Ya know, the former Mr. Gypsy scooted out to be with a woman 17 years younger, made her the top priority, drained all our savings for a standard divorce, penciled the kids into his schedule for an hour every few months, married her and is expecting a baby who will be born shortly before his 57th birthday.
It just sounds crazy... like... really?
But this perception took time.. lots of time. With the finalization of the divorce in sight life became surreal. Only AFTER divorce could the healing even start to begin. At least for me.
The woman who was your wife left long ago. A long long time ago. And so what if the guy is loaded? He still has to poop on a toilet and will most likely be replaced in due time.
Divorce begins in the mind. And as I was always reassured, I got the good stuff.. a healthy secure relationship with my kids (well.. two out of three!)
And you, Mr. Positivist of Men, are the dad, who shows his love for his children in countless ways. It's about you... not her... or at least that will come in time.
Masochistically, once the kids filled in the blanks on his name, I naturally had to consult The Great Gazoogle -- yep, that's about right. CEO here, CFO there, senior venture capitalist over there, about a zillion boards of directors, good public works (national trusts for this and that).
And he's over 6-foot tall. (STBX always said she wanted a tall man, unlike SP himself, so she would feel daintier by comparison.)
The bastard of it is that I have every reason to believe he's a perfectly splendid fellow.
But I'm so mental right now that I'm trying to concoct any possible way of becoming a millionaire venture capitalist myself, just to show her. Hah!
(Of course, not being able to count beyond the number of digits on my hands and feet will surely be a complicating factor in that plan....)
She was always into money, was STBX, and my presumptive lack of "ambition" -- which was really a back-handed way of criticizing my career choice -- was among the leading causes (blames) for the D.
Oh -- he's published a book, too. So it's not what I do, per se, that was so terrible -- it's having done it without being independently wealthy that was among the great character flaws.
I'm really, really afraid that as they age, Themselves are going to compare my relative (lack of) wealth endowment, and the way they live with me, to STBX and whomever she happens to be with at the time -- and I will always come up short.
So this is like the gift that will just keep on giving (a la Gypsy's former spouse and his rather distasteful breeding choice of late).
I had a long talk with Miss Someone about this. Was STBX always that superficial? Did she really love me so...thinly? And did I love her so much that I just overlooked it? Or is this some artifact of MLC and etc.?
Miss Someone once blurted out, "God, she was totally the wrong woman for you!" At the time, I thought it was just a sympathy vote -- but what if that's right? Did I squander what little I have to offer on someone who, in a sense, really didn't deserve it? Criminy, that's a depressing proposition.
I know, I know, it doesn't matter, all perception, script, yada-yada, etc., etc.
But come on -- tell me you haven't thought the same things from time-to-time, unproductive though it may be.
On the other hand, he has far less hair than SP Himself. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.
I'm really, really afraid that as they age, Themselves are going to compare my relative (lack of) wealth endowment, and the way they live with me, to STBX and whomever she happens to be with at the time -- and I will always come up short.
I've had a similar fear; probably, many of us have. xH's current soulmate grew up wealthy, remains wealthy; gets along swimmingly with xH's millionaire brothers and their families. They just returned last evening from a 2-week jaunt along the East Coast, visiting the soulmates friends and family (and I anticipate likely got engaged while out there). What do I have to offer D14, I've wondered--not even working right now, can't afford to call a plumber so D14 has enough hot water to shower here at home, 2 years' worth of financial crisis....but where would she rather be? yes--here with me. she feels like "a black sheep" when she's with her wealthy cousins, enjoys the stories of world travel from soulmate and her family but doesn't feel connected to them. She is well aware that xH treats her like a toy to be enjoyed until he's had enough, then sending her back to me; life would be complete if he just didn't have to communicate with me at all or provide that whopping 5% of his income in child support; he's happy, I struggle constantly. but this is her home, this is where she's a priority, and she knows that.
so will Themselves.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Themselves are going to compare my relative (lack of) wealth endowment, and the way they live with me, to STBX and whomever she happens to be with at the time -- and I will always come up short.
You don't really believe that do you? Who do Themselves do things with? Think of all the ways you connect and create memories with them. Money is just a tool doesn't make you happy. The only person you are competing with is yourself. Don't swallow that Kool-Aid.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ouch! I know the feeling. I live in a town full of big deal stock brokers with fancy cars and houses and vacations. I make good money, but they make that x10. This is without question the directly the stbx Mrs. T's eyes have wandered.
...and it hurts
...and it takes a direct shot at your self worth, but...
Think in a different paradigm:
Her unhappiness in the marriage was not about you. It was about her. She is unhappy. Nothing you did, or could have done, could change that.
To avoid looking at her own internal reasons for her unhappiness, she split you black and demonized you. It wasn't because of how tall you are or how many books you did or didn't write or because of how much you did or didn't earn. It's because she blames her internal unhappiness on the person closest to her and then looks for reasons to justify it.
