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Puppy,

I will have to demonstrate if it happens again.

Michelle,

No dating, got it. I am not ready to move on and am here for the long haul. Gnosis once said that jealousy can play a good role and that is why I was wondering about dating. My W does have severe abandonment issues and is terrified to be alone, so dating is not a good idea.


Me 33
WAW 32
S12
S4
S2
M12
T14
Not wanting to ever give up.
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You don't have to date to get her attention. Doing things on your own, with friends, being unavailable to her at times, detaching, etc. will all DEMONSTRATE through ACTION that you are getting your own life and probably scare her that you are going to move on.

When the WAS gets scared that you are moving on, they often try to reel you back in, whether they have made up their mind to R or are just trying to keep their options open. They do that by being nice, offering sex, whatever works / has worked in the past to get back on your good side.

You need to be stronger. Give her the space and time to work on her issues. You have to let her do it herself. You have to let her grow up.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
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Thank you guys.

I have just talked to some friends about playing cards tonight after I get back from MC.

Now I have a commitment tonight and cannot hang out with W after MC like normal.

I will not let her know what tonight's plans are.

Hope to win a little money (penny, nickle, dime game)

I said I was slow but I am learning


Me 33
WAW 32
S12
S4
S2
M12
T14
Not wanting to ever give up.
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Make sure you keep communication about the kids open. Make sure you arrange time to spend with them. But you are right, being a little mysterious and having other plans is great GALing. She doesn't need to know unless it's about coordinating childcare, and you can just say that you have plans with friends.

You need to keep consciously working on these things. Once you have created some new habits it will get easier. It takes repetition to make a new habit.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
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My S12 just setup his own FB page and I asked him to friend me. I will have the kids this weekend and plan on picking them up one night this week for a little fun out.

W can sit home and stew. She is not invited. Thinking of going to pizza place that the whole family loves.

Will not give W warning so she will have to stay home and hopefully think.

Kids and Dad having good time and her having none. As I am the primary breadwinner and will likely see an increase in income should we D; I would like her to wonder if this is the new norm.


Me 33
WAW 32
S12
S4
S2
M12
T14
Not wanting to ever give up.
Joined: Nov 2007
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Most of my friends who have kids old enough to want to be on FB made that a requirement to allowing them to have a page. Great way to keep an eye on their online lives.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
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Well you need about as much help as she does b/c you do not really hear what we are saying and you still continue to do what you have always done. You come on here and talk as if you've made such vast improvements in 48 hrs and how you aren't going to do all that stuff again and then contradict yourself.......which is still the same load of cr@p you have said & done before. That's why people can tell when you are not LISTENING and following what is advised. I don't know if you are that bullheaded or if you are that dense!

So, I'm out of here b/c I feel like I could take a swing at you myself! Maybe somebody else will help you but I don't have the patience.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi,

I understand thanks for trying anyway.

We went to MC yesterday and we each took a half hour individually instead of together.

W wants to work on her anger and that is good because if she escalates I am afraid for S12.

I talked to C about my issues and I filled C in on W's abuse as a child.

C said that that explains a lot and we should have brought that up earlier.

C will try to work that out in W's IC.

C suggested that I back away and leave contact about kids only. So that is what I will do. She said still lots of hope but W has to have issues fixed first and I need to be ready for a long recovery.

I am.

I think I needed to hear this in person for it to finally sink in.

On a plus side W came out from her time and was in a much better mood and said that individual time was much better than together time and wants to buy the book "Boundaries" by Cloud. She wants to get the book today because C suggested it to her.

I think we are both on track to healing; unfortunately for now it looks like the healing will take place separately.

I cannot help her through this but I think C can by asking the right questions to get her to look at herself.

MC will be pushed off until W has had a few IC sessions and I can see that my own IC needs to be ramped up.

I will also reread this thread and see what else I can finally absorb.

I do not blame you for giving up on me, hell some days I want to as well. Your help so far has been valuable if it took me a long time to finally realize it.

C has validated most of the thing you all have said. The only difference is that she said since I was always the one in control I should continue to let W have house for now as part of my 180. Other than that C agrees with what has been said on this thread by you guys.

I have been operating in Panic and fear and without a truly open mind.

Time for something different.

W and I need to heal and as long as that happens it is good for the children. I hope that we can come back together but not before we are in a better place with ourselves.

So here is to the start of a different type of journey. Wish me luck. I cannot fix W and she cannot fix me, but with the right C to ask the right questions to make us look inward we may be able to fix ourselves individually. Only then can we fix the M.

I hope this does not take as long as it did for KAW his took over 3 years. I am trying to build strength to last as long as it takes.

Again, thank you very much for helping is bullheaded man.

D


Me 33
WAW 32
S12
S4
S2
M12
T14
Not wanting to ever give up.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
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Yes, they have to be separate journeys for now.

You can do this if you choose to.

Reread the advice you have given, make a summary of what your C told you and put it on the mirror where you will see it EVERY DAY (or your wallet, the idea is just to see it as a reminder).

Your motivation is admirable. You have a lot of work to do to change your own habits. The first step is becoming conscious of what needs to change, which you are doing. Things will not change overnight for either of you, you need to consciously change your behaviors, form new habits.

It's something that requires determination, focus, and patience.

Keep moving in the right direction.

No grand promises that you will never slip up again. That things will be different now.

Slow and steady progress.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 102
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Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
Yes, they have to be separate journeys for now.

You can do this if you choose to.

I do choose to. I may need to lean on someone from time to time to borrow some of their stength.


Reread the advice you have given, make a summary of what your C told you and put it on the mirror where you will see it EVERY DAY (or your wallet, the idea is just to see it as a reminder).

Your motivation is admirable. You have a lot of work to do to change your own habits. The first step is becoming conscious of what needs to change, which you are doing. Things will not change overnight for either of you, you need to consciously change your behaviors, form new habits.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I have been controlling and needy (especially with physical touch). I need to be stronger. This will take time, a lot of time.

It's something that requires determination, focus, and patience.

I have to work on focus and patience, determination I have in spades. Focus is where I am severely lacking.

Keep moving in the right direction.

No grand promises that you will never slip up again. That things will be different now.


I know that I will slip up. We all do. I just hope that my slip ups will be less and less frequent as we move forward.

Slow and steady progress.
[color:#000099][/color]


Me 33
WAW 32
S12
S4
S2
M12
T14
Not wanting to ever give up.
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