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Hey, all! God, I wish I knew about these books 7 months ago. Not sure where to start...

I'm 33, W is 32, w/ 3yo son. We've been together since 1/96 and married 5/01. To me, things seemed great for a very long time. Having our son in 1/07 added some burden to our relationship, but I thought we worked well together, other than what I thought was a normal decrease in sex and normal decrease in "dating."

We have had some real stresses on our relationship over the years, and I'm sure now that I had mistaken their severity. Before I proposed to her, I had a minor, one time infidelity (no intercourse). I came clean to her after the engagement, and though we were on shaky ground for months, I thought things were resolved by the time we were married. I also struggled with an internet/porn addiction most of our time together.

Stupidly, I spent too many years saying that she needed to take care of her hang-ups, that it was OK because I was committed to her body and soul in the real world. She had been sexually assaulted in the 8th grade, which makes the stance I took especially callous. At one point she said she had come to terms with my porn problem. Of course, I took this as her saying, "I'm OK with it," which was completely wrong. From that point on it was never discussed, just like my brief encounter in 1999 was never discussed.

Things started to get pretty bad in the last half of 2008. By that point she already had her Ph.D, and was working as a contractor for the fed gvmt. I was a college dropout, and had been doing the same $16/hr blue collar job for 4 yrs at that point. We always talked about me making a big change when she finally got real work, and it seemed like we were on the cusp of making that happen. But I didn't know what to do and had no clear direction planned. Also, by that point, the usual arguments over money, housework, and communication seemed to be a real barrier between us.

I went with her on her annual week long conferrence in Aug., to which I had accompanied her for many years. When we returned, I felt hopeless and disconnected, but I couldn't pin the feeling on any single cause. The only thing I could figure is that I felt like a failure because my wife was so much more successful. That Dec. I was let go from my job.

2009 started off bad and got worse, as I remained unemployed most of the year. We left our rented house in early Jan. because of unhealthy conditions, and lived in an extended stay motel until March, when a new lease on a much pricier city apartment started. The two moves were yet another stressor. By April I was deeply depressed, discouraged and despondent. She asked me to see a counselor, and suggested marriage counseling. I agreed, but said I wanted to do some individual counseling before starting marriage counseling, because I believed my personal problems would be the biggest obstacle.

Finally, later in May I got in with a therapist. I had a few sessions, started antidepressants, and felt ready for action when she told me she wanted a separation in mid June.

The news devastated me, and the timing felt inappropriate. She insisted there was nothing to be accomplished in marriage counseling at that point, even though I had already made good progress and had stated that I was ready to work and make changes. We lived in great tension until mid July, when she said ILYBINILWY. With my suitcase already packed, in case I found a roomate, I left in a desperate rage that night. I never wanted to leave...

Since June I've made every possible mistake to push her away - things worse than outlined in DB or DR. In late Sept. she told me she was falling for her former Ph.D advisor. Naively I thought, "that guy's married, and seems like a good guy. She'll be disappointed." Then on Halloween she told me it was, in fact, a mutual feeling. He had moved out, and was living in a hotel. I have no doubt the emotional involvement predated the separation news, or else I think she would have considered therapy.

Adding insult to injury, after our last bombastic argument in mid Nov., I instituted a mean spirited, instinctual version of the LRT. I pulled away, but acted sullen, contemptuous, righteous, etc., whenever we met.

So, here I am, finally understanding everything I've done wrong. I still want our family to reunite, but so much damage has been done. After reading through the first 6 chapters of DR and much of DB, I feel some hope - more than I've felt in months, but I can't help to worry that our marriage is FUBAR'ed.

Right now I'm trying to put forth the most positive, congenial face and voice I can muster, and keep an eye out for any openings for a connection, no matter how small. Thanks for reading my epic, and please wish me luck.

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Welcome,

I wish you well during this difficult time. We are here to help.

Check out the books I have listed. They will help.

Focus on you right now.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Here's Ready2Change's recommendation of books to read:

Recommended reading(listed in order):
The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis
The Four Agreements Toltec Wisdom Collection: 3-Book Boxed Set by don Miguel Ruiz
Radical Forgiveness, Making Room for the Miracle, 2nd Edition by Colin C. Tipping
Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men by Wayne M. Levine
Keeping The Love You Find: A Guide for Singles by Ph.D. Harville Hendrix
The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray
Teach Yourself Flirting ( Book + Audio CD) by van Rood Sam

The Bible: corinthians 7-11


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Ust found out tonight, from a mutual friend, that last week she told her colleagues/friends at work about the affair. Apprarently she and the paramour are not very comfortable about it. Not sure what this means, if anything. Trying not to worry about it, and keep to my plan of positivity...

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So they have told their friends? Why would they tell if they were not comfortable with it?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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HNS: Sorry you are here but this is a great place to be in your sitch. People will come support you soon. Try to keep a positive attitude and really focus on YOURSELF. Set some goals - for your career and what you want in life. Keep going to IC and working on any of your issues. Good luck....


Me-44
WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY)
S-16
S-14
M-10/17/1992 T23
Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09
Me stronger and happier everyday!
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Thnx for the encouragement. My impression, based on what my friend told me, is that she was visibly upset when she broke the news, and that she only did it because she felt people were suspecting. The fact that she did tell does show that she's quite serious about the R with OM. My friend also gave me the impression that OM might not have been on board with this revelation. This situation could develop in many ways, so it really brings more questions than answers. This news did knock the wind out of me, but I stepped outside to cool off, then talked it over with my buddy, and I feel back on track.

In the meantime, I'm being as upbeat as possible, especially around her and S. I finally feel comfortable alone, and ready to make positive action for myself. Therapy continues.

Also, thnx for the book list.

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I'd like like to add that I had been a good acquaintance of friend with all of her colleagues, including OM and his W. I can't help to wonder how much tension there will be at her work, and what effect it will have.

If she ever gets to the point when she feels that she has to tell her downstairs neighboor (and mutual friend), that's a bad sign. If she ever feels like she's ready to tell her mother, I think I'll need to start sizing the coffin...

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Hmm... Maybe that last line sounded bad! I mean't the marriage might be too far-gone.

I wanted to ask for opinions about an action I've considered. The W and OM both work at a university, and OM has a position of authority (though I'm not sure there is a clear line of authority between them anymore). I had considered filing an annonymous tip to the code-of-ethics hotline.

I've resisted this for two reasons. First, nobody there knew about their R, so any repercussions might have led to me being scrutinized and further damage to my R w/ W. But now there are people at the job who know. The second reason is that this action seems to go against the principles of personal growth and change that underlie DB, and I had even decided that I needed to let their affair run its course before I bought the books. Perhaps it's better to stay focused on how I interact with W and not being concerned with interfering?

Do any of you have opinions, experiences, advice to share?

Thanks again.

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Read the thread in Newcomer Forum about "Boundaries" by Coach.

Whenever the WAW begins to make the A public, you need to make some serious boundary setting.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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