Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

SallyM!!! So nice to see you! I hope that you and your H are doing well.

The "I'm done" email actually would be the first time *ever* I would be taking matters into my own hands and not waiting to see if he'll pick me. Usually I stay quiet (like I am now) and then he comes back of his own accord.

Our lives are so separate now; I mean I've lived in my rental for two years now, we don't have any joint financial things (aside from the house), the kids are grown.... I mean, about the only thing I haven't given myself "permission" to move forward on is really getting back into the dating scene. And even though I know he has gone out on dates in the past (and who knows, maybe even in the present) I don't feel it is right for me actually start actively dating without giving him notice that I intend to do so....is that weird?

Do I owe my H a heads-up that I intend to start dating? Maybe it doesn't have to be a f-you'ish email....maybe something more along the lines of "I'm tired of waiting, I'm turning my attention away from you and intend to start dating and moving forward with my life. At some point, we'll need to decide how to proceed from here."

If I refer back to BBJ's rock the boat thread, there's no reason for me NOT to send an "I'm done" email.

[SallyM]

Hey Trixie,

we are doing really well, thanks.

I guess what I'd wonder is what will it do for you if you do let him know? What do you see when you picture it in your head? Do you need/want/expect a particular response from him, or is it really something that you feel will help you move on?

Am wondering...what will you feel if he says don't? Will that change things for you?

As to whether or not you owe it to him to tell him...hmmmm...I guess I'm not exactly sure how things stand with you guys now. If that was something you agreed to do, then go for it. But if you are in the same limbo where he is doing his thing/you are doing your thing, then I'd say you don't owe it to him.

But again, its what feels right to you.

good luck! will be pulling for you. you deserve peace, love, and happiness.

[Trixi]

The reason I would want to let him know is that back in July we had discussed not seeing each other for 3 or 4 months so that he could have space to 'figure things out' and at the time, my IC had basically had us agree that during that time apart, we weren't to be fooling around with other people. Of course, we only didn't see each other for a couple/few weeks and the same cycle started up again. But I guess that is why I think that he is "owed" the heads up. I'm guessing that he does not share that opinion, but that is neither here nor there.

If he told me not to date, I would be shocked. He has more than once said that "maybe he needs to know what it feels like to not have me".

....

Oh, I guess it doesn't matter. As much as it makes me sad, I think it would be better to just kill it once and for all. He said that if we got back together he was "afraid he might turn away from the marriage again down the road." That sounds like code for just not being a man of integrity. Since he can't take personal responsibility for his own actions and choices, and since he won't seek counseling, I just see a whole lot of heartache in the future.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I've spent the past 2 years feeling like I was *almost* there; like we were 'this-close' to reconciling if only __fill-in-the-blank__. It's cruel, really, what he's done. Waving the carrot, taking it away, waving it, taking it away.

[Trixi]

Yesterday I decided that I couldn't wait around anymore. I called him, no answer. He texted me much later and I missed it. I texted back, no response. Finally, just after 10pm he called.
He sounded warm. Asked what was up. I said that I had called to let him know that I give up. I quit. He was quiet and said "I don't blame you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry." I said I was sorry too. He asked how I was doing with my weight loss protocol "good job! keep it up. Is it getting easier?" Asked how my deals were coming. Asked if I had talked to my daughter and how she was. We talked about my SS. Asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I never asked about his life. After he stopped asking questions, we sat there in silence. Finally he said "You're sure quiet" and I said "yeah. Just sad."
Then he said "so, what exactly did you mean when you said you give up?" and I said "That you have your freedom. I am give up. I quit. I'm done. I need to move forward. I'm tired of waiting. I think we should get the ball rolling." Then he asked me if I still needed the money to buy the house from my landlord. (yes) He said he would call me after Thanksgiving.

We hung up and I cried til I couldn't hardly breathe. The ugly cry.

I know that this needed to be done and that I wasn't actually getting much from the "relationship", but somehow I never really thought it would come to this. I'm sure you can all relate. Now I just wish my 'anger muscle' would kick in and propel me forward.

[Trixi]

*sigh*
Even though I still love my H, I told him I quit. And even though, I don't REALLY want a divorce, I wanted to find a way to move out of limbo since he wouldn't do it.

So, last week I called to say I wanted to pick up some Christmas decorations from his/our house and also get the $ he promised me so I could buy the rental I am in. And I also asked what our next steps should be. Which he made me clarify. "What do you mean"next steps"?" "uh...I mean, towards filing" him "oh...well, yeah, I guess it would be best to get that over with." :|

Go to house Sunday (looking mighty fine and 22 pounds skinnier). He was VERY glad to see me. So smiley. Attentive. I went and picked out what I wanted to take. There were lots of other boxes with decorations and I said "I really am not prepared to go thru all the stuff" and he said "No problem. just leave it here."

I asked for my $, which led to a discussion on dividing up assets. He volunteered to up my spousal support; and we touched a little bit on the value of stuff, but didn't come to any conclusions.

He gave me two VERY long hugs and a few kisses. Not deep, but not ones you would ever give your mother, either.
He had cleaned up the den/library, re-arranged some things AND our wedding collage poster was still up. Interesting.

He came over Monday night to swap out some jack stands on the trailer and brought dinner food. Again, happy to see me. Watching me intently. Doing 'stare downs' with me. After dinner we're on separate couches talking and then he takes my hand and invites me to sit with him on loveseat. We talked about how weird our situation is since it is obvious that we still love each other. He said that I'm just so cute and I seem to have this "power" over him and that when he looks in my eyes it's a connection that is unexplainable. (I said it was totally explainable- it's called love and it's what God talks about in the bible where the two become one.)

