the house to try to detach. He is pushing for divorce, yet he is here most of the time..... hard to not have hope.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Again, nice posts and info. Jack, about your reply about not caring about what others think, I was only pointing out that to be a martyr in a hopeless marriage was silly, and I wasn't trying to be black and white, however, I do believe that most situations here are pretty cut and dry. Jack, I know you and I disagree on that point, so we will agree to disagree. Lissie, I feel honored to have a reply from you! I don't see you on here much anymore! You have some excellent points! I do want to add this; I have spoken to some people who have stood and did get their spouse back, and they feel bad about themselves for putting up with the things they tolerated. I have to think that long term standing and rejection would have to work on someone mentally. I do agree with those who say that in standing, the LBS must focus on themselves and move forward improving themselves, sadly, many on here really don't do that and focus much of their time wondering about the WAS, MLCer, etc.
Figgy's posts are always so insightful and powerful and never preachy- (not that anyones here are!) , arent they? love to read them, even now! Always some little nugget to learn and ponder
She should be a teacher..
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Most of has, especially us that are new, we need hope.
I'm going to keep my word to my little MLC'er, because that's all I got.
In the mean time, I know what mistakes I made and what I'd like to do to make it better if given the chance.
So yeah I pray for her and a lot of other people.
In the mean time, I really am not afraid of anything, absolutely nothing. This was my worst fear and I am living throught it and I am not going to owe that entitled little MLC'er, nothing, I am even going to pay for her divorce, why?!
Real easy to prove a point, don't ever try to get over on a guy that gave everything and it still wasn't enough, I'm man enough to look at myself admit my faults, but all someone has in life is there word.
And more importantly to for myself, if a person does not have a goal to work for, man your dead, and don't set a date.
"Man's Search For Meaning" great book, someone can do what they want to us, we control how we let it affects us.
I want to prove to myself, I can rebuild with no ones help and my kids, I did what I said I'd do and more importantly I did not cut down their mom, like their mom did me.
Yes it hurts, it hurts like hell, but I am determined to show those kids and her what they are missing WHICH WAS Me, not the overworked,stressed out,person I was before.
