I just skimmed this thread, so forgive me if my judgement isn't correct here, but to me it sounds like you allowed your happiness to be dependent on your H, and that you let your life revolve around him.
We all make mistakes, and your M being in trouble isn't about the nagging about socks being left on the floor. Your nagging about these things seems more like "Look, I made my life all about you, can't you at least pick up your darned socks".
If I am correct, this is why you feel lost. You need to figure out how to make yourself happy and love yourself and set boundaries so that you don't make your happiness all about somebody else. Also, if I am correct, you are probably experiencing a spiritual crisis and identity crisis, and those can be tough for a while. It's tough because growing to be a happy healthy interdependent/independent person (which is what will ultimately make you happy) who loves themself and who feels they deserve better means overcoming a lot of negative programming and letting go of a lot of personal defenses that aren't working for you.
ended up having to ask my H via text message if he could leave the bar he was at.
Why?
Maybe seeing you would make him jealous. Maybe not. I really believe you are strong enough. You ended off crying over it, so having him leave didn't help.
I may have got this wrong, but in a way, it is kind of like bullying - "I'm coming so you need to go". It is his life, and you have yours. Whether your work it out or not, do you want to feel that pain each time you see him.
Reverse rolls, would you be writing 'how could he tell me to leave?'
It hurts to have hope so close, but no one seems to be able to touch it. Don't run your life scared of the beauty you two once shared.
i emailed him saturday morning to say i was feeling weird about asking him to leave and to let him know a good friend of ours had recently had her baby. i also said "i miss you" in the email...his response was a one sentence reply: yeah i saw the baby, cute, no worries about the other night, none of this is easy.
no mention of missing me, no acknowleding that i'd even said it. i don't know what i expect from him at this point, but i've tried every other approach, so i thought maybe i'd reach out to him and let him know how much i miss him...and i got nothing in return. who is this man? who is this person who can walk away from me and not look back, who can promise me years and years together and let it all slip away and leave me to start all over again? who is this man who swore to protect me and to make me feel safe, who can turn around and be the one to hurt me so much?
TTA, I know it's hard, and you do miss your H. But from now on, no telling H that, ok? Your H probably does miss you, but you'll be the last one he admits that to.
I understand the trying to reach out. But when you did, H pushed you away and it made you feel worse. To avoid that in the future, let H be the one to come forward; you retreat. It's like when you chase your boxer - he runs. But, if in mid-chase, you stop and run away yourself, boxer chases you. (I assume your dog does this too!)
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
how do you get to a point in your life when someone who was once the center of your gravity becomes a distant stranger?
For me, and this is cold, sleeping w/OM helped add some more distance for me. H had been doing it for 7 months by the time I finally did it. I never took on much in the way of new talent, but thought, at some point, I'm going to have to, or remain celibate forever.
Before that happened, when ever I felt myself wanting to reach out, I just pictured H w/OW [a/k/a fat f&*king wh*re]. Remember how H had me taking care of dog so he could take OW to NYC for her b-day. And how H did nothing for my b-day last year, other than a begrudgingly short appearance @ the party that my friends threw me.
In the beginning of my sitch, I idealized H. Now, I remember his greatest hits of un-awesome. I remember that H chose ffw over everything; it helps me to maintain distance. H's decisions are about HIM, not you.
Hope that helps.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
TTA, I am so sorry you are going through this. I definitely see a few similarities in our sitches. I am still muddling through how to deal with all of this myself.
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[/quote] TTA, I know it's hard, and you do miss your H. But from now on, no telling H that, ok? Your H probably does miss you, but you'll be the last one he admits that to. [quote]
I have to agree with RNM here. Your text to ask him to leave the bar also reminded him that you are hurting. It would be better for him to wonder if you are having fun, than to know that you are having a difficult time. You may have a horrible day of sadness, but try to have one or two good things to tell if he happens to ask how things are going/how you are doing.
wow. what a difference a week makes. have had a really positive, productive week this week. minimal thinking about my H. have not heard a word from him since last weekend. not talking helps me not think about him. not sure if that's good or bad. have my L working on new terms for separation agreement and keeping myself really busy with fun activities. exercising as much as i can and doing my best to just move on with my life. have not cried about my H or my situation ONCE this week! i geniunely feel like i'm really starting to move forward and accept the idea that things with my H are over. and i'm feeling relatively ok about that.
making VERY SLOW progress with another man that i'm interested in. he's currently in a relationship and far be it from me to break that up or involve myself in any kind of physical relationship with him while he's dating someone else, but...i've at least put it out there that i'm single and interested and i know i've peaked his interest. i'm just letting it go at that. no chasing. no desperation. i actually like this person so i'm more than willing to take it as slow as need be, if it ever even does end up happening at all.
but even if it doesn't, that's fine. i'm taking responsibility for my happiness and not letting so much of it fall to external forces, like my H. i don't know what's going on in his life and i'm not going to ask. i don't really care. outside of his general health and happiness, i don't really care to know what his life is like anymore. i don't need to put myself through the agony of wondering if he's with someone, if he's slept with someone...so i refuse.
i'm feeling confident in myself in a way that i haven't in a long time. once i get this damn agreement signed, i think i'll finally be able to breathe easy again, knowing that i'm free of all this and can fully move on and start healing instead of hurting. i tried my best and my H wasn't interested. i could spend the next 2 years grieving and fighting against that, or i could accept it and seek out another path to happiness. i thought he was my partner on the path, but he had another idea. i can't control that. so i'll let it go and leave him to find a new partner. and i will actually wish him well on that journey. i loved him with every fiber of my being at one point. i thought i would always love him. but i'm finding that he is less and less on my mind. and it is only once your heart is shattered and then repaired can you actually say it's strong enough, it's tried and true, and you know you can handle truly losing yourself to love again.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
hey OTM. wow, i just realized it's been a week since i posted on here. i just don't need the forum like i used to, i guess.
nothing has changed between my H and i. absolutely no contact between us for over 2 weeks, with the exception of an email from him today asking me about the status of our separation agreement.
i've accepted that this is moving forward and that my H will be filing for D in august. i have detached and am working on moving forward. trying to get myself back out there and i feel i'm ready to begin dating again after 4 months of celibacy!
my H is a complete stranger to me. i know nothing about him anymore...where he is, what he does, who he does it with. i stopped caring because it hurt too much to care. so i don't. i am taking care of myself and doing the best i can on my own. i find i think of him less and less and rarely find myself missing him these days. my mind is on another man and though nothing's happened with him yet, my focus isn't on my H, which makes moving forward a lot easier.
i wish i had a success story to report, but i think that my H's idea of marriage and commitment is just very different from mine. he may never regret this, or he may end up crying on my doorstep a month from now. but i've come a long way in the last 4 months and i'm not going to sit around and wait for him to get his head out of his as$ anymore.
if anything, i guess i should be grateful that he walked away, because i never would have and i would have let this go on for years before ever admitting to myself that i was unhappy in my M and that i wanted my H to be a better partner. he's not a bad person, just troubled, and it's not my job to fix that anymore.
running my first 10k on sunday. hopeful to go on my first "date" in 5 years here soon. taking it one day at a time. loving every minute.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
H had been doing it for 7 months by the time I finally did it. I never took on much in the way of new talent, but thought, at some point, I'm going to have to, or remain celibate forever. 