Acceptable contact while GD?

[SweetCyborg]

So...today WAS emailed that she would like to use the treadmill and workout after our meeting with the realtor tomorrow. (this would be the first time she's been in the house for more than a few minutes in two weeks). She also wants to go over the taxes, and then workout at the house on Sunday.

What ground rules should I set (other than the list of GD, not talking about R etc.)?

I plan to go out at the same time she plans to be there, so maybe that's good enough.

We're just talking to a realtor to see how we can unload the house (underwater) either through short sale or foreclosure but not making any firm decisions right now either way.

I want to be friendly, strong, confident, unrattled...

BTW, I set up the meeting with the realtor, part of my GAL plan since it seems I may think about going to NYC with or without WAS.

Thoughts?

[The Wifey]

Cyborg, Keep to one post. Definitely. People can't get to everyone and if you have 2 posts going you will get less response.

Hmmm. Listen, she wants to work out. So sorry. I don't think I'm comfortable with that. Or, I'd rather you didn't.

Yes Going DARK is hard. But Dark is DARK. I seriously doubt she will ask why you haven't called her. If she should, I would say, "pardon me? Act surprised. (I would genuinely be surprised.)

She has an OM, she left, and she should wonder why YOU haven't called HER? NO! Wrong answser.

Trust us veterans on this. I know it seems counterintuitive not to call. You are worried she will think you don't care, etc. Can it. You have to be strong. If you aren't there yet then fake it till you make it.

[SweetCyborg]

OH -- WAIT!.. She HAD OM broke it off (mostly b/c they still work together), they are not currently involved, though I'm sure he'd love to swoop in.

I should update my sitch post, and just stay in one post (even if under different topics guh). Dammit.

One of the reasons, I couldn't 'let it go' was b/c occasionally, OM would still write to her and say "why can't we still be friends" even after they had EA/PA and she told him she was recommitting to her marriage (apparently she didn't, but also I didn't GAL or read DB until this 2nd separation). Our MC suggested she could file harrasment charges, which pissed her off b/c she would constantly HATE being reminded that SHE cheated, that HE was a predator of someone suffering low self-esteem.

This time, I'm doing it all different. They're not involved now, but if they get that way (OM is now divorced) fine, I'm moving forward with my life.

So if she asks to move back in "as friends' (stupid hopeful me ), I should say? I understand I would have to keep the changes going, GAL, not pursue. etc.

She's very 'particular', and I KNOW she misses her house, but there would have to be some HUGE boundaries in place for both of us, maybe not a good idea!

[marriedCrazy]

I say she doesn't move in until she can fully re-commit to the marriage.

[The Wifey]

IF. Don't worry your pretty head about IF Right now. She hasn't asked and there is no sense going there unless she does.

Stay strong. Stand up straight. Look her in the eye and say I'm not comfortable with that. No apologies.

[Kimmie Lee]

I apologize for being so blunt, SC. My intent is not to cause you more pain. And I have admitted many times on this forum that I have little respect for WAWs. I'm talking about the whiny, bored, selfish WAW who is disrespectful, dishonest, deluded, etc. To me, these are emotionally stunted people who refuse to seek help for their problems, real or imagined.

I mean, we all have our problems, but to wallow in childhood "issues" and then use that as an excuse to inflict pain upon a spouse is cruel, manipulative and sick beyond the pale.

Isn't it interesting at how selective they are about who is the recipient of these lovely antics? Would they pull this crap on their boss? A good friend? Or are they ever even directing it toward the persons who caused the "issues" in the first place? And does wallowing and picking through their past really help them? NO! They want the luxury of playing "the abuse card" ad nauseum.

Fine. Stay stuck and whine, you ridiculous WAWs. Enjoy!

And for the record, a WAW is not someone who leaves if there is addiction, physical abuse, or other risky behavior. That is a healthy, legitimate response to an impossible sitch.

Boredom, temptation, becoming middle aged, "wha-a-a-!!, my life didn't turn out the way I wanted" are not legit. That is all on her. And it is so lame!

You deserve better.

One of the BEST posts I've read here.

Wow! Thank you so much for the compliment.

It means a lot coming from an oldtimer (forum-wise) too.

[Kimmie Lee]

Ahem, now, back to you, SC:

Listen to Wifey. Dark means DARK!! I seriously do not know why you are still listening to your flaky, lying wife, much less considering letting her back in the house.

I luv ya, SC, so please, take the following advice in the spirit in which it is meant:

GROW A PAIR!!! And, STOP LETTING HER DICK YOU AROUND!!!

And, I don't care how "mad" she gets, your w will NOT respect you until you do.

[SweetCyborg]

Got it. DARK. Had to talk to a Realtor together and WAW teared up. NO arm patting or reassurance this time. Afterwards, I left and said I'm going to the movies. It was hard to see her, but I smiled joked around w/ the Realtor was strong.

Trouble is, it still feels like my world/life is crumbling. I'll have a few good hours, maybe a good day, and then crushing anxiety, sleepleness, no appetite. I NEVER let WAW see or know this, but what she is doing feels like emotional, physical torture. She knows I'm very sensitive, and has asked how I'm doing a few times and I say "fine". Which is usually not true.

It's just so crazy, because the night before she said "I'm done" she was planning our vacation. A week prior she wrote me a (very rare) note saying how proud of me she was (I had quit smoking and was working out like a fiend to lose this 25 pounds I gained in the last 8 years).

She's very uptight in general, list-maker, rigid about routines, and I"m creative, a musician (but always held a good job and made good money) and more free-spirited. She always saw the negative, and I always tried to inject the positive into her worldview. She had some great qualities, but selflessness and giving were not there. I guess it didn't bother me for the first 10 years, only after we moved here and I felt unappreciated or something. I couldn't get back to 'me'.

Everyone says it would be best for me to move forward, but the thought of losing so much of what we've worked so hard for seems inconceivable. I hope I can go back to sleep and wake up with more hope for the future. I really have to question more and more why I want to be with someone so callous. But, I have to say I really still love and care for her -- crazy right?

[Kimmie Lee]

Yes, it is crazy. And the healing from it is not a linear process. I wish it were.

You WILL feel like crap, and then there will be times when you can hold it together just fine like you did with the realtor. Good job! Never let her see you sweat.

[SweetCyborg]

UGH. Fighting the urge SO hard to call and see how she is... Wanting to tell her I'm having a hard day/weekend.

Panicky anxious, but will not give in, posting here as a stop gap measure. Thanks to whoever sent me the link for dealing w/ BPD family! Spent the day reading about what I've been through I didn't realize how accurate it (mostly) is.

Hoping for better sleep tonight.