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What a great update, Donna! I'll be enjoying spring with you.

Sunny


Date of separation 4/23/07

DB under Warm&Sunny 4/07

married 9 yrs

sons 6yr & 17yr
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Yeah Donna!! I am so glad that you feel good and sound good. I know S14 had issues with school to. More so last year and then a bit at the beginning of the year before he had a girlfriend. Surprisingly his grades got better then and he also became a bit of a social butterfly.

All is going well with me too. We will have to catch on the alt sometime soon.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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:-D.... See!


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(((((Donna)))))


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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Donna, I was going to say that what you have done with adjusting S14's schedule is exactly what I had to do with Marc's. We actually moved him to a 5 year high school plan to slow things down because it was overwhelming him. We took out his biology class for 2nd semester and added a study skills class in to compliment his social skills class. It has worked out tremendously well and he is making B's and C's now instead of D's and F's!

I'm exciting to see what you do with your spring!

Personally, I'd love to see some pictures of your art on FB. Can you post some of the projects you have? I'm not artistic in any way but I love to see other's work. I appreciate art, just can't create it.


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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OK, friends, turning here with frustration...

Today was an unusual down-turn for me....actually went home and straight to bed before it could get full-blown.


You have all read the issues S14 is having in school. He is challenging me a lot, but is also loving and open with me at other times (so I don't outright kill him?).

Well, this morning, he decided he couldn't go to school because he was supposed to wear his ROTC uniform, and the pants are now a little short, since he is growing like a weed.
I suggested going in with the uniform pants and exchanging them as soon as he got into the building. Refused...
Told him to go in anyway, suck it up and get the demerit - he was NOT staying home from school because of clothing, especially since I had reminded him to check the uniform on Monday night.
Refused.

He is suddenly 6" taller than me. I mean, last summer, I looked over his head.
I can't physically force him to do anything. And he has gotten passive aggressive down pretty well, moving at a snail's pace when he is told to do something until I resort to the counting to three thing.
So, he slugged along until the bus was gone. I am getting myself and D10 ready for school.

Finally, I told him that if he wasn't going to school, he wasn't sitting home with the tv and computer all day - I took him with me to my school, had him do his schoolwork all day and help with my classes occasionally. He is also grounded through the weekend.

Now, the problem.

He texted his father to let him know he stayed home. His father called him multiple times until he got on the phone, then "ripped him a new one," twice throughout the day. Insisted he wanted to talk with me at lunch.

So, I called him. We spoke for about 20 minutes. He wanted to know why I didn't call him right away for help in the morning (he said he would have gotten to him then, or even driven back from work an hour to drag him to school).
I told him again about the recent challenges, and that it might not be something that he wants to hear, but it is some of the fallout from the divorce - we are no longer a united force, the man role-model is no longer a constant. I said that I was frustrated on many levels, especially since raising our kids was something that we had been so good with. I did let some of the anger and blaming seep through; I know it. I told him that S14 doesn't really care all that much what he thinks about him (a half-truth....more of a projection of mine that what my son has actually expressed, I think), so him getting into it all the time would have limited effects, anyway.

He said it isn't that he is putting down my parenting, just that he wants to help, to be more involved. That I should call him each and every time, whenever I get challenged. I don't think he realizes how often that would be.

And here is when I start feeling like sh!t.....

I am still angry. Angry that my kids have to deal with this. Angry, too, with being abandoned, pushed aside, and now this man wants to work together and be friendly. I know it is only because of the kids.
I can keep these feelings at bay when I have no contact.

I just want him to go away. I don't want his help.

Those pain-in-the-a$$ feelings try to well up...be a friend and maybe he will "see." Maybe he will be sorry. Maybe he will realize what he left behind.

Where does this COME from? I go back to the list of crappy things he did, my gratitude list for the life I currently have. Emotions suck. Loving someone sucks.

It comes up within me again, wanting to sit down with him and talk, explain how angry I am, how it gets in the way of us doing anything together about the kids, wondering if he really is happier the way things are now (of course, NO indication that this isn't the case! He just took that woman and her 4 kids down to Easter with all his sibs - I've given up on relationships with any of them, at this point, an easier thing to let go, given the current perspective I now have).

My head screams, USELESS, BACKWARDS, A PATH TO BEING MISERABLE AGAIN BECAUSE I CAN'T FIX IT OR CHANGE IT. (My IC has asked me in the past - what is it about me that has this irrepressible drive to fix things? I haven't been able to wrap my head around that, yet).
Smart brain is pretty sure that the limits he has displayed show that he just isn't worth it, that he isn't capable of emotional growth, etc, that I deserve better. Shows at least traits of narcissism.

So, I feel torn, guilty. Am I being selfish in keeping it all to text and email? Not wanting to get him involved in the day-to-day issues with the kids?
Or have I doomed an awakening?

