Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

If I wait for H to "decide", it could take forever.

I composed an email and couldn't hit send. Why!?! we haven't talked for over a week. The relationship isn't a relationship; it's all in my head.

Here's the email- Subject line "freedom"
Body- Freedom for both of us. I've decided I am done. Let's get things moving.

Is that too curt? AND WHY DO I CARE?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Trixi.

Yeah that's pretty curt.

Question for you. What in your heart or head is stopping you from hitting send?

[Trixi]

Hope.
Hope that he will re-engage.
Hope that he will grow up.

And ego, I think. I didn't want this, why should *I* be the one to "call it"?

But my head knows there is no hope. He's been disconnected for awhile. I'm just a FWB when I look at it from the outside.

[Kimmie Lee]

I know it's tough, Trixie.

Read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1876995#Post1876995

Repeat as needed.

[JCJ]

Because it is a really hard thing to do. I thought I was ready, then I realised that I wasn't and there was no rush so I waited. Realised that I was never going to 'ready' but I was a little bit stonger at that point and did it. Take the pressure off yourself, it will help.

(((Trixi)))

[Trixi]

it was a bolt of lightening one day that I realised that my WAH and I shared a common theme - that we had both spent the past two years (!!) acting in his best interests.

JCJ, I saw this over on BBJ's thread about 'rocking the boat'. I TOTALLY "get" what you're saying. That is *exactly* how I feel.

I have been trying to compose a less curt version of the "I'm done" email, but it keeps turning into a venting session. I could sit on my hands and wait, but I have waited for two years. Auditioned, if you will, for the role of wife. Ridiculous. After all this time, it should be HIM trying to prove to ME that he can be a man of integrity.

It would probably be to my benefit to just have us file a separation agreement so I can continue to get medical coverage, but at this point, I want to move forward with my life. *He* might be able to say that we're not married despite the piece of paper, but I can't. And if I ever hope to meet a real man of integrity that respects the institution of marriage, then I need to be divorced or at least well on that road where I am just waiting for the calendar to catch up with the filing. I never thought I would say this, but now I am glad it's just a 90 day waiting period.

Recently, I did a blood test thing where I had to use a special thing to nick my finger. All I had to do was push down on it and it had a spring loaded thing that would just quickly nick my finger. Easy peasy. Except it took me like 10 minutes to do it! This is how I feel about pushing 'send'. I know it's the "right" thing to do, but I chicken out.

<cluck><cluck>

BBJ- if you happen to read this--I know you believe in God and marriage-- how did you wrap your head around the idea of actually moving forward?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Everyone has their point where they are done.

That point isn't really up to anyone to determine except the person standing in those shoes.

DBing 101 - if something isn't working...change something, monitor results.

I dare say you sending that email...or one similar in scope but maybe not as curt, and F you-ish. : ) would be changing something. Could you send an email similar but allow for him to either do or be done?

[JCJ]

(((Trixi))) Reading your thread I hear me

You are done when you are done, and once you are it is ok to take some time to absorb that decision. I made that decision and felt I had to act straight away and got some excellent advice here and I waited and absorbed my feelings and thoughts - actually it took me a month in the end but in the grand scheme of this whole thing that is nothing. You don't have to write it now while you are still in the angst of the decision making process. Take a deep breath and centre yourself and process your thoughts and feelings.

You have done and are doing amazingly!

[BobbiJo]

BBJ- if you happen to read this--I know you believe in God and marriage-- how did you wrap your head around the idea of actually moving forward?

Good question. It took a long, long time. Two years, in fact. A few things helped.

*This board, of course.

*A few, pivotal conversations with my Pastor in his office: He helped me to see that God does permit divorce in the cases of abandonment or infidelity. And my husband had basicallly done both. He moved out and was carrying on an affair.

He went further than a lot of Pastors would. He didn't tell me to file, he in fact said he would pray that things could ultimately be restored. But he said I had every reason to file. And he even told me that he would recommend that I not be alone with H ever again, he was worried that his warped views on women/sex could wind up being a danger to me!

3) Reading the books "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage". Also listening to the radio show "New Life Live", hosted sometimes by the authors of the books I referenced. I called the show twice: the second time these Christian men told me that my husband was most likely a sex addict. That he was using the ow for sex and still getting all of the other marital benefits from me. And they in fact said, specifically, that FILING MAY BE THE ONLY CHANCE TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE in the long run.

4) Getting shot down by my H again. After I filed Aug 31, he did another turnaround. Admitted he had still been seeing ow sporadically (she lives 2 hrs away now that we moved). Told me he would end it with her in an email and copy me in so I could trust him. Said he would book a weekend retreat in Florida, three days 1-1 with a whole team of counselors. Then he sent me the email, and in it he dumped me AND the ow. I just couldn't deal with the mind games anymore.

I know that God has a plan for me, and I need to trust him. I also know I did the very best I could at the time, even though I made mistakes along the way. I know my heart was always committed to saving my marriage. And I know that I am free to divorce and free to remarry under the laws of the Bible, not just the laws of the state. That was very important to me.

Let me know if I said too much, or if you have any more questions!

[SallyM]

Hey Trixie,

I'm sorry to see you are still dealing with all of this. Am wondering, though, are you considering writing the I'm done email because you truly are done and want to move on, or if you are simply hoping to re-start your and your h's pattern...when you start to detach, he comes back/tries to keep you where you were.

what do you think?

I know my h and I had that pattern and it was really tough to break.

I also know that before things turned around for us, I finally realized that I may not be done on his timetable, and that that was okay. What I made sure was that it didn't stop me from moving forward, from creating my own life. Didn't mean I had to file, I was adament that it was his thing to do, until I was ready in my own heart to. But it also meant that I was done with the back and forth/up and down pattern. It was so freeing, and I hope regardless of what you decide about the email, that you find yourself there.

(((HUGS)))

hope you are well, my friend. I know you've had a tough road.