2 years later it's still not getting easier

[ClingingToHope]

Wow. WP. I'm just reading up on your sitch. It sounds an awful lot like mine -- except I'm not D'd yet. I too don't see any love in STBXW's eyes and there's no reason for the D other than she doesn't "feel" love for me anymore. The commitment part -- well, those were just words.

[whitneypinch]

Yah, it's seems to be a common theme in today's disposable culture.
Everything and anything can just be tossed away.

[yrsofhurt]

I just wanted to thank you guys for your posts, your honesty, and for putting into words all the feelings I too, have. Divorce creates such a lonely place for the LBS, and children, and there is little understanding from those that have not experienced the "amputation" that we were forced to experience.

[whitneypinch]

Well, happy to help anyway we can.

Ya, there are many books out there by WAS that speak of how great life is etc.
There are really not too many books out that talk of the pain, loneliness and loss of our families.
Maybe it's time for a LBS (husband) to write a book.

[LucasE]

Hi, I've just read your whole story because we share much in common. My ex also has family money and is beautiful and never looked back and is loving her new life and lets me be the great dad and I ask the same questions as you do, over and over. It's been three years now for me and I still ride the same roller coaster and have to see her more often than I would like because of kid events and kid hand offs. I was hoping to get to the end of your story and find a way to deal with my latest discovery, but alas, you, like me, haven't gotten there yet. However, I wanted to add something that may have no bearing on your sitch but as it might, maybe we could work through it together. SO, yesterday, I dropped off the kids stuff at our old house as scheduled but left my phone in a backpack. When I returned unannounced an hour later to get it, she was in the bedroom with a friend of mine. I didn't see him, just his car but, it was enough to satisfy my suspicions and allow a new kind of thinking about how my 3 year story really has been playing out. Her unbelievable ability to reject our perfect family this whole time has been because she has been madly in love with my friend and nothing else mattered. She and he have been hiding it this whole time and probably for some time before that. The waves of emotion are huge but I've become such an expert of my version of DB that I imagine that I will continue to act as I do. Being kind, and fun, and funny and the best father. I can only hope that this latest discovery can help me to see her for who she really is and not as the perfect partner I continue to hold on to, but I doubt it, as I move incredibly slow in this respect.
My reason for dumping this on you is because I believe that there must be a reason that your ex is able to move on without looking back. Her heart was probably already taken care of before you found out. She is probably the person that you fell in love with but during the early years with the kids she allowed herself to fall in love elsewhere. I realize that this is a harsh accusation and I don't know you or her and I may have crossed the line, but the questions that we share are the same.
What would you do? So far, I have done nothing. Her response to my first ever unannounced visit was to bring the kids over unannounced three hours later and act only a bit oddly as if she was trying to make sure that I had seen nothing and make sure she still had control. But something inside is finally dying, I hope. I refer to your several exclamations of being over it. I, like you, don't expect her to wake up any time soon especially because she has been having a blast these last years. The man of her dreams and an ex who overcompensates with the kids giving her more freedom than she ever imagined.
A side note here, when she and the kids showed up it was moments after a beautiful lady had just left and I almost had to deal with explaining it to the kids and reveling in the reaction of my ex, who most likely would have been relieved. I hate dating. I am not ready, but I do it as a GAL. It goes, great date, bad date, mostly because I bring up my ex to try create a safe distance between anyone trying to get close. Avoid it at all costs.

Anyhoo, thanks for sharing your story and I hope you will continue to write as things get better with time. If you can get there, than maybe I can follow your path.

There was one story I found in here about a guy named Persistence or something that waited 5 years and finally turned it around. I've fixated on his story throughout my 3 years. My family and friends and therapist think I'm nuts, and his story is about all I have to hold on to now. I don't know if it's real, or placed there by some nerd who thought it would be funny to waste my life waiting but I'm sure I would do this anyway.

Hang in there, enjoy the good stuff, and thanks again.

[whitneypinch]

Hi Lucas,

Ohhhhh, thanks for writing.
When my ex gave me the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech, there were a couple of guys that she for sure had an emotional affair with and most probably had a physical affair with.

My ex has never turned back but occasionally suggests doing stuff all together. The next time she suggests that, I am just going to ask her why?

Ya, I think if I had the harsh reality that you faced it would probably help me a bit. Yes, I am still deeply woven in all of it still.

I hate to say this but this seems to be an all too common story when beautiful women are involved. They constantly have men after them. It seems like they always keep an eye open for a better opportunity.
I am very close friends with a fairly well known actress. She always complains to me that she wants to settle down and have a family yet always has a couple of guys on the go.

Here is a typical week for me....Saturday night my ex drops off our kids. She brings me some cake she baked and walks right into my house. Even hangs around for a few minutes as I can tell she wants to.
This morning I had to drop something off at her house and she is cold and distant and could care less that I am there.

I wish there was something I could say to you as well to make all of this easier to deal with but I can't.

Please feel to write anytime as it seems like we share so much.

[LucasE]

Thanks, I was sure in a state that day. I've calmed down a bit since. One day at a time, I suppose. Sometimes when I freak out, I try to remember that nothing has changed for her. I can go through all of the peaks and valleys and she is still disconnected. Sometimes that helps.


My therapist, (thanks, ex, never thought I need one of those) asked me yesterday what I was waiting for. I didn't say frontal lobotomy, or serious car accident, or life threatening illness but I was thinking all of those things. Surely there has to be something that would bring her back. Guess I better keep going to therapy, right?

Good days to you and I'll check in later. Oh, I know an actress as well. She's married and I swear she comes on to me. I hate that. What a world.

Thanks again,

[whitneypinch]

Ha,

Ya, we all have up and down days. One day I hate her the next I miss her.

My friend the actress was one of my closest friends. When my W left the actress totally hit on me and suggested that we should get married.
6 months later she had become best friends with my ex and no longer talks to me. Oh ya, my ex was an actress at one time too.

I am at the point where I ready to tell my ex that I no longer wish to have the contact we have. My ex has her own life now but yet still wants to know about what the kids are up to when they are with me.

Here is what I am going to write to her the next time she wants to know what's going on with the kids:
"love and miss you and our kids very much. My family is the most important thing in the world. It makes everything I do deeply mingingfull.

We are a family, PERIOD.
Families do whatever needs to be done when there are times of trouble. When there is any problem in a family everything gets placed on the back-burner so the issues can be worked though.
EVERY family has challenges. What keeps them together is commitment and a value system. I believe 100% in my family and would do what needs to be done for my family.

You have made a decision to not work on our family. That is your decision alone.
What I will no longer do is participate in the situation the way it is.

[LauraOh]

^^^ The sentiment is right. But it is too long.

Make it short and to the point.

Find something that can become your "mantra". Something that is true about your sitch.

So when she has a million different responses, you just repeat it to her.

Here is mine: "Mature, rational adults do not abandon thier families for "stupid reasons." "

(because my H loves to say we are getting a D for the "stupidest reasons ever".)

Keep going after her with the truth!!

[whitneypinch]

Hello LO,

Ya, I am just getting fed up.
One minute she is all happy and being nice to me and the next she is cold.
I just feel like telling her "don't give me attitude, you are the one that left" !
But I am just feeling bitter right now. This bitterness passes and then I miss her.
The more she is cold to me that more I don't like her which makes all of this easier.

My 7.5 year old daughter is now learning how to email me. It is so cute and wonderful ! Although I am not a big fan of technology it's so great to be able to talk to my daughter directly whenever I want.

Ya, I agree that my message should just be to the point. I will consider your suggestion.

Hope you are doing ok LO