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A Message from Michele
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Yep, I told you there is relief from getting away from her and also the lonesome times without the kids. Be prepared that it will get worse as your time with the kids is less than hers. Six days is easy - like you are on a business trip. But when the routine sets in and and you get only 1/3 time ... it sucks.

My response to the her on the lock change: get used to it. She pi$$ed that part of her life away and is no longer welcome in your house unless asked.

Go slow on the dating. Have some fun rather than a relationship. Go back and read some of our books like Dr Gray and Double Your Dating. Good stuff there. Time also to revisit your terms as a man (N.U.T.S). We are still the walking wounded - need I say more Doc. You operate on a guy one day - I bet you don't tell him to go run a 5K the next day. Same for dating.

You sound good. Keep us posted. Time to start a new thread - this one has too much about divorce in in. Time to toss it and focus on the future. "Awards Night" as you called this thread is over.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Hi all.

It's been nearly 10 days since my last post as I begin to fade out here from DB land. Since that time, I filed a police report against my XW for barging into the house last week without warning. I felt violated. I had changed the locks but the door was closed but unlocked. Learned my lesson. It scared the children, my cousins and me. Now, my kids ask me to lock the door and 'will mommy break in again?". Took me time to explain about our 2 separate homes, respect, etc.

After 2 weeks, I am still being insulted in texts, somewhat harassed, but, I guess, tolerable.

I miss my children but I think I am slowly?, ?somewhat?, kinda? adapting to their absence. However, I am feeling like I am secondary, or, as a joke, just like #2. I DO think they enjoy some 'freedom' when they are with me. D7 sends me goodnite texts, I miss you notes, self-taken photos on her phone and voice notes. S9, well, it's spotty, but, he DOES seem to miss me. He loves XW but he is afraid of her.

The two of them gave me a hard time this morning. S9 didn't want to complete the 2nd of two tryouts for his baseball summer league. I required him to go (remember, he is an avid BB player and made the All Star team). Last year, I let him talk me out of his playing and, afterward, he was crying for weeks when his cousins and neighbor came home with amazing BB uniforms. I think it was his way of trying to stay home and play video games. D7 wanted pizza and when we got to our usual pizza place, suddenly, she didn't want THAT brand of pizza and wanted to go somewhere else after we arrived. GRRRRR.

It worked out.

Both apologized to me later. On the way home for our 'final' dinner before they went back, I asked them "Hi-Lo": what was their high point over the weekend and what was their low point. There were no low's.

It's a horrible feeling as a man....as a hands on father...as someone who was ready to pursue full custody, to now feel second rank to an anger driven, vindictive 'child-using' ex spouse. I don't care WHAT is written into the stips. They ultimately have the upper hand and control. Even my attorney now recommends that I pick up my children with another adult with me (a witness), to prevent the NEXT issue from arising.

There is little that I can do.

On the positive, I met the father of one of the boys on my baseball team that I help coach. Turns out that he worked for most of his career for a large real estate tycoon in NYC (I'm sure you can guess) and was recently divorced from a well known movie actress. He had the same law guardian as I did and from his political circles from prior to his divorce, knew virtually all the judges and many atty's. He gave me an amazing 'posthumous' view of my divorce proceedings and I apologize in advance if some of HIS comments annoy some of the women here:
  • that my judge was a tough mommy judge, pro mommy all the way
  • that our law guardian was a feminist and HE wasn't getting his kids until his actress-wife showed up at his children's school 'lit up' and the school notified CPS and 911. THEN...the LG changed her mind. Recall, my LG was chatting away socially with my then STBXW in spite of the facts that I had written
  • that our XW's were broken people
  • that XW's atty had a reputation for 'never letting anything end', i.e., billing the hell out of you


Everything fits to a T.

So, there you have it.

The emails from the date website are slowly waning after the initial flurry. Out of 3:
-one was OK
-one was the ex-wife of a physician in my hospital
-one was 'batchit'

Ugh.

I hope all of you are well. Haven't been here much. Most can find me on 'visage livre' as they say in French.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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Glad to hear from you, FIB! Sounds like you are doing well. Good for you on filing the report against your ex! She's gotta learn sometime. I'm just sorry that she gave you, the kids, and your cousins such a fright....and that she gave you cause for having to file a report.

I'm thrilled that the kids are doing such a great job of keeping in touch w/you. You will find that boys don't communicate as much as girls. I hear from my daughter all the time when she is at her dad's; but, seldom from my son.

Remember ALWAYS that you are a VERY IMPORTANT part of your children's lives!! And, you are doing an EXCELLENT job! So proud of you!

Take Care and Continue to keep in touch!

deb


M:June 28,2008
H:Awesome Man!
S:28
SS:25
SS:21
D:19
S:16

"Love Never Fails!"

"God doesn't take anything out of our lives without replacing it with something far better." -Billy Graham
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FIB, I am glad you posted. I contacted you on the alt. but I was getting a little worried.

Let me just tell you that you are not number 2 in your kids eyes. Children know much more than we give them credit for. They do. And they are watching. You are their daddy, their rock. You provide stability and security. They love you, Frank. You can be sure of it.

I know that there is prejudice in the legal system. All kinds. It sucks.

As for the dating thing, it will happen. Probably when you least expect it.

You need time to heal, time to get used to it all.

Take the free time you have and fill it with things you enjoy.

I wish you peace, my friend, and happiness.

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Ah Frank,

Ca, c'est la vie...or as my brother's poem goes, "C'est la vie, C'est le guerre, c'est la pomme de terre"....("that's life, that's war, that's a potato")

Anyhow, am in total agreement that you need a witness to attend your pick ups. But of course! In time it'll get better b/c it has to, even your ex has a wearing down point...and if she goes the other way and totally flips, you'll get the kids. See? Win win..

As for the dating, as someone here said, watch yourself as you are wounded. I'd hide the fact that you are a physician as long as possible Frank. Seriously I would. I think your ex hooked onto that and hid her flaws quite well before you married and she also hid her giant expectations too. Like the one where she said "I never expected to have to work at the age of 35"...(that's the comment that makes us "first wives" want to strangle the newbies. You know, those women who like doctors who are already finished with the unpleasant side of becoming who they are today, like the 96 hour work weeks, having NO money for YEARS, and finally coming home-oops, only to fall asleep AT the table while talking to the children...sort of. Yeah, those women FIB... beware) Again, leave out where you work b/c you could also get a stalker and I'm serious. Wackos of both kinds.

I'm reminded of the guy who said "a lot of women won't go out with me a 2nd time JUST b/c of my housing sitch" (translation-he shares a house with 5 other men, AND further translation, he's semi-homeless) AND one who said "all women care about is money" which MAY have been valid except it turns out HE decided monthly, what HE thought his kids needed in terms of money and sometimes he doesn't work so much and so...ooops, turns out he is on unemployment. (Yeah, she's so materialistic.) I read once that men wanted a mate who was attractive and didn't nag. And that women wanted security and fidelity. I have to say that the comment on women sounds about accurate for most. But as for us now...

When I talk to my single friends, I can say that MOST healthy attractive women over 40 (no I do not include your ex in this category) just want 1) a functional guy (=holds a job down and doesn't have a major glaring flaw like big gambling, a bad addiction, pathological lying, or a weirdo temper), 2) a man who won't be a succubus taking what little wealth she may have, (can't believe how many men are openly attracted to professional women b/c of the money and they're SO OBVIOUS about it!!) and 3) a man with a modicum of sensitivity and kindness who won't stomp on our or our children's hearts, and 4) physically, a man who can open the jar of pickles, thinks we're sexy, and can keep up if we go on a 2 mile hike...
Am I off here ladies? Let's keep it simple now...

I assume you gentlemen here can also keep it simple, (of course you're ALL gentlemen) so you want a woman without batchittness and who doesn't hate all men...and who weighs less than you do (UNLESS you like your women meatier). Oh, and though we're all tempted to say men are oh so shallow for wanting pretty women, (well, you could concede that) let's agree that everyone wants to feel some chemistry for their prospective partners...

