T, I would suggest that you get the book entitled "Silent Sons" by Robert J. Ackerman. It is a great book that talks about depression and how it has been handed down through the generations, etc. I read this book a number of years ago and thought it was extremely enlightening. It may help you as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lost - interesting observation about the WAS vs MLCer runnning to family. Maybe that is the confusion entering in? My guess is part of the reason my H has said anything to his parents is the fact that he isn't sure what he wants. He is burning bridges left and right, but maybe he isn't ready to burn that one yet.
Wow, MHL, seems like your wife would have a hard time escaping MLC with that family history! I think the best we can do for our kids through all this is be strong and SHOW them that we can be happy even without our spouses to model that (easier said than done some days, I know). And for me, I am validating (where my H's childhood issues lie, I believe) the heck out of my kids to try to keep their self esteems as intact as I can. And I pray for their little hearts. Fortunately, their daddy hasn't totally abandoned them and does show them he loves them, even though it is limited at this point. At least it is waaaay better than it was months ago.
Snodderly - Thanks for the book recommendation. I am happy to see our library has it so I will go pick it up. I am really fascinated about how the human mind works the more into researching and reading about MLC/depression/etc.
Hi TF- Late chiming in. My H's parents have been married 40+ years, but when H met mee 22 years ago he told me he thought they were going to get divorced...never happened and back then I didn't know him so well to ask a lot of questions about his parents' marriage.
Depression-severe depression, does run in his family. H felt unloved as a child and really has isues of verbal abuse from his father growing up. He will most likely never discuss his issues with his father.
During our first separation, H wanted to keep his family in the dark and I went along hoping it was just a temporary thing(before I learned anything about MLC). During this last separation (and divorce proceedings) H did tell his family(who repsonded rather un-supportively), almost to assure that he wouldn't go back on his decision(same reason he hired a lawyer and paid a retainer before he asked me for a divorce and told me he was moving out).
I do think there is some kind of a familial thing going on. H's younger brother had an affair with his college sweetheart several years ago-but has remained married...
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Posting this here - more for Job than anyone else but, it is a success story of sorts, or a work in progress at least.
I happen to know her personally so I will post this here from another board that she posts on for posters to read.
Originally Posted by trustingfaith
I just wanted to comment on the idea of trust FWIW. I am in a unique position on this board, I think. I have a long-time MLCer who I think it's safe to say is out of MLC or definitely at the very end of the tunnel. I didn't trust him AT ALL for years and years. He had done all the damage that an MLCer is prone to do and gave me no reason to trust him.
He has reconnected with the kids and I would say we are reconnecting and rebuilding a relationship as well. Whether it will turn back into a marriage, time will tell. However, I was thinking about the idea of trust last night and realizing that I once again DO trust him. It is being rebuilt because he is showing himself trustworthy in many ways. He once again keeps his word. He can be trusted with finances. I can count on him. If the time comes for me to trust him with my heart again, it might be possible because the trust is being built in the other areas.
I know there are those who will never trust again- very understandable. But in my case, I never thought it would be possible but I realized that is being rebuilt. He was so opposite who he was in every way for many years. But he is so much like the man I knew again, and I did trust him. But yes, it has to be rebuilt.
And yes, I know some (most, all?) are thinking, but you trusted him before and he so completely broke the trust. I have always felt that the MLC him was driven by something that kept him pursuing choices that were so OPPOSITE the choices the man I knew would make, and he would not have made those choices if it weren't for the force that is MLC. SS's description of her experience in the tunnel rings true with what I have experienced with my MLCer.
I remember her! She use to post here many years ago. How are things going for her these days?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
