feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

It's been 3 years since I've been around here and it figures I'm back. I mostly lurk but decided to get in here and try get advice from fellow lonely husbands and wives. Things were going pretty well (what I thought) but I guess not. We were working on trust and I was feeling much better about our relationship. H has been stressed at work and lately is acting like a complete jerk. He is giving me the silent treatment and back to his old antics. I get upset and call him on his behavior and he says "I'm fighting." I tell him talking about things is not a fight. He is shutting down and I'm getting more resentful by the day. I feel like I wanna shut down and WA! I know this post isn't all too revealing but wanted to keep it short. Talk to me guys...

[TrentC]

It's been 3 years since I've been around here and it figures I'm back. I mostly lurk but decided to get in here and try get advice from fellow lonely husbands and wives. Things were going pretty well (what I thought) but I guess not. We were working on trust and I was feeling much better about our relationship. H has been stressed at work and lately is acting like a complete jerk. He is giving me the silent treatment and back to his old antics. I get upset and call him on his behavior and he says "I'm fighting." I tell him talking about things is not a fight. He is shutting down and I'm getting more resentful by the day. I feel like I wanna shut down and WA! I know this post isn't all too revealing but wanted to keep it short. Talk to me guys...

Go back to the DB basics. If he's stressed or argumentative, validate without agreeing.

You can't do anything if he doesn't talk to you. If he is just stressed at work, them give him some space. He'll come to you when he wants to.

[Gnosis]

Can you tell us more...

How is he acting like a jerk?
How are you calling him on his behavior?
Why does he think you're fighting?

[luvless]

Thanks G - my H is immature and refuses to address our issues. He'd rather not talk about anything and tries to avoid if possible. I really sometimes think he is a freak. Do other H's act this way? I don't yell or push but rather come at him in a non threatening or pushy way like - I have some things that are really bothering me can we talk? He immediately says, I don't wanna fight. He's always been like this. He is acting like a jerk by giving me the silent treatment (immature and urks me) whistling around the house when he knows I am upset. His behavior (telling him I don't like how you are acting) he has been drinking too much and I have called him on that. I guess he just doesn't want to be told what to do. I should just let him self destruct. I want to give up. I've tried so hard to be patient and mature about this. I've read DB but how do you fix things when your spouse won't talk about it?

[Gnosis]

my H is immature and refuses to address our issues.

Can you give me an example. Also tell me what kind of issues.

He'd rather not talk about anything and tries to avoid if possible.

When do you approach him? i.e. As he just gets home? When he's watching the news?

I really sometimes think he is a freak.

Possibly.

Do other H's act this way?

Probably.

I don't yell or push but rather come at him in a non threatening or pushy way like - I have some things that are really bothering me can we talk?

Uh oh... the most fearful words a man can ever hear, "Can we talk"... interpreted as: "Houston, we have a problem. Major systems failure alert!!!"

He immediately says, I don't wanna fight.

See what I mean above.

He's always been like this. He is acting like a jerk by giving me the silent treatment (immature and urks me) whistling around the house when he knows I am upset.

This is called Passive-Aggressive behavior. Look it up, it will give you a bit of insight.

His behavior (telling him I don't like how you are acting) he has been drinking too much and I have called him on that.

It depends on how you call him out on it.

I guess he just doesn't want to be told what to do.

Show me a man who does.

I should just let him self destruct. I want to give up. I've tried so hard to be patient and mature about this. I've read DB but how do you fix things when your spouse won't talk about it?

I can sympathize with you. We're not the easiest beings to get along with.

I'll try to help you LL. I can only call things as I see them. Other men will chip in too. Like I was saying in the other thread... communication is the problem. Let's see if we can get you speaking Martian OK?

And you're going to have to give us more details.

[PainfulDusk]

Give him some space. Set ur boundaries and stick to them. If he's acting like a child, then let him, dont let it affect YOU tho. Get out, go to another room. NOt a lot of info on ur sitch so not sure what else to tell you. I can tell you one thing tho, act as if it doesnt bother you anymore. Pretend you dont care. If he;s whistling to irk you, then dont let it. Sounds like he doesnt want to talk. SO dont. Let him stew. Go about ur business. GAL , look at yourself and any 180's you can do. Take care of your family.

Dusk

[luvless]

you guys are great - ok so "can we talk" may not be the best way to approach him but then what? I know he is definately passive aggressive. I am willing to learn Martian! I am listening boys. Here is a little more detail - There are trust issues. No proven PA but crossing the line with EA at work twice since we've been married. He has been working on that the last few years. I thought we were making progress but I guess not. This is not about trust right now I think its just about control. He doesn't want me to tell him anything he is doing wrong. He wants me to be quiet and let him do whatever. How can I do that?...only a wife who didn't care about her H would sit back and let him self destruct. So...I call him out on his drinking, bad decisions/spending/irresponsibility/yelling at kids etc. He is really stuck on focusing on the negative right now (guess it validates his feelings) but our marriage is good when he is acting like a mature man and not a stubborn child. He says he is stressed and doesn't want to fight yet he will not say lets make things better or offer his own suggestions of how it can be better? I never cry and I broke down last week - he was just irritated - I know that's DB 101 but that is in my resentment box forever. Thank you so much for listening.

[Gnosis]

OK, first tip... start using paragraphs and line spacing. Make it easier to read. Go back to my post and answer those questions while I try figure out what you've got so far.

[Ready2Change]

... and he says "I'm fighting." I tell him talking about things is not a fight.

"When you do not talk to me, I feel lonely. I want to know what is bothering you"

or

"I am sorry you feel like I want to fight. I want to talk"

He is shutting down and I'm getting more resentful by the day. I feel like I wanna shut down and WA!

That might work. IE stop pursuing and GAL, 180, no R talk, be mysterious, happy......

[Ready2Change]

Give him some space. Set ur boundaries and stick to them. If he's acting like a child, then let him, dont let it affect YOU tho. Get out, go to another room. NOt a lot of info on ur sitch so not sure what else to tell you. I can tell you one thing tho, act as if it doesnt bother you anymore. Pretend you dont care. If he;s whistling to irk you, then dont let it. Sounds like he doesnt want to talk. SO dont. Let him stew. Go about ur business. GAL , look at yourself and any 180's you can do. Take care of your family.

Very sound advise.