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A Message from Michele
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kerry, not to quibble but the online ad (Of FIB's) was a tad off for me too. She Seemed to know a lot about what she didn't want and that always turns me off, and also she spoke of putting herself first, or mostly, and that gave a whiff of MLC to me. Having said that, I had mixed feelings b/c a lot of the other parts were spot on about what realistic expectations she has of a relationship but at times it was too calm for me (like "Settling") and at times too...strict?? Your ad had the phrase "neat freak" which is an alarm bell for ME, but if you're also neat, don't let it be. Let MY type of concerns freak you out b/c I believe in hiring cleaning help if affordable, and lowering standards if not... cool
Just sayin'...
j


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Great answers all. Know what? I think I am going thru MY changes too!! I feel inferior..secondary...that my home isn't as good. I am doing the best that I can right now. Even keeping the house straight is hard work with my time.

S9 started travel league practice yesterday and I got MORE time with him. He was all over me with the I love u's and for the first time in awhile, he showed me affection with hugging and kissing me. Was hard not to lose it when I dropped him off but I kept straight.

This is NOT easy my friends. I feel worse with D7: she feels estranged although I know she loves me. (sigh)

Final note..yesterday, after fielding a ground ball during my son's practice, my finger felt funny. Right 4th distal finger tip was bent. Without any pain or warning, I apparently ruptured the extensor tendon of my right 4th finger. Not the best for a surgeon. Had to get coverage for the ER last night. Today, the finger is going to be pinned. Ouch. I SHOULD be able to operate with it.

Accident or message from above????

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Dec 2007
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YIKE! Definitely not good for a surgeon. frown

I'm voting accident. What kind of message from above would that be?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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ugh--that bites!! hope it heals up quickly for you! what are the chances of that happening?!


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Hey Fielding Frank..

The finger? It's only a message if it's the third.

Your daughter? Smile, hug, tickle.. step away. Read how Smileys Person handles his situation with his young children.

It's not about you when the kids are suffering. It's about them.. what does it take, what is appropriate, how is the best way to assure them of your unconditional love and acceptance as a parent, a father, a daddy. As tough as it is, take off the hair shirt of angst and be the dad for your sweet children.

You are safe.
You are love.
Wherever you are is always home for them.

*hugs*

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You are rushing things my friend. Give the kids a chance to adjust. It takes time - lots of it. You are focused on the situation so much that you notice things that went unnoticed before. Don't dwell on it and don't beat yourself up.

And you take time too. Ask me how I know what #2 parent feels like. It sucks, but you adapt. Single parenting is a new skill. Give it time.

And feel those emotions: remember our discussions of how feeling emotions make you whole? Feeling the sadness, the sorrow, fear and anger. Letting go of the resentment, blame, indifference, guilt, insecurity, hopelessness, and jealousy. It all takes time.

Give it time. Things will settle down. Ask me how I know that too.

Strength and honor.


Jeff

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What I might write:

Bad relationships teach what to avoid. Good relationships on what to embrace.

Perfection of body is not a criteria; respecting who you are is.

Kicking dogs, not doing something for your mother on Mother's Day, and spending more time checking yourself out in the mirror than it takes to get ready are not so good.

Being actively involved with your children (if you have them), not having your couch custom molded to your posterior and having snorted while laughing at least once in your life (soda through the nose is an acceptable alternative) all get you somewhere.

Me? Beginning a friendship is more important than acting on lust. No microwave soul mates need apply.


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To All:

Divorce has made my son a good baseball player. Throughout the last four years, there were times when S9 would have me outside 3-4 times a day for a catch. Sometimes at 7:30AM before the school bus came. It was an emotional need for him. Well, my son is now the starting 3rd baseman on his travel league and drove in 3 runs tonite. I'm proud of him. XW was at the game. She arrived late, dressed in tight jeans and a baseball type of shirt. I acknowledge her....communicate with regards to which kid goes where...and that is all. I focus on S9 and the game.

I miss my children terribly even tho' XW is giving me (unloading on me?) chunks of time here and there. Over the 4th, they slept over Friday thru Sat AM and spent 3 hours with me on Sunday night. On paper it could have been a six day stretch without seeing them. I'm sure you all know that the additional time now is NOT because the kids are begging for it but for her needs. That is fine by me.

Although I have adjusted to living alone in a 3000 sq ft house, I have NOT adjusted to not having my kids at night.

I miss them.

In fact, I miss them terribly.

I recall one friend here telling me how he would just stay home all the time and read and do chores. I tried to tell him to get out and start anew. Well....I can empathize now. I stayed home most of the 4th weekend. Well....actually...there was a lot of work to catch up with around the house so, I played Mr. Landscaper and Merry Maid (er Man).

D7 seems to be drifting away from me emotionally. She comes home and immediately starts playing with her dolls. I try to involve her but she wants me to 'leave her alone'. Her calls and texts have all but stopped. The 'I miss you's' are less. In fact, I haven't received one in a week or two.

I feel secondary.

I feel outside.

I feel like I 'lost'.

I feel humiliated to ask for an extra hour with our children, or, "can I take them for ice cream."

It's humiliating, to me, to ask for time with our children.

Although I am at a loss for all this, most of my friends here and outside say that "they are adjusting and still love you." "They are older now and growing up."

Perhaps.

I do the best I can to engage D7. I buy crafts to try and do with her. I buy kitchen projects to do with her like baking cookies or making sour candy. In fact, I just ordered a bicycle trailer that looks like half a bike that attaches to underneath my seat so that D7 can ride with me and S9 (she still refuses to learn how to ride a bike).

I kiss her all the time.

I tell her how much I love her.

I'm not sure that there is much else I can do right now outside of just being a dad.

Finally, the website dating stuff, well, bleh. I call them 'meet and greets' and they've all been horrible. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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fib,
I was everywhere you are now, 19 years ago. All those feelings. This is what I did:
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
I'm not sure that there is much else I can do right now outside of just being a dad.
End game. Raison d'etre. The absolute best I could.
My two sons, now 31 and 34, are the closest relationships in my life.
Even before the (first) divorce - when they were toddlers - I knew I wasn't raising children, but men. And would ask myself - often in the most trying of moments - "what do I want our relationship to be when they are men, twenty, thirty years from now? Respond accordingly now. Build that today. And every day"
Stay the course, fib. Build it. Endure the pain and loss and prioritize their pain and loss.
It will bear the sweetest of fruit.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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FIB..

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

Finding what works for you also shows what doesn't. Pat yourself on the back for ticking one off the list.

Reassure your children that they don't have to choose between you and their mom. That you love them. And define boundaries.

If something isn't working then try another tack. Leave something interesting out. Stay within sight. Don't hover but just be around. Even the greatest resistance softens with proximity. If going to her isn't working, let your daughter come to you.

Make cookies or some other activity by yourself. Let her decide if she wants to be part of the action. And try seeking out Smiley's Person for tips. He has young children, too, and could be a good sounding board.

After the emotional trauma everyone is lost and hurt. Give yourself time to heal. Maybe even.. *gasp*.. seek counseling. My friend would push me, "Kathleen, if you broke your arm, would you set it yourself or go to a professional, a doctor to make sure it healed right? Going to a counselor is no different."

Everyone has to the process a divorce. Better sooner than later with someone who knows their stuff.

And remember.. You are the best. You are an incredible dad, excel in your field and are the bastion of honor.

One step at a time. Call your friends.

*hugs*

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