[CityGirl]

I can relate to everything you are saying. I am also living the same. It is terribly, terribly difficult.

I am close to 36 months in and not even close to a divorce. Yes, I am legally separated but it's not *divorced*. I also have "one of those" who has done whatever he can to delay a dissolution despite *he* being the one who demanded the dissolution.

*He* e-mailed me this week letting me know the following:

There is a huge aspect of his life missing and that aspect is me. The idea of me and all the time we shared (13 years but who is counting) runs like a movie through his head. *He* said he made a huge mistake leaving the marriage the way he did and he should have NOT done that and he regrets it. *He* said it was not fair to me (ya think?) and he now realizes he should have taken a few years alone before getting in a new R (ya think?). *He* also said he hired a dirt bag of an attny and he regrets it.

He wants to know if we can be friends (the umpteenth time he has asked in 36 months). And *he* wants to know what I have planned legally and if I could "please let him know so he can protect his "interests".

And *he* has gone so far out of his way to avoid the final dissolution *he* has now taken a job (for less money I might add) that will keep him traveling 90% of his work week. And *he* has pleaded for relief from the court to delay the dissolution come this Nov. due to his demanding work schedule.

I can relate to every single word you say.

For *he* declared I was not good enough, too sick, not a woman and the entire source of not only his misery but all the misery the world experiences. *He* declared he "can't be married anymore!" yet he is the one demanding we stay married. *He* is the one who stood in a parking lot spitting in my face like a rabid dog declaring "I'm done, NOTHING will ever change my mind" is now quite irate that "done" is way too final for him. And *he* is shared with me it's his great hope I am not done.

Since he lives with his hot little mistress and he is madly in love and happier than he has ever been it's curious so much is missing from his life. No? It is curious the thing that scares him most, a divorce, is the exact *thing* he demanded to a point of emotional and legal abuse.

And your W is my H without the penis. They are quite simply very confused individuals. They are incapable of dealing with their own sh*t so they continue to riddle our lives with crap. And it's a terrible, terrible shame the very court system that was designed to provide fair and just solutions, resolutions and dissolutions continues to allow a cheating WAS to dictate so much.

So I told *him* flat out... sure, we can be friends! Why don't you bring your mistress over, we can have a few cocktails and share a meal and you can let us know when "friend time" will happen and when "mistress time" will happen. That way there will be no more confusion, drama or hurt feelings and all THREE of us can be on the same page. He was not keen to that suggestion. Most probably because he is not "allowed" to be talking to me.

And there is some part of me that insists we have compassion for *him* and *her* because they are very, very unhappy and mixed up people.

I have no solutions or answers. Do what you can for you. Do what you can for your children. Do what you can to work within this legal system that seems to celebrate the abusive behavior of the WAS. There is no reason that 18 or 36 months later we should still be embroiled in a divorce case from the legal side. But somehow we both are. It's hell. Anybody who tries to tell you otherwise hasn't even come close a "difficult" legal divorce. It takes a toll in ways we cannot articulate.

I can relate. Many of us can.

[antlers]

These people are so utterly selfish and self-centered...they are trying to make themselves feel better about the wrongs they have done by getting y'all to actually be OK with what they've done! No matter the emotional pain and turmoil it continues to put you through...that hasn't even crossed their mind...because it's all about them! To this day, after all that has transpired, it's still all about them!

[ClingingToHope]

But this settling-for-less thing ... that I should be glad she's willing to carve out this much space in her life for me, that I'm somehow worth that much but no more.

...

Why would I want to hear anything about her life without me? Why would she want to hear about mine? "Congratulations on all the great things that are happening to you."

These are my feelings exactly. I was, in poker terms, all in with STBXW and she didn't want that. I get it now. I lost all my chips and I'm going to get up from the table and head out. I'm certainly not going to sit around and cheer her on.

If we didn't have daughters I'd never talk to her again. I have enough friends. She was supposed to be the friend that was always at my back.

[SmileysPerson]

@CityGirl, @Clinging -- at least we know we're not unique!

