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Funk-journaling,

Haven't posted here or elsewhere, much, in two or three days. The ol' Funk hath returneth. Don't know why, actually.

The ever-precarious financial sitch doesn't help.

I've been blasting music evenings in an attempt to lift the ol' spirits.

It's kind of a no-win cycle: rattling around in this old house full of memories every night alone. And it's no longer a home, just a house, just a building.

The pressure of carrying it all alone still leaves no extra dough for GAL activities, new clothes, etc. So here I stay most nights. My season is starting now AND picking up so that promises to ease things financially. Made 60th and last loan payment on truck today, woo hoo!

But I figured it was the music. The ipod on shuffle. Too many songs I can't bear to hear and even though I skip over them as soon as I hear them, their thought, the memory they invoke has already fired up and taken flight by the time I banish them with my Sound Dock remote..

So tonight, I hooked the ipod up to the computer and did some long overdue deleting. Two, in particular had really funked me out, so I deleted them, but put them on Facebook for posterity and catharsis.

I'll be alright. Even after it's all "over" D-wise, it's not really over. Time. Time will take care of it.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I hear you Gardener. I'm actually glad not to be in the house now. I try never to go in. It confuses the girls, but I can't stand the memories either. I soooooo want her to sell that place.

Music is a strange trigger.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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(((Gardener))) sending you some prosperity vibes...


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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Thanks, CTH.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Flowmom, I sure need 'em!
Thank you.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Gardener,

I take it you played a little Barry White the other night to brighten the mood? smile I heard Rick James ("Superfreak") on the radio the other day and it made me think about our posts a few nights back over at IWITW's thread. Good stuff. It reminded me of my life before my W, which wasn't too bad after all- though I'm not completely thrilled to (apparently) be starting all over again at 42, not to mention the hurt to the kids and the financial wipe out. Just gotta keep your chin up and realize things will get better for us. Hang in there my friend.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Hey G'Man..

I know a guy who gets out of the house when the 'funk' hits, goes to the grocery store, walks around the mall... just to be around people.

Having a 'funk' isn't bad, crying is great.. getting stuck is the tough thing. How well I know that one!

Good job on deleting the 'trigger' songs! It must make listening to music easier. Congratulations on completely owning the truck. That's a few more bucks in your pocket. And hurray for spring.. allowing our Gardener to spring back into action, doing what brings bucks and heals at the same time.

Woo hoo!

*hugs*

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Gardner,

I realized why I don't visit the sites of others much any more......it just rips my heart out. I may have stuff to add, but it almost makes me physically ill to read about you, and so many good people, caught up in the emotional "wood-chipper" (another Connecticut reference!) that is divorce. I know the wrenching sadness that I went through, from July 31, 2005, until I was "born again" by deploying to Iraq in June of 2007. Almost two years of INCREDIBLE sadness. As many people here know, I actually tried to check out with some beer and prescription medication. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. I even wrote notes to my kids, asking them to forgive me for what I was about to do, which I keep on my hard drive to this day.(Imagine going to war to SAVE your life? I don't recommend this course of action very often, but it worked for me!)

At times, when I drop my S12 off at STBX's house, and he turns to wave goodbye to me, I am overcome with a tsunami of grief that it didn't work out for my kids, and that I can't just go out in the road and play catch or shoot baskets with him EVERY night. I still cannot look at pictures from when the kids were small. It's overwhelming. I still see him laying on the bed in July 2006 when I said I was moving out, and he was inconsolable. If I had a violent streak, it would have been awful!

But....life goes on. I have been blessed since returning from Iraq. My life is so full of hope now, but I read these posts, and I see the absolute devastation that divorce brings. It's one of the cruelest emotional acts that anyone can do to another human being. So many people seem to move on just fine, but I was one of the smoldering wrecks on the highway of death caused by divorce, so reading your thread and other, just churns up bad sediment!

I'm sorry for your situation. I am glad to see, however, that you turned to bench presses instead of 16oz arm curls!

Last edited by FLTC; 03/17/10 04:59 PM.
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Oh, Gardener man--

your post frightens and saddens me. Rattling around in the house of memories. As I am about to make the choice to do.

The Funk has a life of it's own. Say hello. Acknowledge it. It's there. But maybe you can gently move it to the background.

Music: all I can say--is be careful of it! I have barely listened to music since August 1st. I dunno--maybe some Black Sabbath? Something to really pound your head against.

