Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 63 of 64 1 2 61 62 63 64
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,262
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,262
"The date on the papers was the day I posted feeling the strongest urge and calm to stand for my R with H.

Why did he file that day?"

I can only think that God knew what your H was going to do and was preparing you for this new bomb.

It is only a piece of paper..,

Find the calm again... Keep doing what you started to do...work on yourself...find the calm! The rest will fall into place!


M48 H53
M16 T18
S16 D13
SS30
H drops bomb PA/8-30-09
H leaves 12-30-09
D filed by H 2-10
H asks to come home 4-11
Piecing
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
Thanks everyone for your support here and on the alt...

CW, I do believe you are right about that. I had the same fleeting thought that day but I had forgotten about it. The thought that I had to remember how I was feeling for the future.

I had an epiphany of sorts today... After finishing Melody Beattie's "Stop Being Mean To Yourself" which is less of a how-to and more of a recounting of a part of her journey.

I'm still processing it to put it into words but I'll post about it soon...


~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~

My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
I'm posting some of the passages from the book I just finished because maybe someone else will find them helpful and they may help explain my lightbulb moment today...

"When you tell people you don't like yourself, they just scrunch their face and say things like "How can you not love yourself?" Or they say, "I don't understand that because I really love myself." But then you look at them and you know it's not true. They hate themselves too. They just don't know it.

It used to bother me why some people had to go through so much pain in life and be so aware of it, and other people were just happy to go bowling," she said, almost as an afterthought. "For a long time, I thought maybe we were being punished for something. But now, it doesn't bother me anymore."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't think people who have a lot of pain are being punished," she said. "I believe they're the chosen ones."

(Pg. 80-81, Melody Beattie's "Stop Being Mean to Yourself", a conversation with her daughter)



It hit me when I read this passage in her book, that there were many things in my life that had prepared me for where I am now. Too many to list but one stands out crystal clear:

As a teen, I impulsively volunteered for a few special needs summer camps and worked with a series of boys with Autism, with their ages ranging from 4 to 18. The only reason I did was because my friend had to as a punishment for something (community service) and begged me to and I was bored. In doing that, I was more attuned when I saw the signs in my son who was less than 2 years old, much earlier than most parents notice things who haven't been around Autistics.

Also, throughout my M, I had to compensate for H's lack of financial restraint and budget on one income for our family. I became quite good at stretching money wafer thin. Now I find myself going back to those skills I learned today to keep things going for my family. Without that prior experience, I wouldn't have been able to switch gears so quickly back to that way of budgeting.

I always believed that special needs kids were given to those who could best give them the life they deserved to have. Whether or not it worked out that way was up to the one given the gift of that child.

More than that though, I've stepped back and realized that I have been given two children, one verbal and one not. Two perspectives in one family. Two different ways of raising children as the interactions are completely opposite. With one you use gestures, pictures and words, and the other the need for those is diminished.

Why were those two children given to a writer? To a woman who has even more profound emotional and psychological disabilities that were inherited, but are easier to overcome than a neurological one...

Because it is only someone strong enough to overcome her own deep disabilities that would be strong enough to raise, nurture, and protect two opposite children such as mine. So that's the answer to "Why me?". Something I've been asking on and off for years in times of hardship...

And as for them being given to a writer, perhaps just for today.. or maybe for a future book or other means of sharing what I learn along the way...

(continued...)


~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~

My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
(Part two..)

Since she describes this so much better than I could at this point, and there is little that I would add or change, I'll post her words that hit home to me as a description of aspects of my life so far...

"In the name of God, spiritual growth, and trying to be nice and do things right - I had given away, as Janis Joplin wails about in her song, a lot of pieces of my heart.

I had handed over my esteem to those who hadn't been able to love me, either because it wasn't their destiny or desire. "Here, take it," I had said. "You must be right. There's something wrong with me." I had never learned the rules, the rules for how to be loved. I had given away my power to love, to be loved, and most of all, to love myself.

To those who had betrayed me, I had given the best pieces of my heart and soul. I had given them my hope, my ability to be fulfilled, and my compassion for myself. I had given up what I know to be my truth. I had foregone my right to be free from lies and deception. Instead, I had learned to betray myself. I had given so much and settled for so little in return. It was a deadly spirit-killing game. These were the most precious pieces of my heart. God, it was time to get them back. It was time to really love myself.

