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#1880991 11/25/09 12:54 AM
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Hello friends, it's been a while...

We finally separated in July after 1.5 years of living while separated and navigating a collaborative divorce process. We have been saying that we are divorced both for the sake of our daughter (6.5), and because that is our view, even though the court won't make it so until Feb/March. Since we never fought in front of our daughter she didn't know about the divorce until the day we separated, and the specialists we were consulting advised to convey to her a sense of finality.

I had been doing really well since separation, in many aspects of life, and even dated for a short amount of time. I'd say that my preference is for us to stay together, but I also know and can handle moving on without too much difficulty. Things are a bit more anxious for XW, largely due to not being able to land a job.

While the ideal may be for me to do NC, the reality of co-parenting, and both of us being very involved in DD's school, is causing us interact several times a week.

Four weeks ago our daughter's emotional and academic struggles became apparent - 1.5 months into 1st grade. While the divorce is an obvious item, it now appears like there is much more to her issues (ADHD and/or dyslexia + significant opositional behavior that have been documented by the school since her pre-K days), we won't know for sure until a therpist has finished a thorough assessment and observations (6 half days in total). It's been a bumpy and very emotional three weeks to say the least.

XW and I have been doing intake sessions together with the child specialists, and some elements of the discussion were tense (e.g. XW anxiously interrupting me a couple of times, and stating that she is not getting the opportunity to be heard). But... as always, we continue to function very well as co-parents.

Our formal arrangement for Thanksgiving is having our daughter on alternating years. This is the XWs year. But... she got confused on odd or even years, until two weeks ago. Her plan is for them to spend the day with good common friends that we have, and she indicated that I'm welcome to come as well.

I initially had just planned to go, but after a conversation with my guy friends I'm much more torn on on the subject (my friends' point was that going would not be healthy for me, and is debasing -- "you're done, so be done" "next year you'll have DD, just move on.")

There's no serious OM at the moment. I know because XW and I hit the same social venues, just on alternate nights. Our Daughter sees us doing many things "together" / collaboratively.

The big dynamics at play are my ability and tenacity in making continuing progress along the emotional separation front, vs. spending time together "as a family" which I already know would feel good all around, but would continues an enmeshing and confusing state (it also is one more way that XW gets certain needs met by me, even though we're separated).

To be clear, the friends are equal mutual friends, they are not the X's friends or her family. Also, our daughter is seeing many examples of us working together and doing things together. We have so many common activities, interests, and friends that it is not at all uncommon for us to all end up on the same weekend day at an activity together and for us to function well as a "family" . So Gunny's point is well taken.

I can tell you that on my years we will definitely be going to visit my family (I do not have the financial or relationship problems that are keeping the 'x' away from hers this holiday), and Thanksgiving has always been special to my immediate family.

I don't think that the X cares that much if I show up or not to the event. If she cares it may simply be so she doesn't feel too awkward in front of our friends. The dilemma is all in my head, and has to do with my notion that because the final decree has not been issued the X may change her mind. Particularly if we experience a good cozy family event together, and if I'm associated with that memory in her mind.

Any thoughts on the topic?

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Hmmmmm... I don't know. I guess my first question would be what were your original plans, and did they involve any other friends?


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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Personally, I think you are way over thinking this. Look at it as an opportunity to be with your D for Thanksgiving and with some good friends as well. It just so happens that your STBXW will also be there - just treat her like one of your friends.

S4H

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"but after a conversation with my guy friends I'm much more torn on on the subject"

That says it all.

Do what you think is right.


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


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My rule of thumb..

If it sounds right, do it.
If it feels wrong, don't.
If you waffle or can't decide, don't.

It comes in very handy.

*hugs*

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Did she ask or indicate? They are two totally different methods for invitation.

It appears that the truth is you two have been separated for a substantial time and have both moved back into the dating world. With the recent struggles with our daughter, you have had to re-team completely on the co-parenting front. I have gone through what you described (the therapy part) and though the objective is your daughters welfare, it was also an unpressured bonding experience. There was no thoughts of relationship, etc only the common TEAM WORK associated with a common problem. So then what is a marriage or a relationship...basically a team of two people to accomplish a common goal.

I would take her up on the offer. At minimum you get to spend an extra holiday with your daughter. I agree with most of what is said above, but at some point you have to decide that all interactions don't necessarily have to be controlled by DB etiquette of darkness and LTR.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
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Thanks everyone, some very good viewpoints and suggestions.

Lostforwords, here is what she wrote in an email:

"Great. I am bringing her to XXX and YYY's dinner. If you stay in town and want to come, just let them know. "

The reason why DB'ing is on my mind is because in all this time (2yrs+) I never fully disengaged. We lived together, and now we see each other several times a week, heck we even share my cars still (switching them when DD goes from one to the other). It is true that we've moved on, but the coming together for the "Team Work" now is actually not unique.

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One of the few problems I do see with DB'ing is that we get so set in the process. Myself I worry at times will I be in the process and miss any signs of reconciliation other than my wife hitting with a board saying "I am interested again". Not that it really applies here....from the email I would say that she is passing the invitation along from the friends. So in that case I would go because it seems like you are in the right spot mentally to handle it. Nothing like spending Thanksgiving with friends if there is few other options.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"

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