I don't know what direction to go in, now. I know what I WANT - him to either go away so I can stay sane, or for him to have some kind of awakening, some remorse....and then what? I don't even know.
Neither of those seem plausible.

But I know that dealing with him as things are, going along with the life he chose for himself (and inadvertently, me) without saying anything........I haven't been able to do that - it is crazy-making.

I think that, rather than coming to acceptance, I was back in denial, again. Pretending that he was dead, or something...anything other than making peace with what is.
Explains why I still dream of taking her head off at the shoulders. Dreams suck.
Quote:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....


Have I just been biding time, trying to wait this whole mess out?

I want to do what is best for my kids. Just don't know if I am strong enough to do that..........they need their mother sane, too.


I don't know what to do. Feels like the edge of that slippery slope, again.
And I bet he doesn't even have a clue as to what is going through my head.

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Hi Donna.

Feelings and emotions are fickle things...they pass. Sound judgement isn't fickle.
You're human, and you're hurt...and you still sometimes feel the things that you mentioned. That's OK. I know you'd rather not feel them...but, we all do from time to time.

I think, in order to learn from the past...a person must 'forgive' it. Not forget it, and not forgive one person in particular...but, forgive the past. The whole past (all inclusive).

I'm struggling with some of the same things you are. It's hard. It hurts. I sleep better these days knowing that I did everything I possibly could to turn things around...even though I was not able to do it. It took more than me...and the other party wasn't willing.

Time...it's the one thing...the only thing...that can truly take away this kind of pain. That, and lots of effort.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Thanks, antlers.....
time sucks, right up there with love.

Just read this...seems cruel timing:

Quote:
April 07, 2010
Pisces (2/19-3/20)
You'd like nothing better than to charge off after that one special person you're wildly attracted to, completely forgetting about anyone and anything else. Moreover, your perpetually keen instinct is telling you they'd absolutely adore it if you did. Unfortunately, you're duty-bound at the moment, and they may be too. Until that changes, hang out, make plans and and bide your time. You can do it, but you'll certainly have your work cut out for you.


Toying with the idea of asking my IC to do one final sit-down with x...maybe have him read some of what I wrote today, have her get a take on where his head is at, see if he gets any of this. See if it is safer to keep my current course of no contact at all....I don't know.
But man, what an ego trip it would send him on if he is still sure and happy about his choices, to know that I may still be thinking about him...but then again, I wouldn't care, since I would go back to complete no contact and he couldn't use it against me.

Are relationships always this supposed to be hard, and I was just the clueless of them all for more than 20 years? Stupid, Donna - there IS no relationship right now!!! Ugh.............

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Hey Donna,

Saw your post on FB. It's funny - we must be in sync today. Had felt like I'd reached an absolute turning point of no looking back last week. All was absolutely positive.

Met with XW today. Went fine, but I left feeling like, after having an A and treating me like sh*t, she'd been able to move on to a great life. I'd been left picking up the pieces. And still am to a certain extent. Still don't really know the reason why.

But you know what? So what. I'm not living her life. I'm living my life. It may not be as shiny and positive as she makes out her life to be, but it's the best I've got. And I'll be damned if I let her get me down. I would LOVE for her to feel remorse, but I know she doesn't process things that way. I, however, do process things that way. I would feel remorse. So everything I push on to her, is really about me.

Hard to admit it, but it's true. But here's the silver lining. We're thinking this through. We're analyzing ourselves and measuring the responses. We're much better prepared for anything life throws our way. Them? Not so much.

I know this isn't much consolation, but part of living is dealing with the curves thrown your way. Each day you're stronger and more in control, whether it's obvious or not.

lodo


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Sorry you are having a hard time Donna. I think that we all go through similar stuff. My ex and OM bought a big house in our old neighborhood and now she wants to bring him to our kids events. I told her that it would make me uncomfortable and that if she truly wanted to have things comfortable that she should put some work into it rather then just pretend it is. She of course ignored it. IMHO, you can't punch someone in the nose and then expect that time and denial will fix it.

SO...I think if you need to avoid him - avoid him. It's his problem to fix, not yours. Your job is to move on with your life and make the most of it that you can. He can only stand in the way of that. You deserve better and you will have better but first YOU must believe it.

You have a teenage boy. He's going to be a handful, he's going to test his boundaries with you and he's gonna screw up once in a while. He has to - to learn. It's your job to set consistant boundaries with him and let his actions have consequences. Maybe have him send a note in to his teachers explaining why he missed school and have them sign it. Think he'll do it again?

There are plenty of good kids who were raised by one parent. Be happy that their dad is involved but you do what you need to and what you feel is best for them. (((((Donna))))


Scott: 38
X: 39
M: 13yrs D: 12/12/08
S9, D8, S6
MLC/EA/PA
Bomb: 8/10/06 S: 01/07 Asked for D: 05/07 Mediation 07/07

"And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want"
- Gomez; See the World
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