And I burned some pictures the other night. Cathartic.

Congrats on the truck--that will help.

Getting out and GAL is so important--what in your area is free/cheap? lingering over a cup of coffee at the local Barnes/Noble?

I think of you every morning when I take my multi-vite and fish oil capsules! (you posted on nutrition once, lest you think I am a complete wingnut!)

Take care of yourself. Time. Time. Time.


Me: 44
Him: 42
Together: 23 years; never married
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BigJohn,
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
Gardener,I take it you played a little Barry White the other night to brighten the mood? smile
No not that night. I do have another "guilty pleasure" that I rarely admit to, though: Abba! (Shhh. Don't tell anyone.) And I did crank up some - Oh my God - 35-37 year-old Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Like many bands, their first two or three were great; subsequent ones kind of formulaic and cranked out. But I, II and Not Fragile were real a$$-kickers!
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
I'm not completely thrilled to (apparently) be starting all over again at 42, not to mention the hurt to the kids and the financial wipe out
I don't blame you. But I must say that I started over at 39 after 1st D and wound up with over 16 years of love, life, and happiness that I never dreamed possible. But at 56, I'm not overly thrilled at the prospect again, nor the financial wipeout. At least the "kids" are all in their 30s, settled and pursuing their lives.

Gypsy,
Amen on all counts. Funk ain't always bad, crying is cleansing and deleting the Gardeners' soundtrack was definitely overdue. Though today a song came on that I hadn't deleted since it had no association with us: Missy Higgins' Where I Stood: "Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you. All I know is that I should. And I don't know if I can stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should." Got rid of THAT one, too.
And the truck payments? Thank God!

FLTC, I don't visit many threads anymore for the same reason. I stay away from Newcomers because it is so emotionally draining except for a few who I've grown close to. Mostly I stay here at Surviving, though I really should visit all of your threads more often.
And I'll answer your brutal candor with brutal candor. I had a plan in mind right after New Years' myself. New Year's Eve was particularly rough. Just couldn't take it anymore. Even thought of inviting my brother over the next morning on the pretense of going out to breakfast so he'd be the one to find me, not X or son. Planned on putting a note on bedroom door saying, "Don't come in. Just call 911. I'm sorry." But I fought hard out of that by getting active, envisioning my children's ensuing months and years in the aftermath and by "revisiting" the whole aftermath when a friend of mine did it by pistol in his garage in '08. Back then, I anguished over "Why?' and "Why didn't he reach out?" and "Did I miss any signals?!" Got myself out of a real dark place I don't ever want to be in again.

Avermont,
I have gotten better (for the most part) at squashing the funk when it appears. And yeah, I go more now for the Sabbath, Zeppelin, Ramones, and Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers' scream-alongs wink My best friend, Anthony (R.I.P.) was their bass player. Those and my always-preferred Mountain with my favorite rock guitar virtuoso, Leslie West: www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc02XRNR7jo Borders, Starbucks, the gym. I AM getting out somewhat, not to worry.
And God knows what shape I'd be in if not for the exercising and the 20+ supplements a day!

And, Lord, yes: Time. Time. Time.
Don't know what I'd do without you people sometimes. Thanks.

Today's Bummer (which I am NOT going to take personally) comes from Best Sister-In-Law. She and I have always been close, she stays neutral and I even visited her one night last week. Now, admittedly, I've posted some pretty sappy -but poignant -videos on my Gardenerman fb page. But on my regular page, I've only occasionally quoted some lyrics that reflected my mood of the day or the sitch. Posted both my sadness and gratitude for many wonderful years on D Day. Nothing bad. SIL and I even chatted fairly often on fb right up until yesterday - about the weather, the storms and her dog!.

Today's message: "Hi Gardener -

I'm sorry - but I am un-friending you on FB. This way you can post whatever and I can feel comfortable that I am not being "unfaithful" to my sister. She still comes first with me and I don't want to know more than I already know about you two.

Have fun on FB - and be kind to my sister!!"

Not taking it personally. She just may feel awkward.
No assumptions: she may still think the world of me for all I know.
Although we'll see if she replies to my response asking her to please clarify what she might have seen there that she deemed offensive, because I would never offend her.

Oh well. On it goes.(and, as usual, on and on I go!) And once again, here it is 8:00 am and I haven't slept a wink tonight. crazy

Last edited by Gardener; 03/18/10 12:00 PM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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