It may seem like the bills never end...you need to realize that everything is temporary. You will some day pay these off. Spend your energy trying to figure this out instead of trying to figure out W. You will look back on this time and realize how much you have grown because of it.
Keep your head up.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Update- Met w/ W last night for some darts and wings...spent about 1.5 hours w/ her...there was some reminiscing of the R prior to M...
W made a comment that really struck a cord w/ me:
Since I left, my life really hasn't changed that much- it's just that I don't see you or speak to you...
That didn't hurt me like I thought it would...I wanted to reply to her that that is only b/c we are still M and there have been no real consequences yet.
I said nothing- and later it dawned on me what W wasn't considering: she drinks every night, goes out to clubs, believes she's single, entered into other R's, etc, etc.
Her life has changed a lot...
Anyway- when the conversation turned to R talk we decided to call it a night.
W asked "how can I want to go back to something where I felt so alone- hoping it can be different?"
I simply stated- look at your part in things and see what could have been changed...there are obv no promises or expectations...
Anyway- I'm a little sad; even though I feel like W is feeding me script to keep me in the shadows, I know that I'm not willing to wait things out anymore- I use the word "wait" even though that's not really what I'm doing...
There's a lot more than me involved in the sitch and things are going to be set in motion...
I am upset (frustrated) that W believes this can be prolonged further...sadly it cannot be...
I'm ready to start a new journey w/o ghosts from my past...
Met w/ W last night for some darts and wings...spent about 1.5 hours w/ her...
just wondering but if you are dark why are you spending time with her?
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Her life has changed a lot...
okay so her life has changed. What about YOURS. How has your life changed. What does Jasper see when he looks in the mirror? How much work has Jasper done on Jasper? I'm interested to see your answer.
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Anyway- when the conversation turned to R talk we decided to call it a night.
Thats a good thing...R convo never really come out right unless we the LBS are really ready.
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look at your part in things and see what could have been changed
What did you hope to accomplish with this statement? Did you think she would say "yeah I f*cked up - your right I am sorry. Come on dude you know better than that. You need to realize that nothing you say to her will change anything. YOUR actions my friend are the only that will speak to her and that is if she is ready to see them and only if she is coming out of her criis. THis statement tells me that you still feel like somethign you say will mke her "wake up". IMO - it will not happen.
Jasper - ask your self this question...what does Jasper really want. What can Jasper really accept? Who is Jasper? WHo is the Jasper that wakes up in th morning and brushes his teeth, shave, etc. What does this guy really what? What can this guy control? Dude you only control yourself. You only control how you deal with this. You my friend are in charge.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I was reading your advice to OIN and saw that you said that you took wife back too easily. Could you elaborate? In my stitch husband and OW got into a huge fight and that is how things ended. Now husband and I have been trying to reconcile but I often wonder if I should have not taken him back at his first try. We are still separated and I plan to remain that way until husband continues to get the proper treatment by seeing a family therapist and dealing with his issues and our relationship issues but why do you feel you took your wife back too quickly?
What did you do when she first said she wanted to work on the marriage? I am trying to learn from others that have attempted or are reconciling.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
W asked "how can I want to go back to something where I felt so alone- hoping it can be different?"
Everytime you open your mouth you confirm to her that you are the same peroson she left and the sitch has not changed. You know why?
Because you haven't. You have been so focused on how much W is f@cking up you haven't worked on you. You keep listening to the noise she (and you) fill your head with.
Let her go on her journey and you go on yours. You won't care what she's up to. You'll be busy working on YOU.
Did your interaction with W make you feel good?
Did it make her feel good?
You're trying to live your old M and you will live your old M with her or anybody else until you understand the only part of the equation you can fix is YOU.
Jasper you are stuck.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit said it a little more directly than i would but I agree...
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you are stuck.
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you haven't worked on you.
Think about his quotes...really think about them. Don't beat the sh*t out of yourself...but reflect.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Took several weeks to myself, enjoyed time w/ the family.
Spoke w/ L- recommended that we seek mediation. W is back and forth about it...looking for everything she's entitled to- fortunately not much.
It's a lose - lose like all D's...pretty much waiting for her to file and do mediation at the court's request, as W is not looking to do so voluntarily.
Feeling very good and VERY detached...w/ is VERY angry, I can't fully understand nor do I wish to...it's not about her.
OK, been a while and I feel badly not looking in on other sitches.
PLEASE- I NEED HELP. I filed last week, and things are moving forward...I NEVER wanted the D.
Very much believe that W is BPD. We have had NC for several weeks...she texted me asking to come by for some of her things.
I asked that she send me an e-mail list stating everything she needed. She refused.
I asked that she bring a few things I knew she had.
She showed up at 7am, bringing nothing I asked for.
I helped her pack...we R talked...W was angry that I never sent her flowers over the last 10 months...last time I did, I caught her at OM'1's house the same night.
I asked her what she wants me to do...she said "I don't know."
We met tonight- she's still very angry...I gave her as much closure as I could...she could say nothing. And I mean nothing.
I told her I would go forward w/ D.
IS IT ACCEPTABLE for me to message her mom and some friends, including her brother- that I love W very much and although trying to avoid D at all costs, I have no choice but to file?
They all know where I stand, but is it an OK thing to do...or is it completely inappropriate?
