Calling out the Piecers

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dday,

I'm not trying to make extra work for you, and please excuse my ignorance, but since I've only recently started to follow your sitch, can you briefly give me some background on how it is your COUSIN ties in to all of this? I'm lost, and not understanding your wife's very visceral reaction to the cousin, and how that all ties in.

thanks,

Puppy

[Goodfight]

Yes, definitely the OM investment or not needs to go. Actions do speak louder than words and XW needs to get out of the investment if she wants to fully work on reconciling.

[dday101798]

briefly give me some background on how it is your COUSIN ties in to all of this?

No problem pup,

I've been living with my cousin in her house since last February after not being able to see my son on his birthday and the D was getting underway. I couldn't afford to keep our house up and flip the bill for an attorney and the house allowed (x)W 24 hour access to rummage, steal, and fight with me.

So, my cousin took me in to her house and helped me buy a vehicle that I'd need for work. For the first few months things financially were fine, I was able to give her all the money in the world that she wanted and help her out, and pay her back for the vehicle loan.

Then the D hit and I lost 48% of my overall income. So things have been tight ever since. I do pay whatever bills she asks an dgive her money when I can, but a 'fixed' rent has been near impossible.

So, as always, money, is part the problem.

Then there's the noted recent reasonings: my cousin has been there all thru out the process of the D and watched me go from cloud 9 to hell 100 times over and cares for my well being (even said again last night).

I also believe she lives out the loss of her H through me in some wierd way, we were very much alike.

My cousin says she'd like to see (x)W and I and the kids all back together as the happy family we were, but is skeptical of (x)W.

(x)W in turn is skeptical of my cousin's motives for being so protective of me.

That's why I'm really getting the notion that the 3 of us need to straighten this out.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks; that helps.

What, specifically, are your wife's suspicions, as far-fetched as they may be? Is she romantically JEALOUS of her?

Puppy

[NoCodeBlues]

Dylan,

I am thinking that your xW still not having gone 100% NC with the OM is a powder keg just waiting to go off. Especially if you are wanting to get you two and your cousin in the same room to clear the air -- which I agree is much needed, but with your xW still not severing all ties with OM, your cousin is likely in no mood to give any quarter -- and the potential for clearing the air might really be a major fight brewing.

In that case, I can see your cousin's reason for not trusting your ex.

Until you get these underlying issues put to rest, you might find it easier to hold peace talks in the Middle East.

And you need to solidify the NC with OM status for your own sake as well, of course. Each time the R clock gets set back to zero, as they say.

[dday101798]

What, specifically, are your wife's suspicions, as far-fetched as they may be? Is she romantically JEALOUS of her?

Hmmm, although my cousin looks pretty good for 56, I don't think so, lol.

The problem (x)W has 'with' my cousin is that I'm not at (x)W's 100% beckon call. It took her some time to one by one sniper off the clse friends I had before we were married. Then, the new ones I'd make afterward went through a rigorous screening, and were cut at the bootheels instantly if my time with them interferred with anything (x)W had planned for us to be doing.

Like I said the other day, (x)W is very controlling. If I had left her sight for more than 5 minutes, I'd have been 'grounded'. I stress 'had' as that is a definate change that needed to be made and an 'old habit' of hers I will not allow to repeat and in polite way have told her so. Which was pissed (x)W off the other night, but she slept on and aplogized for yesterday.

[dday101798]

And you need to solidify the NC with OM status for your own sake as well, of course. Each time the R clock gets set back to zero, as they say.

That my friend is the dilemma in it'self. There is no way for me to know 100% of the status. I live 13+ miles away from (x)W. OM lives all of 3 blocks. I'm certainly not going to make it the duty of my kids to report if he's around. Then again, half the time they don't even realize that I had stopped by late and stayed with (x)W for a while.

Other than her phone bill and the gossip channel around town, I've got nothing. Nothing to say no she isn't with OM still, and nothing to say yes she is.

At least I can say that (x)W voluntarily tells me when OM contacts her.

[WalkingMan]

Sounds like she's got some amount of control over the situation. SHe may be being completely honest with you, but you still need to be careful. Make sure she's not cake-eating.
Do what you can to get the facts, without seeming to 'probe.'

Baby steps, but be cautious about trust.

[hopeforfuture]

That my friend is the dilemma in it'self. There is no way for me to know 100% of the status. I live 13+ miles away from (x)W. OM lives all of 3 blocks. I'm certainly not going to make it the duty of my kids to report if he's around. Then again, half the time they don't even realize that I had stopped by late and stayed with (x)W for a while.

No, there is no way to know for certain unless the WAS is within eye and earshot of you every second of the day. Not realistic.

She has done zero to say where she is at with OM. In fact I asked her last night what is going with that, and her only answer is "I don't know".

This quote from the other day would really scare the heck out of me. "I don't know?!?!" What does that mean??? The answer to that question needs to be an emphatic NO. If she can't convince herself that she is done, how can she convince you?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Agreed.