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#1896152 12/17/09 01:04 AM
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I haven't posted in a while and my last thread locked up but here goes....

KARMA

X has been missing the kids more and more the weeks I have them. Last week she called many times to talk to them. The kids told her I had tickets to take them to a special holiday performance on Sunday afternoon. A couple of hours before the performance she began to text me: Who was going with you? Are there any tickets available? I wish I could be there. Tell the kids I love them.

Then Sunday evening she called on OM's phone: Why aren't you answering your phone? I've been trying to call you. (There was another holiday program I told her she could have the kids to take them to but she never got back to me). She then basically flipped out on the phone wanted me to bring the kids to her (I refused due to the short notice, the hour, and the fact I was feeking them, the next day being a school day). I later learned she called my mother (who could tell she had been crying) in an attempt to contact me.

WEIRDNESS

About an hour later she called and began to ask me a maintainence question concerning the house. She was no longer in a panic but there was a note of urgency to know in her voice. I told her the profession of the individual qualified to deal with the issue and let it go at that.

The next day she called to apologize for her behavior on the phone the previous evening but it turned into a bit of explaining away her behavior oln her part. I ended the convo asap without letting my irritation at her lack of tact show.

When I took the kids to her that very evening to begin her week to have them she invited me in. She drew the kids (and my) attention to the fireplace which had three stockings hanging on it.

Does OM not believe in Santa Claus?


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
Joined: Nov 2006
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Sleeper, You are still very much entangled w/W, although you've done a good job of setting reasonable boundaries. You still have so much contact with her. I do wonder if that is always good for you.

It is weirdness...but I guess I would wonder if it matter.... That is the attitude that I am trying to have: it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he sounds a little sad. It doesn't matter if he and OW break up. I just need to go on with the things that matter to me for now.

You've been doing a great job with your children. I am glad for you and for them.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Quote:
You are still very much entangled w/W, although you've done a good job of setting reasonable boundaries.


Uh, that's X W. Freudian slip or 2x4?

Her sibling who suffered very similar abuse as a child has serious boundary issues. She still has this weird connection to me even as she is wed to OM. It's almost as if she has a split personality. C said she is "borderline" and multiple personality syndrome is one of the disorders upon which she borders. Having children together makes things all the more difficult.

I have three camping trips planned with the kids this Spring. They are pumped and so am I.


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,071
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Sleeper, I know it sounds contradictory but you know I have followed your situation and I see progress from YOU.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Jan 2000
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job Offline
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Sleeper,
I'm very proud of you! You are doing so much better and have a lot of plans to look forward to w/your children. Your focus has shifted quite a bit and you sound a lot better.

As for your xw, she's waking up a bit and realizing what she's been missing out on for such a long time. She's starting to realize that you and the marriage weren't so bad after all.

Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Snodderly.

Although this is not where I wanted to find myself, I am finally at peace with being where I am. There is a life to live and enjoy and I am constantly finding new ways to do so.

Quote:
She's starting to realize that you and the marriage weren't so bad after all.


You may find it interesting that a few hours after you posted that comment X called saying she had reservations and inviting me to dinner with her and the kids. I was caught offguard but handled this one better by asking, "Who will be there? You, the kids and OMH? Anyone else?" She responded OMH would not be there and mentioned she thought I wouldn't feel comfortable if he were there.

I declined saying I had Christmas shopping and errands to do and need to take care of those things while she had the kids. She repeated the time in case I changed my mind.

A few hours later she called on my cell. I didn't answer. I remembered a post Jackthreebeans made some time ago in which he mentioned they wouldn't come home until you no longer wanted them. I was reminded of that as I questioned whether I would want to reconcile at this point or not.

The kids and I have a great life together when I have them. X has noticed this and verbalized she is jealous of the fun we have together and wished she was with us, even asking if she could join us on activities in the future.

That's not going to happen as it wouldn't be healthy for me to take another man's wife along on a trip with me and my children.

"I can see clearly now the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

I think I can make now the pain is gone..." Johnny Nash


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,910
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Great song by the way...


Some take off and never return.
Some pop in and out, never staying long.
Some truly are just fed up and want a new start.
Some are just frustrated, lost, and need space.
Some are MLC, many more are not.


Too much uncertainty in those labels above to ever place much hope in them. There is one thing though that I have a great deal of confidence in saying.



Those who leave will never come close to being ready to return until they are allowed to fully experience no longer being a part of your life.


One of the great ironies of this marital crisis mess is that when full separation finally occurs, it is often we, the left behind spouse, who eventually choose to remain separate.


I hope this will be a new year that is a fresh start for you Sleeper. You have been through enough, it's time to allow your own personal healing to come full circle and truly allow the chips to fall where they may.



Many blessings,

Bill


"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
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So here's some "Weirdness".....

X is friendly to me now. She was vitrolic to me for so long I don't really know quite how to respond or to even act when communicating with her for that matter. I have found myself basically babbling in response to her niceness on a couple of occasions.

She told the kids she is going back to college to get her degree. That makes sense in a weird way as she has been acting like a teenager the past couple of years. Maybe she is growing up.

She asked if she could have the kids tommorrow on my time. I didn't say yes even though I have no specific plans with them as of yet. She backed off.

On the other hand they have requested I cook them breakfast (the works) sometime as I have apparently been lacking in that regard.

I'm definately doing a big breakfast in the morning.

Last edited by sleeper; 12/27/09 05:47 AM.

"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,177
Likes: 50
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Sleeper,
She's growing up just a little bit, slowly but surely. As for her being nice, follow her lead and just listen to what she has to say and respond in kind. I'm glad she's being nice, but Right now, she's wanting the children on your day. Some tend to be overly nice because they want something; others are genuine. So, take her behavior w/a grain of salt.

I do hope you are planning to cook that "big" breakfast for the children this morning. It sounds like the children are looking forward to it.

Sleeper, take it one day at a time and do not look too far into the future. You've come a long way and your xw senses that you are detaching more and more she doesn't want that to happen. She feels her control and manipulation are slipping away and she will attempt to suck you back into her drama. Do not fall for the bait. Live your life to the fullest...you deserve it!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I think that she is finally getting what the jist of divorce means, if you have kids the ex-spouse gets to also spend time with them, and how ever your spouse treated you in the pass (Like you getting your own way all the time) walks out the window like you did in your marriage.

Be nice, civil, but do not engage in actions that kind of eludes that all is well (like marriage to the person who broke up your marriage falls into this category) when it's not.


I think you did swell and can you make me some French Toast !!!

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