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Will I ever be forgiven??? #1954174
03/08/10 08:11 PM
03/08/10 08:11 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
M
Mom of 2 Cherubs Offline OP
Member
Mom of 2 Cherubs  Offline OP
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
Hello all. I am a WAW that is now D and happily living with a new man. My XH posted on these message boards quite regularly while we were going through our issues. I know he received a lot of support and help from the others on this site. I am hoping to gain just a little bit of that support and maybe some insight from other WAS or LBS.

In early January of this year I sort of had an awakening and realized just how much I hurt my XH during the two years of infidelity, then trying to work on things and all the way through our D. I always thought I understood what I was doing and it was all justified.

Sometime in January I started feeling like I had woken up from a terrbile dream only to realize it wasn't a dream, and I was the one responsible for all the pain. I am ashamed of myself for breaking his heart the way I did. Ashamed of things I said and did. I remember XH saying to me that he didn't know who I was anymore, I wasn't being me, etc, etc. and he was right. I am so not the person that I had become for those two years. only now that i am in theis relationship with this new man am I understaanidng the level of hurt that I caused. When I think about the possibility of new man treating me the way I treated XH it scares me and breaks my heart to think about it. Now, mind you, nothing has happened with new man to make me think he would treat me the way I had treated my ex but we have had our share of ups and downs. It is in the down moments of this new realtionship that I feel very insecure about and think what if he is going to do to me what I did to ex and it devestates me. I feel so incredibly guilty for what I did. The cheating and lying and being just downright bitchy for no reason.

Am I asking too much to ever be forgiven? Can I ever expect that XH and I will ever be friends again? Sometimes I think that we might be getting to the point where we can be friends but then he turns and gets nasty again.

I have gone over and over in my head of what I would say to XH "when the time is right" to explain how terrible i feel and to ask for the forgiveness, but I always chicken out. Or it's not the right time because we are "swapping" the kids and it's too crazy or whatever the reason is i haven't said a word to him about my guilt.

I also don't want him to think that i am asking for him to take me back because that isn't the case. I am just so truly sorry for the way I treated him. He didn't deserve it and the guilt is eating me up inside.

Not sure if anyone will have any advice but I thought I would try.

Thank you.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,rather by the moments that take our breath away.
M38,H40
M14
K D11 S8
D - June 09
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1954190
03/08/10 08:33 PM
03/08/10 08:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
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Lotus Offline
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Lotus  Offline
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Posts: 1,531
Hi Mom,

Yes, I remember both you and your H. It is likely he will see your post here. Which was your preferred way of communicating with him at the time. So that much has not changed.

From what I have heard, he picked up the pieces of his life and has found happiness again. And you say that you have too. We cannot have it all in life. At some point we all have to make our choices. It is good when those choices can lead to both people being happy again.

Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Lotus] #1954204
03/08/10 08:51 PM
03/08/10 08:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
M
Mom of 2 Cherubs Offline OP
Member
Mom of 2 Cherubs  Offline OP
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
I find it interesting that you picked up on my post so quickly and know, remember so much about my sitch.

And yes my method typically has be to write things out - here or elsewhere, right or wrong it is how I can organize my thoughts and TRY to not say something that would be taken out of context.

Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1954618
03/09/10 08:23 AM
03/09/10 08:23 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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BigJohn Offline
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BigJohn  Offline
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Mom,

I don't know who your XH is so not familiar with the particulars of your sitch. Speaking from my own perspective as a LBS, the chances are probably very slim that you will ever truly be friends again with your XH given the magnitude of your betrayal not only to your XH but also to your kids. My STBXW has hurt me so bad that at the apex of her A, I experienced (very brief) thoughts of suicide- and I consider myself a very mentally strong person. I have never experienced such deep and profound emotions of sorrow, disappointment and anger- to name a few- ever in my life.

Right now I am dealing with a S10 so pent up with rage towards my STBXW that he has viciously physically attacked her several times and his own therapist presently considers it too dangerous for him to be around her. My S10 was a happy sweet little boy who loved his mother more than anything in the world before my STBXW's EA/PA. My S12 and D4 are also having serious issues whereas before the EA/PA they had none and were happy, well adjusted children. My STBXW's A (and now possible MLC)has devastated us financially and we may ultimately lose our home.

I hate to say this, because I do empathize with you, but instinctively, I would suggest you consider just leaving this poor man alone. Try to focus on making amends with your children instead.

One question I am curious about is whether the new man knows the true circumstances surrounding your D- does he know you cheated?

I am sorry for your loss. I wish I could be more upbeat and positive in my feedback. I would give serious consideration to seeing a therapist to help you deal with and find ways to manage your guilt.

Take care and good luck.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: BigJohn] #1954755
03/09/10 03:28 PM
03/09/10 03:28 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
M
Mom of 2 Cherubs Offline OP
Member
Mom of 2 Cherubs  Offline OP
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M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
Hi Big John,

I appreciate your candor. Your sitch is a bit different than mine in that our children do not know about the A. In time i am sure they will know and i will deal with it when they are older. I don't ever expect that they will understand but i just hope they will be better able to see things from both sides and not be so angry at me. I truly fear the day my children know the whole truth.

Yes this new man knows ALL about my D. He is/was the OM. That fact alone is what I believe will hinder me and XH to ever really being friends again. I am sure your (and others) response to this will be, make a choice between XH and BF - but it is not that simple, not for me anyway.