She's not going to change. She'll still be an unhappy person. She's still going to blame the person she's with for her own internal issues.
He may well be a "Splendid Fellow", but you can replace that with "Poor Sucker!". Sooner or later, she will demonize him just like she's demonized you.
When she does split him black, he'll get the same treatment you have. The same blame. The same irrational rages. The same denigration and belittlement. The same affairs.
Let go, stop blaming yourself. I've been on this forum with you now for close to 2 years, and have far more respect for you as a person than any google-title rich bigshot.
Take care of yourself and Themselves.
-Thinker
Last edited by Thinker; 09/13/1002:39 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
F*^K - you guys just about did my head in. I have been away from the boards for a couple of months and it has taken me an hour to wade through all that perspective, suggestive, forget it stuff.
I had an affair. I also had a husband that loved me to the core and whom i equally adored. Figure that out !
SP bring this marriage to an end. They say you don't have a good settlement until both parties feel ripped off. VERY TRUE. My settlement involved companies and buildings. After $100 000 in legal bills I threw my hands up, signed the papers, banked the cheque and took the kids to Thailand ( where you see that life can be lived in a tin shed with no running water and 1 satelite dish ) ( I also discovered that true love can come in the shape of disgusting old men and 12 year old beautiful Thai girls )
Who cares if STBX has new man. He will not replace you. You analyze and worry over crap. You don't know him.
In my country I remain married until someone pays the $100 and picks up the papers. As that has not happened with us we still are technically married. So when I am filling out forms , it depends on my mood as to whether i am MRS, Ms , Miss or just plain happy. What I am not, is emotionally tied to him anymore and that happened as soon as we settled. Load off shoulders etc etc.
Simplify simplify. Your intelligent people. Revisit your financial wants. How important is it all ! Have you examined all options available to you. Surely your talents are needed in whatever city you live in.
Sorry for ramble but I was buying time to regain my will to live !
If only. But it's not up to me. Had a court date scheduled on Monday -- some lawyer thing materialized, and it had to be rescheduled. Another month. All I can do is wait -- and STBX doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry. Which isn't surprising, since her strategy is to out-spend me.
The worst part is that STBX continues to need -- maybe even crave -- my attention in some pathological way. I let the kids rummage through the old pictures the other day to pick out the ones they liked; next day I have an e-mail from the new Mouthpiece -- STBX called her lawyer at 5 a.m., whining that I was "obviously" trashing the place and throwing all of the community property away. So what's up with that? asks the Mouthpiece. And of course I have to call and explain, and she has to write and explain, and that little bit of business sets me back nearly $400.
She won't stop e-mailing or texting. What's my problem? Why don't I want to associate with her? She's so happy now and has a new love in her life, and why don't I just get on board with the program? Yeeeeeahhhh, okay then, 'buh-bye.
So I really don't need that kind of thing coming to my personal phone, and I get a pay-go phone dedicated to the purpose of making and receiving any and all emergency messages involving the kids. She runs whining to the lawyer again: He'll never let me talk to my children ever again now! And there goes another $400. Then, as if to make the point, she refuses to use it even after her lawyer tells her to stop making so much trouble for everyone.
But to demonstrate her commitment to being a pain in the a**, she multi-texts my personal number until finally there's no alternative but to b*tch-slap her telephonically. Mercifully, she's been silent since, but only after I pointed out to her -- quoting her most recent e-mail (which she hates to have me do) -- that because she so "truly and deeply hates" me, it would probably be best for the kids that she minimize her exposure to the object of her true and deep hatred. So please use the emergency number when and if there's an emergency, and if we're both lucky there'll never be an emergency, and the phone will never be used, and I'll never have to hear a word from her again, and that'll be Just O-kizay with me.
What is so hard about this for her to understand? She asked me once -- though I never answered -- did I ever foresee a time when the two of us would just get along like chums?
Welllllllll. "Ever" is a pretty long time.
But if I had to guess, I'd guess, "no."
I mean -- honestly! Why would I want that? You fantasized about, planned, and carried out an affair. Then you lied, lied, and lied some more. Then you declared you were writing me out of your life.
Okay. Fine. But for f*ck's sake, live with the consequences of your decisions -- don't expect me to ameliorate them and somehow exonerate you from whatever passes for any kind of self-reflection in your twisted world by "still being friends."
Because friends don't do that sh*t to each other.
I tell you, I don't get it. How is it my responsibility to fix the outcome of what she did to her satisfaction?
And why won't she just close the friggin' deal? Wouldn't you want to? New life, new love, yada yada yada -- surely I can't be so fantabulous that it's worth all this effort just to keep me connected.
You said you were done -- be done!
