Hi SC, I agree with CW, your H doesn't know what he wants. He sounds like he on the ultimate roller coaster ride! I think you are wise to stand way back and continue to detach and watch. He's no where near done and is just spinning. I can't imagine that someone could keep up the pace that he's seems to be going without bottoming out from pure mental exhaustion at some point.
I'm sure some of our MLC scholars will be able to explain what's going on and why your H is acting as he is.
SecondChance, Your husband is bouncing all over the place...mlc confusion. He wants to reconcile and yet, he wants his own place and is decorating it. Quite frankly, the man doesn't know what he wants except to be reassured that you will be there for him no matter what. Reminds me of someone who wants to leave home, but is still very much tied to "mom's" apron strings.
I honestly don't think he'll be much better if he were living under the same roof w/you. He would be constantly picking and complaining about anything and everything you do that he doesn't like. Nothing will please him while he's like this.
At least w/him living at another location, you've had some breathing room....what will you have if he moves back in? You could always to a trial run for a full weekend, Friday to Sunday, to see how it goes.
I think you've done a great job in detaching and staying out of drama. He's still got a ways to go before he settles down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh yeah, your H is so confused, and just from reading this post, now I`m confused. One thing I am sure about is that you have grown so much. You now realize how important detaching is, and to focus on yourself.
Stand your ground and go with your gut instinct. You`re doing great.
Think I should switch to your moniker, lol? I am truley a confused wife at the moment!
Maybe you are right. - He doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and decide to leave. - But I won't tell him to go. - Also he would like to try some more to "prove?" that it doesn't work, but I won't let him do that either!
And so I currently "stand", though maybe just on one foot! I wish he'd just "wake up" so we could get on with our lives. Or "man up" and take hold of his responsiblities. Or just leave!!!!
Thanks! Although I don't think wise really comes into play!!! I'm just terrified of hurting. He not only keeps up that pace, but keeps the MLC lifestyle going at that pace, his decorating, his work on my house (just the tiny bit I let him do is 1000x more than you can imagine), and his work and travel too. I'm exhausted just watching!! But it doesn't seem to end. Though he complains that he "does" and "does" and then no one appreciates it!!
Hey, I read your first post way back when I was first looking at the board, but I never posted back then. It really struck me because we were sort of going for the lifestyle you have/had when everything blew up in our relationship. It was a strange irony to read it. How are you doing?
So good to see your name on my thread, always brightens my day.
I am starting to read more posts on the boards, and am starting to understand more what you talk about with WH's coming back and then leaving again. How absolutely awful for the LBS and the kids. Thank you so much for watching out for us, for warning me about this. I don't know what to do about it, if anything, but at least I am more aware. The temptation to bring them home is so great, but if it's too early, it's a terrible consequence. But then you're so scared to wait, for fear of driving them away.
The Mom's apron strings thing, you mention, has me going too. I moved out as a teenager, couldn't wait, and never looked back. WH moved back with his parents several times as a young adult. And still has daily disucssions about his life and relationships with his mother. You'd never know by meeting him. it's bizarre in a fully grown man, father, husband, etc. What is with him?!
I think you're right about the "under the same roof" thing too. But he's getting very snarky about being pushed so far away too. At some point I'm going to have to give in and accept that this is who he is, and put up with his attitude, or walk from the marriage. Yes?
I'm glad to hear you're confused -- not because I want to confuse you -- but at least it makes me feel more sane that I'm not understanding all the conflicting messages, lol! Hope that makes some sense!
I don't know how much I've grown, but I will say that sometimes it is nice to have quiet time to myself, not to have to answer to anyone, to raise the kids the way I want (and they are thriving so I must be doing something OK at the moment), to eat what I want, sleep when I want, and be friends with my friends and so on. Maybe I'm just meant to be more independant. I sometimes think that if this doesn't work out, I will NEVER get married again, and that will be just fine by me! But then I miss having a guy! I don't know. What do I know?!
We were all supposed to have a nice sit-down dinner this evening, and I prepared everything, as a family, with the kids, and now WH is 3 hours late bringing them back from their visit with him and told me to scrap it. So sorry. Whatever.
Also, he'd like me to take photos of his live-away apartment (I'm pretty good with a camera), because there is a contest and he thinks he can win some design awards with it. Doesn't think I have a very busy social life so please could I come one night this week. For real!! I can just see him boasting to friends and family about the pictures of his apartment. How humiliating. And he has no clue.
SC...I am probably not in the mood tonight to dispense very good device but I say...NO, do not take the pics for him after he left you waiting for 3 hrs and ruins the family dinner!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Sch - How selfish, rude and self absorbed could one be? Try not to let him rattle you. He doesn't have a clue, he only thinks about himself and what's good for him. I know how frustrating it is when they don't show any consideration for your work (dinner) or your feelings (photos). But that's MLC... It stinks
Look at the positive - if you already have the dinner made...you don't have to cook tomorrow .
As for the pictures...it's up to you, if it upsets you too much don't be afraid to tell him NO.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