It's weird, though -- in the last 24 hours I've been overtaken by this almost preternatural calm.

STBX and I'd had this discussion a few weeks ago in which I crossed what was apparently a bright line and mentioned the current Signore. STBX wigged-out, told me "I cannot possibly convey to you how truly and deeply I hate you," and declared that Signore is "OFF LIMITS" [sic].

It came to me in my few hours of sleep last night, like a lightning bolt hurled directly into the old cerebral cortex by Zeus himself: she is (or believes herself to be) absolutely, 100%, head-over-heels in love with this Old World character! And the boundary I'd crossed was one inside her head she doesn't want to confront -- the idea that maybe Signore Schmuckatelli the nth might, in spite of the fact that he speaks with an o-so-sexy furrin accent, also just be a regular, G.I.-issue Dumb-A** Man.

Which would be really, really bad from a Walkaway POV. Because it would mean the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

And I felt such utter calm at that notion.

She had to have some kind of surgical procedure recently, and she'd been Johnny Appleseed with the hints about it, so finally I got bored with the hints and just said, "Look, I know it's not my business anymore, but what's up with this? Do you need help with the kids or what? I'm sure someone's on the job, but in case."

And she went through this long explanation of how she appreciated my concern, and I'm right it's not my business -- okay, so far so good -- and then, "It's nobody's business; nobody knows; nobody cares; and there's no way I'm going to burden anyone with my problems."

So okay, whatever. That's an avocado pit, not an apple seed. So Signore Schmuckatelli n has not expressed sufficient concern / worry / whatever -- so what?

And last night it struck me -- ye gods, she SO wants Signore to make it his business! She SO wants him to know! She SO wants him to care! And he's not!

Which would suggest that the only reason she won't "burden" him with her problem is that she's re-enacting the pattern she followed with me in the M -- she expects him to "get it." He's supposed to feel her so deeply that he "just knows." After all, as she said to me on D-Day about my own shortcomings, if you "really care" for someone, wouldn't you "just know"?

And then so much else fell into place.

Like why she was such easy pickings for Signore Schmuckatelli I, and why the collapse of that...thing...so hurt her that she came to me for comforting.

I recalled that she'd told me she "knew" he was "different" and had a real "connection" with her because at their first dinner he'd asked what was wrong out of the clear blue, and when she told him "nothing," he said, "But you have sad eyes," and he didn't want to see her cry.

O swoon! And she could sense he was so-much better than me, so much more attuned, so into her, because he "just knew," he could "just sense her truth" (though apparently what she didn't know was that he was just quoting a cheezy 1970s song which, when you think about it, is a pretty good strategy for the kind of sexual predator who preys on married women).

And that, of course, would seem to explain why she was so heartbroken when Schmuck I didn't pick-up on all the hints she dropped about meeting up with him later and so, from her POV, dissed her and blew her off. Gasp! He really didn't "just know"! She was wrong again!

And here she goes 'round the mulberry bush for the umpteenth time. That whole Tammy Wynette outburst -- OFF LIMITS --would suggest to me she still has some kind of desire or want or need -- desperately -- for this, the latest in an ever-growing line of Signores, to be "different" -- he has to "just know"! And yet, it appears he doesn't.

Bummer.

But bummerer still -- what could be worse, what could better guarantee the Pompeii-like eruption (bam! I hate you!) of fear and anger and (self?) loathing, than Smiley's Person Hisownself -- that Model of DAMdom, that oblivious, not getting it, not "hearing" her, sad-eyes-not-noticing, useless no-account STBXH of hers -- him somehow getting it when Milord Haw-Haw the Viscount Schmuckatelli Smythe Hamstercage the Thurd didn't?

There he was, Smiley's Person, once-and-future Spy in the House of Love, knowing that she wanted someone to ask after her, ask how she was, was she scared, what did she need, Doing The Job -- while Prince Charming was out riding to hounds I say, what-ho, pip-pip, and all that.

O cruel fate!

