From what you have stated it's obvious that your ex-H has absolutely dropped the ball regarding his relationship with his children. Cancellations to a visitation schedule should be the rarity and it seems it has been commonplace with him. There is no excuse to put your children on the backburner and frequently cancel time that they know should be spent with them. In the courts it will not provide a very strong case for him to argue for more time.
That being said, I don't think I've ever heard of a visitation agreement which granted only 1 hour every other week for visitation to a parent. I don't know how anyone could stay connected to a child with only one hour of time with them every other week. Was this done due to documented abuse or based on his lack of involvement with your older two children? Admittedly, I do not know your entire sitch or your ex-H, but could it be he is starting to recognize his failings in the past and trying to re-engage by requesting more time with Ryan?
I just want to clarify what you're asking about how often Chuck sees Ryan. Ryan is not a child - he is 30 years old. He has fulltime nursing care. Chuck has never had much involvement with any of the (grown up now) kids since he has left. As he does not participate in his care - there is not much for him to do, really, other than to spend some time with him. I think taking him to a park and reading him a book would be better than just driving around in the car but I've let it be for now.
That's ok - I was overtired and over irritated with this ongoing crap.
I do think he is just being a jerk again and would really never go to court because it is not really what he wants (more time) - just that he wants whatever he wants whenever he wants it. If you get what I mean.
No - he does not pay ANY support for Ryan or any of the kids or me. He paid a minimal amount for Ashley until age 18 and now pays app 1/3 of her college tuition but only when badgered. He is a true gem and a half!
No - I think he sees that his children have pulled further away from him than ever and I am basically unavailable to him so this is his way of getting little kid attention. Stomp Stomp of the feet!
Thanks for the clarification - I was not aware of that. Since it sounds like your ex-H does not and has not provided any support for Ryan's care then he doesn't really have much right to request anything, IMO at least.
Only other thought is are you able to determine what Ryan wants? How does he react to his father's visits? Are they a positive thing for him? Would he benefit at all from increased visits?
You must be a very strong woman. My mother cared for my younger brother who became severly disabled in his early twenties due to a massive stroke. I know how difficult it was for her both emotionally and physically.
Barb, I knew that X had only paid what he absolutely had to regarding your daughter, but aI wasn't sure if he paid support for Ryan because of his disabilities. I would just ignore his foot stomping. I know what you mean, they never get over their senceof entitlement do they. My X is just as bad when it comes ot the financial stuff. He and the new Mrs. X (formerly OW, or as she put it "his good Christian friend") are buying a new house, twice as big as the one they are in now, without selling the current house. So it is a 2nd house. But he hasn't paid anything for D19's college or D22's college. He did pay for 2 community college classes for D22, but it was her graduation gift. (They were classes she needed as pre-req's for a graduate program.) So i feel your pain on the selfish X issue!!!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I don't get here much now either. I check on FL just til his D gets through. He's my last peep on the board.
It seems to me - and this is just my opinion - that Chuckie boy giving Ash crap is the problem. She does not deserve that. Is there any way that you could ask your L to write him a letter asking him to cease and desist from accosting her that way? Don't know whether that's the right tact anyway. I know she's an adult now, but this I think has to end with her asking him to leave her out of it. Why would he demand answers from her? She doesn't control what you decide anyway. You decide for Ryan. Maybe she could stop him. I doubt it, but it might be worth a shot. If he were a reasonable human being, he would ask you, but he's damaged that relationship to such a degree that he can't. So he continues his rampage on others and now he's reflecting that anger on your daughter - his daughter. Why do we keep asking sensible questions about what our X's do? They're not sensible. Barb, he never cared about anyone but himself. He's continuing that now. So he continues his past here. I think IMHO that you should leave it alone and talk to your daughter. Ask her if meeting with her dad makes her uncomfortable. Ask her is she might want to take a holiday from that. Ask her if she might want to ask him to leave her out of the Ryan questions. Ask her to tell him to talk to you about it.
So many of us here don't understand the gravity of your situation. We have a light at the end of the tunnel where our X's are concerned. Once our kids reach a certain age, we can walk away from them. For me, I don't have to speak to him. I will at college graduations, weddings, etc - and I'll plant a smile on my face and be cordial, but I don't have to interact with him weekly. Your sit is different. You will always be tied because Ryan is so severely disabled. I cannot imagine having to deal with my X forever. He's a selfish creep who would throw anyone under the bus for his own pleasure including his children.
So my advice - take it or leave it - is to talk to Ash - who is an adult - and ask her how she would like to handle it. She's the key here. You can continue to ignore him - she can't.
I miss you guys! I've been watching the Olympics in Canada!
Hey Barb Glad your getting some input! I wrote you my ever so humble opinion via email lol
great advice from Happy, your right Barb has to deal w/ ex so much more then we would have to and for that Barb I so admire how you handle everything, always have. and Happy, are you on FB?? do I have you as a friend? lol I have people I dont even know, so was wondering , if not look me up Miss you!!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
It is hard to determine what Ryan would want. He doesn't react to much although the nurses always mention how much he lights up when I am around. This does my heart good!
In MY heart - I feel that his visits with his dad are important. I want what is best for Ryan. And I don't want to HURT Chuck. But he has never acted in anyone's best interest but his own. The key here is that I have not made any changes. Sometimes my ex forgets the rules. Acts like its all new to him. He is just so off on his own cloud. THen if he doesn't like it - everyone has to hear it. So annoying and stressful.
Raising Ryan has been so very tough. Harder because he was not born with his disability - acquired it at age 4 during a severe illness. So sad. But I'm determined to give him the best life ever and find ways to cope with it all.
No, I don't think increased visits would help. Ryan does better in his own home with his caregivers. His father does not help. If he did - that might be different.
