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Quote:
I'm hoping the boundaries book will have the blend of compassion I'm looking for combined with a tough love approach I need to grow into


This sounds very interesting CL...I need to work on these things too, will have to look up the book!

So glad you seem to be making progress. smile


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Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
It's become clear what I need to learn, and how I need to grow.

CL


YES,, Fix yourself and the rest will fall into place..Trust me

Doc


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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Doc, Naej, Matilda, Aud, Jak, and DB Friends,

My W commented that I'm being a better companion these days. I'm orienting my days around her. I'll have to be careful that I don't become a "lap dog", as has been suggested.

Last night while Salsa dancing, a former teacher noted how uninhibited I've become. I was a student of hers about two years ago.

My W and I have our dance performance at the studio tonight. I'm using a technique suggested by the teacher of having a personal secret I want to convey to the audience. I'm the best dancer in this group, so my secret is to tell myself that during the performance. Otherwise, one worries about screwing-up and imperfections. My W and I are prepared, so now what's left is the mental approach.

I've decided that moving forward is being more public about my R with my W. Our former dance teacher asked me if my W and I still live together. I told her yes, and left it at that.

I clarified with my W why she wants me to take swimming lessons. She imagines us floating together out in the ocean. This terrifies me, as I use a flotation device. She wants me to learn how to at least tread water. That seems like a reasonable goal.

A comment (a 2X4 that made contact) observed that I don't make time for others. I decided that I was behaving too much like a single person in a M, which was consistent with my GAL approach last year. I've decided that I need to start acting like a H, even with the recent boundary violation, and my emotional reactions.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Hi Cl, all sounds good, if a long time coming-lol. I really would like to see you stepping up the pace alittle.
Great that your dance teacher made that comment about being unhibited,take that as a huge compliment from her and that has to have such a positive affect on your dancing. I think I told you once to feel the dance and worry less about being step perfect.

Now this may just be your style of writing but to me it all sounds a bit clinical, I would really love to see and feel some love for your wife,yes I know all she has done but overtime I have come to have some sympathy for her or should that be empathy.

You have been hit by so much of late and yet you have remained cool and steadfast,I guess it is a fine line to fix /save the marriage in an unemotional state whilst still feeling all those emotions associated with it.

I took swimming lessons at 50, I am very good at floating and treading water but the actual swimming I still find really hard work,something to do with less than flexible ankles. I am not suprised you are hesitant because it requires trust/ faith if you like that the water will hold you up, not a rational assumption and I found I needed to put my head further back in the water than I liked but was essential to get that line needed to float. Good luck with it.
Do you find learning all these new skills freeing, I did.

Hope I am not pushing you too hard, I just so want to see you break out of the self presevation shell you wear like a coat of armour and just BE. Live life as though today is all there is, you must know that quote "dance like no one is watching".., not to the extreme of being irresponsible.
I spent years having to do this on certain days xyz on others that it prevented me from being spontanious, my kids used to joke mum can do spontanious as long as you give her 3 weeks notice.
Well I changed, I go with the flow and care less what people think of me and somehow my world didn't fall apart,my kids survived and my pets and plants didn't die.My home is clean and tidy although somedays you can't eat your dinner of the floor-lol.I have time to laugh and smell the roses,the joy and beauty of all the small things. The things I took for granted and missed whilst trying to be Miss perfect and juggling too many balls.
I am sending you great vibes for the dance and for you to loosen your grip, drop a few balls and laugh at yourself and life
.Hugs.

naej #1999741 05/10/10 05:15 PM
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Naej, Doc, Matilda, Jak, and DB Friends,
My W and I did our dance routine perfectly. We've been glowing about it ever since. It should serve as a confidence boost, and give us some recognition in the dance community. We are looking forward to the next performance opportunity. My W states that she couldn't have asked for a better partner. I posted a picture of my W and I that was taken on Facebook to share. We've been receiving congratulations from the dance community and from others.

In Mars & Venus, John Gray writes "When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship." My W has observed that I've been a better companion lately.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
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Wow, Congratulations to you both, takes two to salsa.Pity I don't do Facebook, would love to see the pics.
This may just be the perfect time to make that bedroom move.

Congratulations again Cl I am sure it was a great confidence boost.

naej #2002869 05/14/10 10:44 AM
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Hi CL,
Just bumping you up, you ok? any news.

naej #2003414 05/14/10 11:50 PM
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Naej,
Thanks for worrying about me. I've been quite the companion this week. I sacrificed my ballroom night, as my W had the day off, and I knew she would be restless to go out. I made a deal that I would spend the evening with her if she would practice with me, which she did.

I did go to a lesson on my own the next night. It was Cha Cha, which I want to improve upon.

She and I went to a yoga class the next night. The gym was offering a free half hour with a trainer, which my W signed up for. She needs some toning in her abdomen and upper body (in my mind only). The Yoga class reminded her that she needs some toning work, and that dancing doesn't meet all fitness needs.

I've been busy reading "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis Smedes and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud. I think both books will be helpful.

Her dance friend, who she ran around with last year, has been telling people in the community that we're married (a big no no, as my W is private about personal matters). She called and told him to stay out of her life.

I've been enjoying the mild celebrity of being known as a performance dancer. People have been buzzing about me at work. We're looking forward to signing up for our next performance opportunity.

My W called me and let me know about an opportunity for baseball tickets for the local team. She never has wanted to go in the past. We're going to see a game this weekend. It should be a nice change of pace from our usual routine.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: May 2007
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Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener

Her dance friend, who she ran around with last year, has been telling people in the community that we're married (a big no no, as my W is private about personal matters). She called and told him to stay out of her life.

CL


WHAT???? presonal matter? CL I hate to break the news to you but Marriage license is public information.

Sorry but that just hit me wrong...

Hey aside from that you sound great and things do seem to be improving

Keep up the positive attitude buddy it goes far

Doc


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Dr LOve #2003720 05/15/10 05:12 PM
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That struck me as odd too. For you personally, that her dance friend is telling people you are married, I think, could be a good sign that he will be less of a distraction, thorn in the side. His telling people you are married sort of makes it sound like he is recognizing and respecting that more than in the past.

Your wife objecting to people knowing you are married or objecting to him telling people you are married is really really strange to me. The only reason I can imagine her having a problem with it is if she wanted to make yourself seem available in those circles.


Me 44 She 46
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