I think she just can't deal with it, the reality. Sure, we're pretty cool, and we demonstrate great taste when we pick out the neon beer signs we intend to hang in the living room, and we know all the lyrics to the best classic rock albums and we're really good at belching and farting and stuff, but at the end of the day we men-folk are kind of stupid. We're dog-like in that way. So keep it simple, ladies -- yes, no, sit, fetch. Subject-verb-carburetor. We get that.

But STBX? She's still languishing in the Eat, Pray, Love Fantasy World, where chivalric balladeers notice her sad eyes and carry her off on their magickal unicorns to castles atop Rainbow Mountain in the Land of Bliss, and where the Cool Together Gals of the Oughties dump their useless no-accounts in favor of sexy foreign men with accents (just like Elizabeth Gilbert herself did).

And discover, shock among shocks, that foreign men are just different breeds of dog. Every bit as dumb and, often, a lot harder to care for.

Hot. Diggity. Dam.

It wasn't me. It was her. Seems she just can't live here on Planet Earth with the rest of us.

And for some reason that makes me feel very, very calm. Good old Dinah Washington; what a difference a day makes.

[TimeHeals]

But STBX? She's still languishing in the Eat, Pray, Love Fantasy World,

The follow up book to "Eat, Pray, Love" is "Committed".

Maybe she should read that one

[soleil]

Had a court date scheduled on Monday -- some lawyer thing materialized, and it had to be rescheduled. Another month. All I can do is wait -- and STBX doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry. Which isn't surprising, since her strategy is to out-spend me

She filed ... Yet she won't make a single settlement offer -- all she'll do is demand them from me and reject them outright.

Oh, SP. I feel the frustration in your posts and want you to know that you are not alone. My H, too, filed for the motion to go to court and I got there and thought I was going to die and wouldn't you know it got postponed...for TWO more months. Ugh. Just D me, it's what you want, you know? And he's the same re: negotiating anything w/ me. Refuses anything I say by way of my L and demands over and over again that I sign what he wants.

I have NO idea what's up with these people. But just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

It really is the million dollar question -- why do they delay the D process, when THEY are the ones who filed and so wanted out? Anyone have an answer to that??? I will never forget the broken look on my H's face the day I saw him in court. And I was thinking, WHY? You should be doing cartwheels.

[Gypsy]

Hey SP..

How about calling her Schmuckatella?

*hugs*

[DanceQueen]

SP...I have to share a bit with you...I know you have heard this before but...you need to realize that your wife is mentally ill (and probably always has been).

My father was also mentally ill, and my brother and I, along with many other family members, never really "got it" for such a long time. His behaviors were so confusing. We spent hours/days talking amongst ourselves, trying to figure out what to do or how to handle this latest issue.

My mom was the only one who really "got it" (even though it took her 12 years, and she married him and divorced him TWICE)...but once she "got it", then she stopped trying to "figure it out". There simply IS NO FIGURING IT OUT. You cannot and will not "figure it out". All the wondering you are doing on how she could do this after she said that, and all the many variations on this, will never get you any closer to figuring it out. You will never have closure on how or why she could do any of it. You cannot have closure with a mentally ill person.

I was lucky that I did finally understand what it takes to deal with a mentally ill person by the time I was about 30. At that point, I was no longer hurt or disappointed by my father, even though he would do things that should hurt and disappoint any daughter. But I "get it" now. I cannot compare him or his actions to a person who is not mentally ill. To try to make such a comparison will make you crazy!

So eventually...you accept that there is no answer to the questions you are asking..."why would she say one thing one day and the opposite thing the next day"...."why would she screw me over and then claim to want to be my friend"....there are NO ANSWERS to these questions.

The only answer, to all of them, is this: "She is mentally ill".

That doesn't mean she shouldn't be accountable or get a free pass or whatever. But what it does mean is that you will have to set up emotional boundaries within YOURSELF, where you don't let her or her actions or choices INTO YOUR MIND.

[Thinker]

...you need to realize that your wife is mentally ill (and probably always has been).

Welcome to the club SP!