(Which is a whole other thang -- why, having had 100% of someone in your life, would anyone be willing to settle for whatever tangential little scrap-heap role s/he was willing to assign you after a D? I mean, what's that supposed to be -- some kind of consolation prize? Well, you can't be married to me or love me or have me love you anymore, but at least you can be available for me to pester whenever I've got nothing else to do.... Yeah, yeah, yeah, "good for the kids." Ain't buying it. Me looking like a milquetoast isn't good for the kids.)
She cheated and lied, and destroyed a family. That's the fact Jack! She wants you to make her feel better about what she's done! How out of touch with reality can a person be?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
>>>"Had a court date scheduled on Monday -- some lawyer thing materialized, and it had to be rescheduled. Another month. All I can do is wait -- and STBX doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry. Which isn't surprising, since her strategy is to out-spend me."
Just catching up & sooo identifying!
You're doing an excellent job of side-stepping (1.To put or press the foot down.) No "milquetoast" for you!!
Will see if I can catch you sometime today for a de-briefing.
For me it's more than that, @antlers. Though it's a weird word choice, it strikes me as being disrespectful.
I'm not going to take issue with her decision-making during the A and with respect to initiating the D. Okay, fine -- what's more basic a DB mantra than "accept you're not in control"? So she cheated and lied and decided life with me was so intolerable that she had to destroy the family in order to save herself. Whatever. I have no influence over that.
But -- and I know I sound like a broken record here -- what really stymies me is how sincerely she seems to ask these "why can't we be friends" questions. Honestly, I don't think she's doing it to be provocative. I think she means it (or at least thinks she does).
But that is so utterly disrespectful, so lacking in any sense that she recognizes there's an actual human being on the other side, as opposed to some Hollow Man she's created in her mind to rationalize what she's done.
It's not that I don't "get" the idea in an abstract sense that it would be nice to be pally-wally afterwards, not to have to give up all connection after 20+ years. But come on -- give me a break! That's what it is, divorcing. It's a Giving-Up of connection -- it doesn't happen by accident.
But this settling-for-less thing; this idea that I would -- no, should -- be "okay" with tangentially interacting with her, that I should be glad she's willing to carve out this much space in her life for me, that I'm somehow worth that much but no more...it's almost as if she believes that it would be some kind of...I don't know...gift.
What would we talk about? The weather? The Cubs? The kids? It was "only" talking about the kids that was one of the problems in the first place. And there's really not much else to talk about -- not to hear STBX's story. After all, "we never had anything in common." That's script, sure, but we certainly don't have anything in common now -- even I can see that.
Why would I want to hear anything about her life without me? Why would she want to hear about mine? "Congratulations on all the great things that are happening to you."
Couldn't I just have my lawyer write up a blanket congratulations and file it with the court at the time of the D and be done with it?
Your honor, if it please the Court, my client would like to enter into the record a Declaration of Congratulations and Hearty Good-Fellowship to XW for all the things she may accomplish, achieve, acquire, attain, complete, earn, experience, facilitate, finish, gain, get, manage, negotiate, obtain, perfect, perform, procure, produce, reach, realize, settle, solve, undertake and/or otherwise win between today and the moment my client shuffles off this mortal coil; all rights reserved, res ipsa loquitor, keep out of reach of children, quod et demonstrandum, your results may vary, e pluribus unum, shake well before opening, from sea to shining sea, aaaaaay-men.
From my point-of-view, if I told someone I was "done" with her; that everything she did to try to revitalize the R was "too little, too late;" that I no longer found her attractive or desirable -- indeed, that the very idea of physical contact with her "made me sick" -- because of who she'd become; that I didn't have any respect for her or consider her to be a complete woman -- well, I mean, I wouldn't then expect her to rush for the opportunity of staying engaged in my life in whatever trivial way I decided I wanted.
And in that scenario, why would I want that, anyway?
And riddle me this: What if I (or you or you or you) bought off on this idea and swallowed my pride and took the emotional hit and became the Model Post-D-Relationship Guy -- and she decided she didn't like it after all? Didn't need it after all? Cue Emily Litella, right?
Aagh. Sorry for all this whining. My posts are supposed to be entertaining, and here I am just venting my spleen.
It's this constant delay, this long drawn-out seemingly endless process. What I wouldn't give for a day back in the war; like Forrest said, the good thing about Vietnam is there was always someplace to go, and there was always something to do (YouTube @1:47).
It's really wearing me down. I'm so tired of having to be "separated." I'm so tired of waiting for it to end.
You'd think she would be, too. She filed 18 months ago. She moved out 16 months ago. Yet she won't make a single settlement offer -- all she'll do is demand them from me and reject them outright.
Why doesn't she want to get divorced???
I'm dying inside, my friends; I can't breathe. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm losing my spirit.
I'm losing myself. I fear I've gone up-river only to discover that Mistah Smiley's Person -- he dead.
Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow
