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A Message from Michele
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Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: peacetoday] #1917748
01/16/10 04:22 PM
01/16/10 04:22 PM
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still hoping Offline
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Upside,
Luckily for you, you have such a good understanding of what's going on and what you need to do. You have no control over H, only yourself.

I haven't even gotten nearly as close to where you are, but I do feel that now is time for me to move on without H as well. I feel completely defeated, having done all the damage control I could possibly do over the past 3+ years.

Look on the bright side though - I'd rather be in our shoes than in theirs.

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: still hoping] #1918185
01/17/10 04:40 PM
01/17/10 04:40 PM
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Upside Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: dncrm
I used to constantly tell myself that I have to live as if he was never coming back. Eventually this does get easier and eventually I started to accept the fact that he probably wasn't coming back. Believe me, this makes living and moving ahead so much easier and happier.
Today I am having difficulty with this. Maybe it is all too new since it was just a couple of weeks ago I thought (or wanted to believe) my H was going to move home. I keep having flashes of memories and feelings that make me want to do something stupid like contact him. I have to remind myself that things would just end up the same way. I am frustrated with myself because I keep remembering the good times and forgeting the bad. Today I feel afraid to move on and leave behind the love and the history that we share but somehow I have to get out of limboland.


Originally Posted By: OldPilot
You can not decide the timing or push it faster but you can decide what YOU want.
Very true. What I want is for my H to snap out of his MLC and come home to be the committed H he once was. Since that is not an option right now, I have to move forward alone even if it isn't what I really want. cry

Originally Posted By: glamgirl
Sometimes in life you have to do what you feel in your heart is the best decision. I know what I want, now its just a matter of getting what I want.
You deserve to find what it is you want in life. You put so much effort into trying to save your family. It is so sad that your H couldn't be the man his family needed him to be. You sound strong and resolute. I am proud of you. I am working on getting there. At least at the moment, this is more difficult than I thought it would be.

Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
Originally Posted By: glamgirl

We differ in values and the bottom line is I didn't make my h happy.

This sentence really hit home for me. I always thought my H and I wanted the same thing. Even in this state he is in, I'm beginning to wonder if (because he has been able to do what he's done) there is too big of a difference in our values to ever make this work. Kind of a hard thing to admit.
That is true that we can't make our spouses happy right now however, there really isn't anything or anyone out there that can make them happy. I have to wonder if our spouses hadn't run away from their committments, would they be as miserable?

Originally Posted By: peacetoday
moving on a bit with the door still open
maybe your H justs needs a little more time to figure it out
and in the meantime you can set yourself free from limboland
I'm trying to figure out a way to keep the door open but yet set myself free from limoboland. I really feel like the only thing that has changed is the NC and I am grieving the loss of the relationship again. This isn't easy. I have all these thoughts running through my head...Do I pack up his things? Do I file? Do I start to date? If I really want to move on, I need to do those things but I am not sure I am ready.
Originally Posted By: still hoping
Look on the bright side though - I'd rather be in our shoes than in theirs.
True. Even with all the denial, they truly must be tortured souls.

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1918202
01/17/10 05:14 PM
01/17/10 05:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,790
Southern Maryland
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Even if your spouse has remained in the home and kind of in the relationship, he would have been miserable. You might want to look up a thread that I wrote many years ago about what my thoughts were on their running away. It may help you better understand why they do flee.

I had a feeling your expectations were up a tad when he was giving you feelers about returning home. The heartache that follows when they do this puts you right back in the game of grieving, especially when you were moving along nicely. Yes, you would dearly love for him to "snap out of it", but it's not going to happen any time soon. He still has some issues to resolve and at the end of his crisis, he may opt not to return home for a long time, if ever. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may not return. Learn how to leave the door ajar and continue to move forward. When you take the focus off of him and put it back on you, things will begin to move again for you. Right now, you are stuck in one spot and are afraid to let go of the rope once again. There is nothing to be afraid of....you still have your memories and the history that you shared w/him. No one can take those away from you. However, the man he once was isn't there right now and you have to let him go to finish up his journey, just as your journey needs to be completed. Where your journey takes you is up to you, but do not stay in one stage very long or you will remain stuck. Grieve the loss, understand that you cannot rush this crisis and know that at the end of the day, you have done all you can and are a beautiful woman who has much to offer the world.

Upside, no one can predict what the future holds for you, but Glam posted an excellent posting about where she is and where she wants to be. Her relationship w/her h isn't what she had hoped, but she's found a way to be in business w/him and knows that she deserves better. She walked the same path you are right now....


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: job] #1918228
01/17/10 06:34 PM
01/17/10 06:34 PM
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Upside Offline OP
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Snodderly, thank you for tell me about the threads on running away.

Here are the links for anyone interested...
My Thoughts On Why They Run Away During Their Crisis
and
My Thoughts On Why They Run During Their Crisis


Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1918247
01/17/10 07:04 PM
01/17/10 07:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,790
Southern Maryland
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Posts: 27,790
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Upside,
Please let him go for a while longer; allow God to have him and show him the way. You need to spread your wings and soar for a while and focus on your life, the world around you and what you would like to do in the days, months and years to come. If it is meant to be, your h will follow you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: job] #1918277
01/17/10 08:27 PM
01/17/10 08:27 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 622
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kjensen Offline
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Thank you Upside for the links and thank you Snodderly for a wonderful explanation of why the MLCer runs away.

