That thread was very interesting. I would love an opportunity to show some backbone to my wife, but I'm not sure how to apply any boundaries in my sitch.
My W has shown no concern for our M. She has stated, flat out, that her A (which she calls a R) makes her happy, and I don't. Given a choice, right now, she would choose him without blinking an eye. Our C only regards S3, no R or M talks, not even small talk. I have no idea how, in our current sitch, her openess with the A changes what boundaries I can or should make.
I don't really see how I can use boundaries to directly impact my M at all, when she does not care about it. I can't force her to reconsider how she feels about me. I can only imagine boundaries involving our S, but I have relatively few complaints about how we work together for him.
There is one thing. I would like her to be transparent about her activities w/ him. Mainly to be sure she's not doing anything messed up with OM in front of our S. I suppose a custody petition could be an enforcement. Might there be other possible enforcements?
Are you saying that as long as your W doesn't do anything with OM in the presence of your S, that you're willing to live with that?
Sort of, but not really. In my current sitch, I'm between the Scylla and Charybdis. I don't like the A, but she seems quite confident this is the right path for herself. I understand that setting a boundary is not supposed to be a direct challenge to her actions, but I need to see some other improvement in our relations before I set a boundary that relates directly to our M, because I see no way it can be anything other than a final ultimatum.
I think there's too much risk, currently, that saying, "I can't accept this A, and I will be forced to file for D if it doesn't end" will surely result in a D. I can't think of another, less damaging and final enforcement to use.
Right now I feel that I need to stick to a very strict LRT until I notice more warmth from her. -I keep my distance -I'm always friendly and upbeat on the phone or in person -I never talk about the M or anything about my life unless prompted, and I express optimism about my future plans when I talk about myself - GAL -In her presence, as much as possible, I demonstrate my rapport with and love for our S -I always dictate the end of calls and the end of face-to-face meetings (cordially, of course). -I give the impression of having let go
But, I haven't really let go. I'm at the point where I rarely cry or obsess about it, so I can live with the A continuing until I appear to be a more appealing option. That's when the other techniques, including boundaries, will come into play. (Honestly, she's already told me she's in love with the guy, she's already banged the guy, so how does a little more time make it any worse?)
So far, I've already noticed a small improvement. Yesterday she met my first benchmark - that she initiate talk about me and how I'm doing. It's such a small step, but it made me so glad.
In the end, if I never return to her grace, then I will have at least made myself a better person, and found some peace.
