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#1880412 11/24/09 11:35 AM
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For those of you that remember me, hello! For those of you that don't, I will give you a very brief background.

I left our home 4 years ago this Christmas. I left after a year of trying to win back my W. I continued while we were separated for another year or so. I don't know if it was MLC, WAW, or a combination of both. It's not really important now. She did have an emotional affair and concealed it from me for at least a year before I discovered it. It was emotional because her OM was in prison for 2 ND degree murder. He killed a man in a heated argument. He was a fiancee of hers from her mid 20's. I am now 48, she is 47. She was expecting him to be paroled, but he has been denied twice since then. His next parole hearing is next May. Our D was final last year. I don't know for sure, but I have the suspicion she is no longer visiting, writing, or speaking to him over the phone. I can tell this through her behavior and demeanor. I'm not sure what changed between them, but I'm sure she has lost interest.

For about the last 3 to 4 months, she has been hinting about reconciliation. She's invited me to Dinner several times, to watch movies at her place, to her Family events (which is really a awkward), and has choose to be with me and my Son when I have him. This is a huge departure from her normal behavior. She always took advantage of her free time to go out with her younger friends. She calls out of the blue to hang out with us. She has even requested to spend the night at my Apartment on several occasions which I obliged. There has been no sexual contact between us. I believe that's because of my preference more so than hers. She has given me more than just subtle hints that she would be receptive If I initiated it. I enjoy her company, but I do not lead her on in a manner that would suggest a romantic interest.

The problem is no longer her behavior, but the person I have grown into over the past 4 years of being alone. I never thought it would happen, but I do not find her emotionally or physically attractive any longer. I can't bring myself to open up to her other than on a casual friendship basis. My interest has drifted away from her. I do wish her happiness in whatever she dose, but I've moved on. I am not the same person she left. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know her roll is very limited in it.

I think I felt a need to say this because I know there are people on here looking for hope. I want you to know, you most definitely have a chance in the long run, but the hard work is you staying faithful and true, not your Ex. I could not do this, but I know some of you can. I hope I could give you some encouragement if this is your goal.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain
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Thanks for the update! Although I am of little faith that the future holds anything for my Xw and I even on a friendship level, I still look around the boards from time to time for stories of 'hope' like this to keep what little sliver of hope I have on life support.

Originally Posted By: Astimegoeson
I am not the same person she left.


Nor is she the same person who left you. On the same token, she is now the LBS and you the WAS. And what does almost every WAS say about how they feel? "Numb" hence your no longer finding her emotionaly and physically attractive?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Originally Posted By: dday101798


Originally Posted By: Astimegoeson
I am not the same person she left.


Nor is she the same person who left you. On the same token, she is now the LBS and you the WAS. And what does almost every WAS say about how they feel? "Numb" hence your no longer finding her emotionaly and physically attractive?


Good point! We have been apart for so long, that didn't even occur to me. It's a possibility I suppose.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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Maybe her OM now has a boyfriend in prison.

Originally Posted By: Astimegoeson
The problem is no longer her behavior, but the person I have grown into over the past 4 years of being alone.

Is this a problem? I think you are just indifferent and have moved on. There may be a bit of hidden common sense telling you to not risk her hurting you again.

Originally Posted By: Astimegoeson
I never thought it would happen, but I do not find her emotionally or physically attractive any longer.

I am of the same feelings as you about my XW. I am happy that we can coparent with little conflict.

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I think that that is the blessing and the curse around here. When they are ready to come back, who knows if we will still be interested?

Neither of you are the same people, and maybe you are keeping her at arms length because she hurt you, and could again, maybe you really just arent interested anymore!

Really, if the "danger" here is becoming a stronger, healthier person, who has healed to the point where you just happen to no longer be interested in restoring a relationship that has gone through the things that some of ours have, is that really so bad?


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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Originally Posted By: bluerain

Really, if the "danger" here is becoming a stronger, healthier person, who has healed to the point where you just happen to no longer be interested in restoring a relationship that has gone through the things that some of ours have, is that really so bad?



No, it's not bad. It's just puzzling because at one time we all found our ex's appealing. I know one thing, I no longer fear being alone even if it means for the rest of my life. I'm involved with so many things that make me happy and keep my interest right now. I'm comfortable in my routine as a single Man and Father. That was the biggest hurdle for me to overcome, the unknown. I didn't know what to do with myself after being committed to a Woman for so long. Complacency has a way of sneaking up on you and robbing you of new experiences and the satisfaction that comes with conquering new challenges.

Do you guys ever look around at your Married friends and think to yourself that their life seems boring? LOL

Last edited by Astimegoeson; 11/25/09 08:21 AM.

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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Your thread made me think about my own sitch, and I really dont think that if he tried to come back I could do it. One of the things that was glaringly obvious when he visited me was that I have made some incredible changes, and he still the exact same man he was when he walked out!

I look at my married friends and get jealous, but I have been told that they look at me and get jealous too!


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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Tom...buddy.. call me will ya. Look one thing I will ask you is what is your son thinking when she spends the night at your apartment? Friends, great, but make sure your kid sees it that way as well.

By the way, Marriage Counselors will work with Divorced couples as well even if it just helping them become friends. Just a thought.


Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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Hi Astimegoeson.

I remember you. You posted to me a few times, and I also remember how appreciative of it I was. I'm glad for you that you're doing as good as you describe. Keep going.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Thanks for your replies. Ian, my son is OK with our interaction and I'm pretty confident he isn't reading to much into it. He's the type that would say something if he was confused or bothered by it. I don't have to worry about this one being tight lipped. Now, my 16 yr old is a whole different story. I'll give you a call soon here. Do you expect to get up this way anytime soon? I'll wait for the weather to warm up, but I'm definitely going back down to Nashville as soon as I have two spare dimes to rub together. I had so much fun my last time down there.

Bluerain, I know what you mean about them not changing. My ex is still trying to find herself even after 4 years. I think it bothers her now and she tries in certain ways to explain it to me, but I don't offer a response. She knows it's something she has to figure out on her own. I really just hope someday she can find her way. I really don't like to see people in crisis. My older Sister is going though early menopause and sometimes she will start crying in front of me for no reason. I ask her what's wrong and she says... 'I wish I knew'. 10 minutes later, she's laughing at my jokes. That kind of reminds me of my ex's state of mind. She knows something isn't right in her life, but she doesn't know what it is.

Antlers, I remember you to. Thanks for stopping by.


"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain

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