feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

before the moderators kill my long thread I'm posting a new one - here's my sitch as condensed as possible..

I was engaged to H the first time he cheated on me. I did not know at the time he cheated - I found that AFTER we married after threatening that I had to know to move on. He said it was only after we broke up (I don't believe it) same signs and signals that I'm experiencing today happened back in 1989. I let him go and he came begging and crying back 28 days later.

He seemed genuinely remorseful and I loved him and we got married. Here we are again in 1994 (pregnant with my youngest son) and he was "talking" to this girl at the office. I never really found any proof of that - I think they were just friends but H doesn't seem to know where to draw the professional line.

Here we go again in 1998 I heard a voicemail of his secretary saying she missed him and that he better get this message before his wife got it. I confronted him and he avidly denied anything (of course) but I wasn't gonna take anymore crap. I wrote her to act like a lady and stay away from my H and I wrote her boss - she was fired.

Fast forward to 2009 (see a pattern huh?) here we are with the same behaviors. I know its gotta be some dumb ho at the office but this time it took a while to find proof because of his work blackberry. I have no way to see the records. I find proof of a definate EA but can't prove it's physical - I'm sure it is otherwise he wouldn't be acting like such an a**hole nor would he be giving me a "it's not you it's me speech."

I've tried to hold on but I don't know anymore. I know I could probably forgive but trust?...I JUST DON'T KNOW.

So...here I am dealing with this all over again. It's opened up old wounds from 1989 and I didn't think I could feel that way ever again but I have. It's awful what he's done to me. I don't feel like a victim or anything like that. My H has always done everything for me - really but I guess he just has never respected me.

I don't know what to do. My initial feeling is to divorce him to punish him because of how he's treated me....and our family as a whole. The disrespect and blatant disregard for any of our feelings has cut way too deep.

I've been praying like a madwoman for God to help me because I don't want to hate him. I have been witholding my feelings of fear, hatred and bitterness and I'm about to explode.

I heard someone say today that they were SPENT....me too!

[Bridgestone]

1st to post.. I'll take a glass of red wine please!

You'll know when you've had enough... you are strong, you can handle it.

[CityGirl]

Hi Luv,

I think many of us can relate to your feelings of rage, hurt, anger and the general outrage we have all experienced.

The one thing that sort of stuck out to me is "divorce as punishment". IMO divorce should never be about punishment, especially when the proceedings are initiated by the LBS.

Trust me, if anybody knew some of the thoughts I had about my H during the thick of our situation I would either be in prison or a mental hospital (LOL!). I so understand how hurt you are and sometimes we simply are unable to see clearly when we are destroyed at our core.

So what can we do as LBS's to become "less destroyed"? I am not sure the answer is the same for everybody. Have you considered seeing a IC? Have you considered the seminar I FB'd you about?

Sometimes information (be in emotional information via a IC or legal information via a seminar/attny consult) can empower us to "do something different". Now I can't say what your "something different" will be but it may open up an avenue that you didn't realize existed.

[luvless]

Hey CG,

Yes, I've considered counseling for sure...with the kids too. I looked up the seminar and have done research into that and any other legal info available to me.

I know what you mean about being empowered by doing something different. That is something I'm gonna DO cuz like everyone says what I've been doing isn't working!

[luvless]

I just read some of Cutter's stuff and I think I'm going to adopt some of his principles.

I understand my WAH is leaving me feeling like I have no control over my life right now. Well my goal is to have control over MY life. Whether or not I DECIDE I want to forgive my H for his affair is what I will deal with when I FEEL like it.

I took off my wedding rings because my H no longer respects our marriage and it's just a reminder of that. When I saw his bare hand Wed morning and he gave me some story "I left my ring in the car BS" that was it for me. I need to change my negative attitude towards a positive one. Robx - YOU are always in the back of my mind and G - I feel you kicking my butt everytime I don't do for me!

I guess I'm going towards D because I don't believe in separation and I cannot live in limbo anymore. He doesn't want to make a move so maybe I have to for him - as usual. I'm always the one that has to be the responsible party...always have always will be.

Hang with me guys - I'm working on a better attitude cuz Luv doesn't wanna be Luvless anymore.

[chatterbug]

I carry my ring with me at all times. Just do not wear it. The ring now symbolize something completely different now. A constant reminder to me that complacency is always around the corner if I do not stand against it.

[luvless]

well said cutter...

[rockedworld]

I carry my ring with me at all times. Just do not wear it. The ring now symbolize something completely different now. A constant reminder to me that complacency is always around the corner if I do not stand against it.

Wow... Cutter that is powerful.

((Luv)) hope you do some GALing this weekend... I think it would be good for you to take your eyes of your sitch for a bit and just have some fun.

[luvless]

Hey...I know I sound like I'm in the dumps..I sure feel like I am at times BUT I am still enjoying my days. This weekend I have dinner with two friends and tonight is movie night with the kids - gummy bear galore and popcorn

I've always "had a life" it's just a little more sad now...I'm dealing

Thank you guys for everything.

[Gnosis]

Found your new thread. No 3 things... no comment.