What is it that SHOULD be on those posts? I can say that if he describes his body as being "athletic" it apparently means he needs to lose 20 lbs. "Needs to lose a few" means a lot. While I do think it's nice to feel like the female of the species, why post comments that will make the date visibly disappointed when you meet?

Oh a huge turn off is the guys who won't date a woman their own age, or worse, no women over 40 although THEY are over 50 themselves. I mean, if they don't want kids, what's the problem? If the woman is attractive, why does that guy rule them out? Would he say no to Christie Brinkley? She's over 50. I think it's an ego thing that is a huge turn off b/c it reeks of insecurity and double standards. (Why even openly admit that? Just ignore the "older" ones if you want
My brother dated a college student when he was 45 y/o and just looked foolish. He wanted a trophy wife but the thing is trophy wife wants a trophy h and in Washington DC that means you hold elected office (which you can lose) or you earn over $350k in a secure job. Took him 5 silly and expensive years to finally marry a woman of substance his own age.

FIB, you're going to be fine if you don't let that empty house make you start thinking batchitt looks good. Know what we mean?

Why not just have some fun with a good female companion, and see what happens from there? Isn't that what the "normals" do now?

((( j )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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After Cori's ex, several times, went on screaming rampages at the normal drop off point (a rest. mid-way) and then threatened to hunt me down and kill me while ALL our kids were in the car, as I was backing out of the parking lot for a pick-up...

we decided to use a family visitation center

drop offs and pick ups are monitored by a staff and video cameras. We arrive 10 mins before drop off time and get to leave 10 mins after she picks her up

it has been a tremendous stress reliever for us and has made pick ups and drop offs easier and we have court documentation now that she does show up late and drop off late etc etc

AND

we never have to see her face

BONUS

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Originally Posted By: figgeroni
After Cori's ex, several times, went on screaming rampages at the normal drop off point (a rest. mid-way) and then threatened to hunt me down and kill me while ALL our kids were in the car, as I was backing out of the parking lot for a pick-up...

we decided to use a family visitation center

drop offs and pick ups are monitored by a staff and video cameras. We arrive 10 mins before drop off time and get to leave 10 mins after she picks her up

it has been a tremendous stress reliever for us and has made pick ups and drop offs easier and we have court documentation now that she does show up late and drop off late etc etc

AND

we never have to see her face

BONUS


Jesus Figg...thank GOD there's something you can do. OMG...sooo gross.
I can only imagine how many "incidents" that occurred before the authorities and "experts" realized that the batchitts out there are trouble makers.
(SIGH)
j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
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Posts: 951
I know...
nutjobs seem to be everywhere

It takes a bit to rattle me
but she is so mentally ill
she makes me nervous

and

the worst was that she decided to do all that crap in front of all the kids

her daughter was sobbing and my boys looked like they were ready to lay the smack down

she followed us down the highway for awhile too
all the while calling Cori nonstop

AND

the jusdge makes us pay(?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) for the visitation center

oh well

next court date is August 23rd...she wants full custody
we want supervised visists

all we can do is pray that what is best for Aubrey happens

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(sigh)

Sorry fig that you are going thru this too. It's horrible. XW looks even thinner than ever now and has this pathologic look in her eyes when I look at her.

I met her to do passports yesterday. I didn't want to end up in court for something as stupid as that. She DID let them stay over last night during her visitation. It was wonderful. You see, from 8PM Wedneday until 4PM the following Tuesday is a helluva long time. It hurts, plain and simple.

I feel degraded and less than equal: "XW, can the kids stay over an extra hour? They're having fun."

I have to ask for more time with my children.

As for the dating thing:
1) one 'eh'
2) one semi-stalker
3) one ex wife of a colleague where I work
4) one semi batchitt

I'm done for now. Not renewing that one month subscription.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 17,345
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Fib - were these four women YOU contacted, or four who contacted you? How many did you contact?

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