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Wired #1967008 03/25/10 07:52 PM
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Thanks Mike really appreciate it.

J


ME 44
H 45
D 14
D 20
M 22 YEARS
TOGETHER 28YEARS
Bomb Drop 14th July 09
Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09)
MLC 3years

Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Wired #1969656 03/29/10 04:15 PM
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Hi Wired,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hope you had an ok weekend.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
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Hiya Prairie,
I went to a friends birthday party this weekend, seen a bunch of couples that we have known for 20 years or more. I will admit that it was tough knowing the struggles that everyone of them had been through but still remained together. Had a good time though and laughed harder then I have in months. Just wish my wife would have been with me. I felt like the 3rd wheel.

I think the lonliness at the house is starting to get to me even more, I need to talk to my doctor as it is getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.(Not suicidal thoughts, just lack of hope.)

Wife still has not mentioned a single thing about her plans. I think/feel right now I am just a breathing ATM machine for her until she can get her plans figured out and get through some medical issues she is dealing with. Then I imagine she will drop the bomb. Oh well at least at that time I will have a focus point to work on. But for now Im just trying to be me smile


M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Wired #1969709 03/29/10 05:10 PM
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Wired!!! That's wonderful that you went out to have some fun with your friends. It must be difficult, indeed, seeing other couples together while you're hurting. But don't minimize what a great thing you did for yourself! You reached out to other folks and were able to laugh and enjoy yourself, even though you were still hurting inside - way to go!! I think it's taking those risks - getting through moments like that and realizing that people care about you and you can still have fun times with them - that will help you break through that nasty shell. Keep it up!

Hang in there - I know you're still lonely, and I'm sorry to hear it. Yes, do go talk to your doctor again - they're there to help you when times are tough. Are you still seeing a therapist? Be sure to make regular appointments if you can - I always leave too much time before my next appointment and then when I realize it, they're all booked up. Way to go, Wired. I know it's still tough, but be sure to take a moment and pat yourself on the back for going out this weekend - that must have taken a lot of courage, and you should be proud of yourself!


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
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-Stuck in Time

Ok so its been a little over 3 months now since my wife dropped the bomb on me that she wanted out. Of course I went through all the typical crying, begging, pleading stage and then started the DB book "plan" You can read through my stitch to see some of the ups and downs since.

Now for the last 2-3 weeks.
-Under the care of a doctor he has my on AD(upped dosage on last visit) and some other script for anxiety that has a name that I wont even try to spell.
- 3 visits to my therapist. Who I know is trying her best, but alot of the stuff she seems to be saying seems so "canned" if that makes sense. After my next couple visits I may have to re-evaluate and maybe seek another. (Small town, not much to choose from)
- I still come home to a tomb, I have tried reaching out to my kids but they seem blaise (sp?) to me, like they could care less if I where there or not. When I get home, everyone is upstairs, they come down for a bite to eat and then back upstairs. I have to go to bed around 10 and leave for work around 5am, so its like I never see them.
- Wife tried to get a job but at last doctor appt. she found out she was anemic and needs to have some form of operation, I gave her a hug when she was telling this story(about 2 weeks ago) and this is the last time we have spoken more then 3 words. So needless to say she is not working again which may have put a kink in her leaving plans?

So now it seems like I am stuck in time. Im just wondering is this where I need to step back and see what I am doing is working and change courses? Do I just go ahead and assume she is leaving and put the house on the market to prepare for the papers to be served some day?
Do I just let it ride and see what happens?

Ive been taking over alot more of the house hold responsibilities, have shown no anger in any shape or form towards her or the kids, have let her intiate conversations, I do sleep a bit more as the meds make me tired. And have paid all of her doctor bills that my insurance didnt fully cover without saying a word.
Help me out here please as I can feel the same anxiety/depression starting to creep back in just like it was day one despite the medication.
On the flipside, are my expectations to high and I need to learn a little bit of patience?
Thank You
Mike


M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Wired #1973340 04/02/10 05:01 PM
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Heya Mike,
Sorry to hear you're having a struggle figuring out what step to take next. That must be very frustrating. Hang in there friend; be sure to keep reaching out to the kids. It must be tough to keep trying with them when they don't seem very responsive - I see their in their late teens/young adults... I'm guessing kids that age naturally are that way? (Sorry, dogs no kids around here!). But, on the flip side, what do you have to lose by continuing to try with them?

