Acceptable contact while GD?

[TBL]

Ok, so she's in a house with a room and likely not paying cable, taxes, water, utilties, etc.

Based on that, I stand behind the email suggestion I gave you. You still are likely paying at least a couple hundred more per month than her and as you said, you didn't move out.

But keep it professional, not accusatory or whiny and leave out the whole you moved out part, she knows she moved out. She is trying to guilt you into giving in.

Your whole thread is be strong, go dark, see if she misses you and comes to you, so stay strong on this monetary issue also.

You couldn't guilt her into staying (I know, trust me) so don't let her guilt you into giving in, it might help in the long run.

[SweetCyborg]

Now her grandmother is dying and her mother (MIL) copied me on the e-mail. I'm very close with her entire family. What do I do? Ugh. I just so want to be there for her, but know from (BPDFamily.com) I need to be NC (same as GD) no contact.

[Kimmie Lee]

That is tricky, but you have a great resource in that website.

This really resonated with me when I read it:

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Borderlines are NOT to be rescued. Save yourself. Please!

[SweetCyborg]

Wow Kimmie, this was invaluable! I've spent countless hours on the site trying to assess what has happened and what to do next. This list was very helpful, I hadn't seen it.

Weekends are the hardest and hard to get up and do the things I need to do, as the week progresses it gets better, but I still feel so lost.

OK, going to take some GAL baby-steps now.

Thanks again!

[Kimmie Lee]

(((SweetCy))) Thank you for helping me as well.

Borderlines make you feel so loved and needed at first that it is very seductive. And then, eventually, when they turn on the "hate," it is a real mind f*ck. And we can't "love" or "understand" them out of it.

Going dark won't help because it doesn't even occur to them to miss us; they just get colder. But, sticking around only fuels the drama that they crave, so we're screwed either way. Again, the "no win, no solution, no way out."

I have to keep reminding myself that I was nothing more than an object to be discarded, and then they are on to their next "soulmate."

I know how much it hurts to realize that in these cases, nothing is "real."

Well, I am real. And so are you.

[Kimmie Lee]

How's it going, Sweetie?

[SweetCyborg]

Not going great. Broke down and sent one long email that was sad and not very strong, and one phone call with tears on both ends that was sweet and sad for both. I guess not horrible considering it's been a month and that's the only 'non-practical' communication. The GD for at least 3+ weeks seemingly had no effect.

Still reeling, anxious, feel a little set-back from the stronger, GAL, and taking care of myself from the first two weeks. Guh.

Back to GD for now. She seems to be moving ahead with finding a lawyer (says her mom, who is friendly to me), and friends say she's a 'wreck'. I feel like we should 'talk' about what's happened, why, what's next, but I guess neither of us are really ready.

I've been focusing on reading about her BPD (borderline personality disorder), and how she's unable to feel the same way non-BPD people feel. My therapist also suggested she was never able to 'attach' they way I did.

I want to send her Michelle's should I get divorced quiz, and the first chapter of DR, but I don't think it would do much good, and I'm not sure it's best for me to be with someone who can't care about me as much as I do them, although I know she cares/cared in her own way (with her being first).

She's not a 'strong' woman with a plan who is happy with her decision and hopeful for the future, she's not dating and not talking to OM from what friends tell me. She was just fed up with the unpredictability of fights and my bringing up the EA/PA from time to time, she still works with OM and refused to quit which made it hard for me to be completely trusting.

I'm waiting for the day to come that I will feel better and say OK, moving on now. Guess I over-identified with the marriage. I mostly don't feel like I have much motivation to take care of myself, but there are a few bursts of cleaning, writing music, working on my book, exercise, and focus at work.

Aren't you glad you asked?