I asked point blank "Do you *want* a divorce?" and he said "I don't know. I feel like I am stuck between two worlds. I don't know why I can't just be happy and content." I said "Did you ever consider that it's not marriage or me that 'makes' you unhappy? What if you give up someone that loves you and that you love and it turns out you are STILL unhappy? What then?" And he said "I think about that all the time."

He was talking about how he knows he still loves me and I said "do you ever tell anyone else?" and he said "well, yeah. I say 'I love her'" [but the tone was like more disconnected like 'I love them because we have a long history'] I said "I mean does anyone know that you *love* me?" and he said "Well, I think my mom knows" Me "Why do you say that?" Him "Because she said 'I think you still love her'" LOL- yeah, sounds like she knows then.

Anyway, I wish I could say that I totally resisted him, but we did have a little make-out session. He did try to go for the gold, but I said nope. Something would have to change for that to happen.

So, I guess I'll give it a few days (or maybe til after Christmas because the kids and he are coming over to my house to have Christmas dinner) and then I will start to move things forward again.

I know that I'm not supposed to press for a divorce if I don't want one, but financially, it would be better for me.

[Trixi]

Still stuck in the limbo.
We spent lots of time together before Christmas (shopping for the kids' Christmas presents); saw Avalon; did Christmas dinner together; went to dinner and movie the next day; spent all of this past Monday together with my stepson while he saw the MS specialist and then we drove him back to where he lives 2.5 hours away....from the 9th until the 28th, I was pretty good about resisting my H. ...but after the long drive and so much time together...well, apparently we teased each other just a little bit too much.

Anyway.

Yesterday morning we talked a bit. He said that his brain was scrambled. That on the one hand he is scared to lose me and not have me in his life- that he thinks about us getting back together all the time; but on the other hand, he is afraid that if we get back together that it won't last. (Which really could be said of anything, I think.) Right now, the fear of losing me is stronger.

He sort of acted like it's 'bad' that we can't just easily go our separate ways... For me, I think it should hurt. That is what marriage is-- weaving your lives together- ripping it apart shouldn't be 'easy'.

Digging deeper on his "I'm afraid it won't last", it really is "Is it worth the effort to make it work?".

In the trailer for "It's Complicated" Alec Baldwin's character says "I've never really known how to live without you" and frankly, that is totally something I can picture my H saying.

We are going to celebrate New Years together and we're supposed to talk further then. I don't know how to bridge this gap. I am also on the fence somewhat. Oddly, it is not the emotional work that seems daunting- it's the physical act of paring down my 'stuff' and moving back; and putting my 'mark' on the other house. Which in the big scheme of things is really nothing--but for some reason, seems overwhelming to me.

I understand his ambivalence--- I suffer from it, too. But when faced with actually going down that road towards D, I do NOT want it. Maybe I should stop looking at how high the mountain is, and start looking for the trail head....

[ClingingToHope]

I know it's hard, but I'm jealous. At least he obviously has feelings for you. I see nothing in my W but cold-eyed determination.

[Trixi]

Hey CTH-
It's funny how the grass can look greener on the otherside-- I mean, I suppose I wouldn't want my H to be totally cold towards me, but otoh, it makes it awfully hard for me to give up.
Last night he came over to celebrate new years--we were also supposed to talk further about his scrambled brain. We never talked.
As he was leaving I said "hey we were supposed to talk.." and he cut me short and said "yeah, I know. We'll talk over the weekend."

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know where that's going to go. I mean, if he was inclined towards talking about reconciling, doing so on NYE would have almost seemed appropriate. Putting it off til the weekend smells like "I didn't want to ruin our celebration." Nothing was said either way, but I could feel that he had backed away some.

He acknowledged the other morning during the scrambled brain talk that probably we would have to not talk for a long time so that we could move on (if that is what we were going to do.) I know that we haven't officially made a final final decision, but still, it just seems like we would have talked last night if we were headed in a positive direction.

I guess I don't need to worry about packing. :'(

[Onthemountaintop]

Hi,

I'm the one that sounds like your husband, stuck in limbo land. What's the difference? We've been going through our stuff for four months after trying counselling last February.

But years? I really don't want to leave a good thing - but I don't feel I'm matched well to my wife, either.

Do I need months to decide - ya. There's a lot of initial emotion and impassess. It took until two weeks ago for my wife to say that she does actually love me. Before that, she said she hadn't loved me for the last 4 years - not a picture that encourages fixing a marriage!

I know my wife is going though terrible stress making me feel absolutely awful because I still love her, I just don't know if I want to be married to her. But you shouldn't need to wait endlessly - someone's 180 might mean changing, or finishing off some paperwork.

Good luck.

[ClingingToHope]

You know Trixi it occurs to me you've allowed him to take control again. When you said you were done (dropped the rope), it seems as if he picked it up.

Now you are waiting on him again. That's happened to another person I've been following -- C-Bart.

I'm about two months away from having the money for a retainer and trying to prepare myself mentally to be the one to get things going.

Deep down, right now, I still want to wake her up. But looking at C-Bart and you, it seems as if the WAS really is interested in control. Perhaps they feel they didn't have enough of it, I don't know.

Perhaps you need to get back in control here.