If I flip the sitch around, and remember when I was growing more and more distant with my H, during the times he'd give up and try even less, the distance got even worse. Yes, I likely ignored him and slighted him when he did try the odd time, but I think somehow, somewhere the fact that he WAS trying was registering somewhere in my subconscious. Even when it was awkward and didn't turn out quite right. And the fact that I could see him trying sometimes, helped me get my but into therapy to try and rescue the R.

So don't give up on them! They may ACT like they don't care, but I just don't believe they really FEEL that. Honest Mike, in their hearts they need your love and guidance. You sound like a genuine guy; don't give up on them - as they grow into adults they'll learn a lot from your perseverance in striving to reach through that shell around you and build a connection with them. So don't give up!! I really believe they love you and want a R with you; they just don't quite know how to get there yet. Keep trying!

(PS - And 'Hoppy Easter' to you!) smile Okay bad silly pun. But I had to amuse myself a little... working today! Take care.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Wired #1973782 04/03/10 12:06 PM
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Quote:
Do I just go ahead and assume she is leaving and put the house on the market to prepare for the papers to be served some day?


Don't assume anything. Do what you want to do for yourself. Do you want to sell? If not, then don't.

The kids are more affected than they will let on. You know how they are. They have to figure out a way to deal with it. I think the more you can show that you are interested in their personal lives, the more they will respond to you. If you can't get them to say anything, then they may be dealing with depression themselves, or it could be their way of tuning it out. Wish you had a good family therapist.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #1974518 04/04/10 10:10 PM
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Hi Wired, Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing, and wish you a happy easter. Sandi2 has very good advice above.


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
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Well its been awhile since I have posted,wish I could be bringing signs of hope to anyone who has been following this thread, but unfortunately I cannot.
Was away on a business trip for 6 weeks that gave me way to much alone time. So I re-read DR and spent alot of time walking around downtown San Antonio just to think.

For the most part that was good, but when the sun would go down and I would be in my room the depression of being alone would sink in and I would slip back into the "woe is me" phase. But I did come to more of an re-affirmation of my goals in life and how I am not a lousy person and this period in my life will make me a better person regardless the outcome. (Have proof positive of this on the bathroom scale, I have lost 20lbs and Im short of my goal by only 8 more!)

Now comes the bad news. While I was away I emailed the wife telling her my feelings about us and how I would like to work things out for us to continue on into our golden years together...I know, I know big mistake.
Well fast forward to me walking in the door after being gone for 6 weeks. The wife looks at me and asks how was my flight and even before I can finish speaking she walks away into the other room. Neither of my daughters even bothered to come downstairs to say hello. Thank god when my son got in from work he gave me a hug and said welcome back. I dont think I could have handled the complete ummmmm I dont know what. But Im thankful he did.

The next day I asked my wife to take a drive with me so we could talk. During this talk she informs me nothing has changed in her decisions. She will be calling her lawyer in the morning. She did say she has noticed the changes I have been making and is grateful for them. But I dont know what to believe from her anymore.

I look at it this way, at least we are not in limbo anymore and if we do divorce at least we have a direction. Will continue with my "strategy" of taking care of myself and becoming a better person. Just maybe one day she will see this and we can start over again.



M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Wired #2010621 05/27/10 01:28 PM
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I just had to post this as it brought a smile and a little bit of joy to me last night.

Im an avid World of Warcraft player. So Im online last night just kind of hanging out and a another (female) friend that I know casually welcomes me back from my trip and says she missed us raiding together, (if you play Warcraft you know what I mean), well I say thank you and ask how things are going on her end and before I know it she is hitting on me in a big way. Not just little hints but straight out you should get on a plane this weekend...
OMG you talk about a moral booster when you are doubting your self worth and in the middle of everything else.
A very attractive person, 10 years younger and very succesful in life (she has something to do with the Olympics) hitting on a older man who feels like he has nothing to offer anyone.

No Im not getting on a plane and have no plans to pursue this (yet smile ) Just wanted to share this little ray of sunshine I had.
I have a little spring in my step today and a smile on my face.


M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
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