My husband has shared what I consider verbal/emotional abuse he felt at the hands of his father growing up, and the poor self-esteem that he had as a result. He never felt loved by either parent.

I asked him if he wanted to ever talk about his feelings/perception with his parents and he said he didn't..that he understood his father was doing the best he could and there was no point looking into the past...

So I'm wondering with your explanation, Snodderly, will my husband ever heal, even if he doesn't confront or talk to his parents?


M44 H46 T21 Married 16y
D14 D12
Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09
Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09
Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce
Divorce final 6/30/10.




Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: kjensen] #1918296
01/17/10 09:24 PM
01/17/10 09:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
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Southern Maryland
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k,
Your h didn't feel comfortable in discussing the issues w/you. I sense he didn't go into great detail w/you what transpired. Discussing the issue at length would take him back and make him relive relive the pain, hurt, and disappointment. He wasn't and isn't ready to deal w/it just yet. That is the main reason he is in crisis and at some point, he will need to face what transpired and come to realize that he was just a child and wasn't at fault for what happened to him. Many will speak to the offender(s) who stunted them emotionally to try to better understand what transpired. The mlcer needs to learn to forgive themselves and those who have hurt them.

As to whether or not your h will heal w/o speaking to his parents, I would say he has a 50-50 chance. It will depend upon him to figure out what he needs and wants to do about the feelings he's stuffed down all of the years he has carried the pain, hurt and disappointment. If he doesn't speak to them, he will always wonder about that time in his life and question what he could have done differently. I would hope that he would feel safe and comfortable at some point to talk to them about it, but he may not. He may need to seek out a good "C" to assist him in walking through the land mines of his memories to help him better understand his feelings. Time will tell how he will deal w/those "ghosts of yesteryear".

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: job] #1918480
01/18/10 03:41 AM
01/18/10 03:41 AM
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glamgirl Offline
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Upside you will need to grieve all over again. It's like the R ended all over again. Only you can decide what to do from here. Is that standing and waiting more, keeping the door open, closing the door? There are many options and you don't need to make a decision today.

For me, I knew that the end was near. 4 Christmas's without a single phone call from my h was enough for me. He only text me on Christmas Day to say "you just don't get it". I knew at that moment nothing was ever going to change unless my h wanted it to.

I knew in my heart I wanted more, but my h was not willing to give me more. So I needed to make a decision for me, not for my h.

Most recently my h was being friendly and asked if I wanted to have sex with him. For the first time I was able to say no. Now I would have really liked that, but I knew in my heart I would be left with the crumbs not a real R.

I decided what I wanted was a h not some stranger now and then. It wasn't until I got to this realization that I knew I needed to move forward.

You will know in your heart when enough is truly enough. Take time to think through what you need to do, but my best advice is to let him come to you. Don't call, don't text, let him chase you. If he does, then you know where you stand. If he doesn't then you can ponder it for awhile and see what happens in the future.

Whatever happens you will be fine. We all get there eventually.

Remember this is NOT what I wanted for my life or my children, but knew that I would be living in la la land for a long long long long time to come. My h had stopped counseling and refused to start it up again. I felt then I had no more options.

I don't really think my h is happy. Heck he is a very depressed man, but I to see that I can't fix that. He needs to want to pull himself out of the deep dark depression. He knows that, but for whatever reason he stays stuck. I can't help with this nor can I give him advice. He mostly resents anything I suggest or do. It is seen as me telling him what to do.

Take time for you Upside!


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: glamgirl] #1918669
01/18/10 03:52 PM
01/18/10 03:52 PM
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Posts: 3,925
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peacetoday Offline
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upside

How are you doing today?
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: job] #1918688
01/18/10 04:17 PM
01/18/10 04:17 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,235
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Upside Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: snodderly
Upside,
Please let him go for a while longer; allow God to have him and show him the way. You need to spread your wings and soar for a while and focus on your life, the world around you and what you would like to do in the days, months and years to come. If it is meant to be, your h will follow you.
I know this is what I need to do but somehow do it where I am no longer waiting for him. I have no problem GAL and living without him however his clothes being here make me feel like I am still waiting...and not filing makes me feel like I am waiting. I believe I have done the right thing for my H and me by making this break. I couldn't go on letting him live in both worlds. And if livng a life without me in it doesn't make him think, then it just wasn't meant to be. I am trying to find a way where I am truly feel like I am moving forward without pushing him completely away. I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.

Originally Posted By: kjensen
So I'm wondering with your explanation, Snodderly, will my husband ever heal, even if he doesn't confront or talk to his parents?
Interesting question. My h's parents are no longer living so if they are the problem (which I think there are some issues there but I'm not sure what they are), he may never choose to deal with it.

Originally Posted By: glamgirl
I decided what I wanted was a h not some stranger now and then. It wasn't until I got to this realization that I knew I needed to move forward.
I hear what you are saying. However, especially in the last few months, there were times when without a doubt my H here with me. The way he would talk to me, make plans with me, the way he kissed me or cuddled with me, etc., I could tell he really did care. The problem was that he just couldn't let himself get too close to me. He would let me in only so far and then he would have to run back to his apartment or to work or golfing with his buddies. I had a part-time H but that didn't work for me. In a way I feel bad that I didn't have the strength to continue on the way things were since it does seem like we were progressing in some ways but as time went on, I was just able to see his pattern more clearly.

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