So I know that it is not about me getting everything I want - it's not ever going to happen. i just hope we can get to a place that is more civil and respectful.

I truly wish you luck in your sitch and hope that you are all able to come to place where there is peace between you and the relationships can be mended. Esp between your STBXW and the kids.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,rather by the moments that take our breath away.
M38,H40
M14
K D11 S8
D - June 09
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Lotus] #1954756
03/09/10 03:31 PM
03/09/10 03:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
M
Mom of 2 Cherubs Offline OP
Member
Mom of 2 Cherubs  Offline OP
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 56
New Jersey
Lotus - I just wanted to say, I don't believe XH will be reading this on here. I am sure he no longer has any desire to know what i am writing/feeling.

He is in a much better place now with a woman that (from what I have heard) is a great person. for that i am grateful.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,rather by the moments that take our breath away.
M38,H40
M14
K D11 S8
D - June 09
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1954811
03/09/10 04:31 PM
03/09/10 04:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
You know, up until the post where you said your kids don't know about the A, OM, I would have thought this was the journal of my former WAW. The timeline, the D, the finally waking up one day and realizing what had been done and how horrid it was and not wanting to be treated the same.

Much like Big John though, my kids knew, she up and moved out with OM and carried out her new life right in front of them without a care in the world until her 'awakening'.

I don't know what to tell you. I carried so much hurt and anger towards her for so long, yet still loved her at the same time.

What it all comes down to, is your XH will always care for you as the mother of his children. How he deals with everything else, is only the monster that all this created, and how much fault is willed into acceptance on each side.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: dday101798] #1954908
03/09/10 06:05 PM
03/09/10 06:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,063
west coast
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lodo Offline
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lodo  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,063
west coast
Hey Mom,

I remember you and your sitch. I never posted anything to you, but I found insight into my own sitch thanks to the posts you and your XH made.

My XW probably regrets the hurt she gave me and has come close to saying as much, but I think at the time she saw no other alternatives so sacrificed our friendship and M to her career and OM. As time has continued to pass, she keeps making overtures about being friends and wanting to stay involved in my life, sometimes even coming close to expressing regret, but I feel like I've had to harden my heart against her so have stayed distant. No one I've ever known or been friends with would have treated me the way she did. Like DDay mentions, I still love her, but I will never look to her for friendship. I say this so you know where I'm coming from - I can't say it's a good reaction or bad reaction, but it is my reaction. In any case, I'm sure your XH has hardened his heart as well and would probably not be all that receptive to an apology, or at least, it probably wouldn't be as meaningful to him as it would be for you.

That said, apologies are more for the person who gives them. So if it would help you find closure, why not write the apology you want to? It is up to the receiver of an apology to either respond with forgiveness or hold on to bitterness, but you would at least have the good conscience of admitting your mistakes and leaving them in the past.

I remember 2 other posters that struggled with similar issues. They aren't exactly the same, but maybe you can find something useful. Here are links to their posts:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1513337&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1701431&page=1

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1955310
03/10/10 01:54 AM
03/10/10 01:54 AM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 57
East Coast
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Amy40 Offline
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Amy40  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 57
East Coast

In time, write a letter that you wouldn't mind the new people in your lives reading.

If you have sincere remorse and true understanding, do not let those two things go unstated.


AmyC



"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall"
1 Cor. 10:12
Re: Will I ever be forgiven??? [Re: Mom of 2 Cherubs] #1955455
03/10/10 09:02 AM
03/10/10 09:02 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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BigJohn Offline
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BigJohn  Offline
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Mom of 2 Cherubs
Hi Big John,

I appreciate your candor. Your sitch is a bit different than mine in that our children do not know about the A. In time i am sure they will know and i will deal with it when they are older. I don't ever expect that they will understand but i just hope they will be better able to see things from both sides and not be so angry at me. I truly fear the day my children know the whole truth.


Mom,

Thank you for accepting my frank feedback and being accountable for your actions. I also want to acknowledge your bravery for posting here to seek what has to be tough feedback for you. I respect you for that.

I'm glad that your kids don't know about the A right now- they have enough to deal with as it is. But your fear regarding the day they do learn the truth is well founded. Expect a lot of anger and resentment from the kids along with wounds that may not completely heal. I speak from experience as my own mother inadvertently got entangled emotionally with OM during a rough patch in her M to my dad while I was a teen. The EA ultimately led to her filing for D shortly before my dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack. So I have experienced this type of betrayal twice so far in my lifetime. I don't share this information looking for pity- I've never disclosed this info before in any of my posts. I do it so that you can understand where I am coming from and put my comments to you in the proper context. And, perhaps give you some things to consider as you are working through your present sitch.

Quote:
Yes this new man knows ALL about my D. He is/was the OM. That fact alone is what I believe will hinder me and XH to ever really being friends again. I am sure your (and others) response to this will be, make a choice between XH and BF - but it is not that simple, not for me anyway.


I don't quite follow you about making a choice between OM and XH. You already made your choice- the choice was the OM. Given the circumstances, I don't think that will hinder any friendship between you and XH- I doubt very much that there can be friendship with your XH when OM is still present. I think mutual civility between you and XH is a more reasonable goal.

Your thread interests me. I hope you find my feedback useful and that I and the others are able to help you in some way. I have a feeling that the insight you share here will be of benefit to I and the other LBS'.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
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