To those who said they knew better and more about what was right for my life, I had systematically relinquished my power. I had given up my ability to think and feel and to stumble around and find my own path. I had given away so much of my power my light had almost gone out. I needed to remember that each of us is valuable and has something important to contribute to the world. And my answers were in me.

I had given away my freedom to a lot of boxes and traps - from money, to sick love, to all the "have to's" "should's", and "shouldn'ts" floating around in society and embedded in my head. I had clipped my own wings and sat locked in a cage feeling bitter, powerless, and trapped. I didn't have to stay there. I knew how to fly.

To the dark forces of grief that had weakened my heart, I had given my ability to experience joy. I had begun to believe that life was only about loss. I thought it was supposed to hurt and be hard. What were those words I used to believe? "Everything works out for good. There is a Plan. I can really and truly trust God."

I had given my voice to those who would benefit by my silence. So many words were stuck in my throat I could barely speak anymore. I had forgotten how to scream in rage, shout for joy, say "Get away" or "Come close". I had learned to expertly acquiesce. I had forgotten how important my words are. It was time to start speaking my piece.

I had learned to overlook way too much. I had lost my stick. We each have so much emotional and spiritual power. I needed to remember what was important not to just others, but to me. It helps everyone when we tell people to stop.

To those people who hadn't protected me, I had given my right to feel safe. I had forgotten how to trust life and myself, to feel secure and out of harm's way. I thought I had to feel frightened and on guard. It was time to get back my peace. I knew how to protect myself.

To those who hadn't wanted me - at least not the way we want to be wanted. I had given my right to be here. Maybe they hadn't chosen me, but I could choose myself. All of us who are here now have chosen to be here for this transformational time. We are the chosen ones.

To all my dreams that had been shattered and lost, I had given my ability to dream again. I didn't think there was anywhere new left to go. I didn't think there was much left that merited hope. An important part of me had died. I had forgotten how to wish. I thought dreams were stupid and just for the weak, not for people who had sense. I didn't think there were any prizes left, at least not in this world, not for me. It was time to get back my sense of wonder and awe. I wanted to throw pennies in the fountain again and make a wish upon a star.

Now that I know what was missing, I wanted all these pieces back.

We don't have to settle for one iota less than we deserve, and our birthright is to be whole, complete, and intact. What we need to know is not how wrong we've been but how wonderful our souls and lives are."

(Melody Beattie, "Stop Being Mean to Yourself")


~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~

My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,605
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,605
DG - I truly see how this speaks to you...It is like written for you or by you.

(((hugs)))


M53 H54 D17
M33Y T38Y
Bomb OW 09/09
OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10
WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10
Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
DG, This is so profound. You are helping yourself out of the darkness into the light.

You're going to make it and you'll be better than OK. You'll see to that.

God knew what He was doing when He blessed you with your children. I work with students with special needs everyday, autism included. We pray that those children have parents like you, and hurt for those that do not.

God Bless you as you walk this path DG.

(((Hugs)))

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 466
Since I'm pulling both roles these days I thought I'd say it to myself...

My kids wanted to call H for Father's Day... He wasn't in town for them to do so... Two guesses where he was... Youngest was very upset... *sigh*

His loss big time...

Other men are starting to look more and more attractive... I keep trying to remind myself how H was before this crap took hold...

Happy Father's Day to those real men on here who know where their priorities lie...



~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~

My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,605
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,605
(((DG))) - his loss indeed...however I so feel for the kids frown


M53 H54 D17
M33Y T38Y
Bomb OW 09/09
OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10
WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10
Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
(((DG))) Know how you feel. My H was out of town, too. Some of the children texted him to have a Happy Father's Day. I did as well. I had no expectations of a response. I knew the kids expected an acknowledgment and were disappointed.

You're absolutely right, it's his loss.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,466
((( hugs ))) DG. I am so sorry to read that your H is dropping the ball as a father...how deeply disappointing. All you can do for your children is empathize with them and role model self-soothing. It must be so painful for you though...the ultimate betrayal.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Page 63 of 64 1 2 61 62 63 64

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard