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A Message from Michele
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Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1905811
12/31/09 10:18 PM
12/31/09 10:18 PM
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Deadlines are pressure.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1905823
12/31/09 10:47 PM
12/31/09 10:47 PM
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Posts: 27,790
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Upside,
It's a combination of both of you. Some Mlcers will state that they want to come home, etc., and they will drag their feet on this. By his actions today, I would say he's not ready to return home. He's picking up on your anxiety about the situation. You need to step back and allow things to progress naturally.

I know you really want him to come home, but he may be having second thoughts on it right now. This is one of the hardest things for the lbs' to experience. They are so close to reconciling and coming back into the home and relationship and yet, they still have two toes on the other side of the door.

Accept him for who he is right now and understand that the less anxiety that you show and yes, impatience w/his movement of belongings, the better off everything will be. During this period of transition, I cannot emphasize enough that patience has to be practiced almost hourly.

Step back and allow God to finish working on him. Take the pressure off of him (you may not even realize he feels pressure), and allow him to make the first move. Continue being his friend for now. Drop the bread crumbs so that they will lead back to your door where the candle is burning in the window to light his way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: job] #1906012
01/01/10 05:03 AM
01/01/10 05:03 AM
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Hi Upside,
Great to hear an update from you. Did you have your kids for Christmas? Hope you had an enjoyable holiday, even without your H around.

You have handled your situation so well for so long. I also think now is a good time to take a step back. Think about if you are really going to follow through with being done with H if he doesn't move in with you. Sounds like you are still willing to give him some time, which is probably what he needs.

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: still hoping] #1907263
01/03/10 03:45 PM
01/03/10 03:45 PM
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Upside Offline OP
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Jack, I hear you. They are pressure and MLCers and pressure don't mix.

Snodderly, thank you for your great advice. I know you are right however I'm just not sure I have anymore patience left in me.

sh, my Christmas was nice and my kids were with me part of the day. You are right, my H does need more time and there is a big part of me that says time's up!




Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1907297
01/03/10 04:30 PM
01/03/10 04:30 PM
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Upside Offline OP
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New Year's Eve my H showed up as planned. He was acting uncomfortable so I asked him if he was freaking out (about moving back in). He said he was but that he didn't want to talk about it. Eventually he seemed to relax some. We went out and had a nice evening. The next morning, my H gets up and seems anxious. Tells me he left some laundry in his washing machine at his apartment so he has to go and put it in the dryer. I disappointed thinking that we would either be spending the day together or he would be moving things over. Nope. He ran and hid. We talked on the phone later but that didn't really go well. We agreed he would come over the following morning. We talked for hours but resolved nothing. He says he loves and he can't imagine his life without me but he isn't 100% committed to moving back in. He says he doesn't want to lose the solitude he has when he goes to his apartment. I told him that he needs to find ways to find the solitude he needs when he is here. He claims it won't be the same.

My H said his less freaked out but yet he is still stuck. Can't move forward...can't move back. He wants to keep me in limbo hell with him and I'm just not sure I can do that anymore. I feel like if I just continue to give him more time, he will just continue to find more excuses. I feel like if I give him more time, I'm not following through.

When he left yesterday, he said he was going to go and process everything that was said and that he was going to call me today. I tried to let him know that I was done but I don't think he believes me.

There is a part of me that wants to believe that if I give him more time, he will come to his senses. Then there is the other part of me that thinks he will continue to do this as long as I let him and the only way out is if I show "tough love".

Snodderly, I know I have not been handling the situation the way that you recommended. I wish I could but I just don't have it in me to accept everything on his terms anymore. You have seen so many of these situations. Is there ever a time when "tough love" works?

We have a MC session scheduled this week. My H suggested we go and see what the C has to say. I told my H no, that it wouldn't change anything. Now I am wondering if we should go. My other option is just to start moving forward with my life without him. I am not sure what to do.

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1907387
01/03/10 06:49 PM
01/03/10 06:49 PM
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Tough love will not work in this situation. When you are having conversations w/him about moving back, you are putting far too much pressure on him. He's not ready to come back, he's given you the excuse of having time alone, etc. When this man is ready to move back in, there will be no excuses given.

Impatience will be the downfall of such situations....this is the hardest part of your journey....you want him home now and yet, he's almost there, but not quite. Give him the time he needs if you really want him to return...What's 3-6 more months? You've been flying solo this long, can you continue to move forward and live your life w/o him being under the same roof for a few more months? Many, many people become so impatient at this time and screw up their chances of reconciling, i.e., they opt to file and get on w/their lives or they continue to push and the Mlcer will dig their heels in deeper and stay right where they are at, thus, a longer time in the over, so to speak.

Tough love does not work for the MLCer.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1907407
01/03/10 07:30 PM
01/03/10 07:30 PM
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Upside:

Hello, I have never posted to you before, but I have read your thread and have great sympathy for your situation.

Do not feel bad about setting up boundries. Being out of the home 3 years is quite a time, tho I know MLC can last, commonly 5+ years.
On one hand you are advised to GAL, but you are also supposed to hold your life while MLC'r flounders.

Sounds like he wants the security of a "mommy"/wife/home, but not the commitment of being a husband.

He says he is 80% sure? Sure of what? What is his 20% of confusion about? Does he say?

I am rooting for you!


Last edited by kickme; 01/03/10 07:31 PM.
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: kickme] #1907520
01/03/10 09:50 PM
01/03/10 09:50 PM
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Snodderly-Thank you for your response and trust me, I hear what you say. I just can't express how difficult this is. I am so torn. If I knew it would only be another 3-6 months for my H to come home, I would be willing to accept that but there are no guarantees he won't come up with a whole new set of issues that will keep him away. If he still were confused about how he felt about me, then I could clearly see that I had no option but to be patient if I still had hopes of working things out. He admits he loves me and wants to be with me, so why is he so afraid of making the next logical step? It is frustrating and disappointing to me that does have the guts to make that step and there is a part of me that thinks he is actually going to have to lose me to see things clearer.

My H talks about how he has let women control him all of his life and he doesn't want that to happen again. Since my H has had total control over the last 3 years, he doesn't want to give that up. I can't go on not having any control. So here we are.

I do see exactly what you mean about him digging in his heals if he feels me push. I don't want to push him and I know it doesn't help. I just can't stop myself sometimes because the running and hiding has gotten so old. How someone can realize that they love another person and want to be with the other person but they can't let their walls down enough to let the person that the love in?

I have backed off and will continue to but I don't know to what degree yet. I'm not sure I want to take his call, if he calls. I am still considering the MC option.

kickme-Thanks for you support. You are so right about my H wanting me for the security of a "mommy"/wife/home all the while he has no committment of a real husband. I sometimes wonder if he needs to "lose" that before he will come to truly appreciate it but I hear what snodderly is saying too. It is all so confusing. As far as the 20% of my H that isn't sure about the M, he has said in not so few words that he has issues of control. I've tried to explain that we need to try to find new ways of dealing with things so that we can be together and both be happy. He agrees but isn't ready to go there.

Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Upside] #1907542
01/03/10 10:13 PM
01/03/10 10:13 PM
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I think Snodderly is right (always a good bet) but the reconnection from what I have read is a gradual process where he might run out of the tunnel get scared and run back in. You have to be patient and let him finish the whole process. You could be so close. I would think that you need to take it as it comes and keep your expectations low.

I know its hard but you can do it!


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Am I Ready for This? [Re: Cadet] #1907564
01/03/10 10:39 PM
01/03/10 10:39 PM
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For now, he needs to find ways to be a husband, partner and friend to you.
It all takes time and you've been at this for a long time and I hear you about being frustrated, but you want him completely "done in the oven" before he returns. You don't want him at 80%, but you could settle for 99.9%. If he were to come home now, he would most likely run again. That would be so much more painful for you.

If you have time, try to do a search on DebM. Her husband was a bit like yours, i.e., standing in two ponds with toes in both. It took her husband a while to finally make the move home. Now, I want to caution you, if your h does return home and keeps his bags and boxes packed...don't unpack them! They need to have the control over this and they will do it when they feel like they can live within their own skin.

Control issues? He still perceives you as trying to fix things. You will need to step back, stop making suggestions and let him take the control back in his life. I know you are trying to help him, but he is seeing it as trying to tell him what you both are going to do. In other words, he thinks everything will be the same ole, same ole when he comes home...you the fixer, etc.

Do something different...don't be so readily available...let his calls go to voice mail and return the calls later. If he asks where you have been just say out or I've been busy working on whatever in your home. He knows that you are there for him, but he needs just a little nudge in knowing that you are not going to always be there at his beck and call and be his fixer. Can you do this?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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