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#1854783 10/13/09 12:00 PM
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I have a post called times of desperation.... It tells the story of my personal heartbreak at the hands of my spouse. But now it has been weeks since we have been under different roofs and he is still chumming around with OW and still claiming they are just friends. And I am loosing sight of what I am really trying to hold on to. I am starting to think that maybe we are just not met to be and maybe it is time to move on to the next chapter of my life. I feel the freedom and joy of being on my own once again with my children and I think now more then ever that this is a god send. I finally have the freedom to be me. I am happier and freer then I have been in a long time. I no longer feel obligated to answer to another. He was controlling not to the abusive sense but in the sense of it is my way or the highway. And now I have the chance to crave my own highway once again. I really think it is the joy of becoming the individual once again. I got lost in my husband and his point of view and pleasing him for so long that now I am gorging myself on this new found freedom.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
Joined: Sep 2009
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I guess my question to my fellow DBers is how do I hold on to something I am not totally sure I want back..... I will always love him, but the pain overrules that love and the feeling of better off is overruling everything else. I guess I have given up hope on the marriage and am on the brink of becoming a WAW..... So..........


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
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It drives me bonkers my H still has the power to make my day a bad one. Still has the power to drive me to tears and make me feel more alone then anyone else in the whole world. I can not remember what it is like to be with anyone else or see a future without him being a part of it. I have spent the last six years of my life loving him and being devoted to him. I took my vows with every once of promise my heart could hold. I have loved him and I will probably love him for the rest of my life. I just want him in my life and home so bad right now and that feeling has not gone away even an ounce since the moment he told me he wanted a separation. I am trying to be patient and wait for him to see what he is giving up. But my patients are wearing thin and I am growing inpatient. this is the exact opposite of what I have been reading in DR book. And I have tried so hard to put the tools to work, but it is hard when the emotions are so high and the hurt is so deep.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
Joined: Jun 2009
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So, go get a life.

There's a lot of benefit to doing things for you.

What has your H done this time to upset you?


M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy
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There is hope. You have a right to be happy. The thing is that your H may not "get it" until you really are ready to call it quits. That is what happened to me.

Do what you need to do but realize that to completely quit may close off a great chance to make things better and make your M the one you really want. Which is better, no M or one that has survived the storm and is stronger for it? You may want to throw the bomb. Or at least bring up that you are considering D.

I'm afraid you're heading for that point of no return when you, like many WAS shut down. I really want to believe that if your H could really understand what you are feeling he would do what he needs to save the M. It may take some kind of a shock, a rock bottom moment for him to get it. That's sad, I know, but it's often the only way when the self-involved spouses (myself included) won't figure it out on their own.

If you can't get him to a MC, then find one for yourself. Even if it leads to D, you want to be healthy.


~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
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Originally Posted By: stephanie
It drives me bonkers my H still has the power to make my day a bad one. Still has the power to drive me to tears and make me feel more alone then anyone else in the whole world.


Stephanie,

Others have no power over us that we don't GIVE them.

You sound very co-dependent (I was/am too); have you done much reading on this, or gotten individual counseling for it?

Puppy

Stronger #1855986 10/15/09 01:33 AM
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stronger,
I hate to say it but it is not what he has done sadly enough it is what he has not done. I know he is "teething" so /i have been trying to be patient but his bad attitude and the telling me I want a divorce. I am just feeling that I not only need to get a life but get on with mine I know it sounds selfish... but I have grown tired of being his doormat. H asks me things like are you deaf, what part of that is fuzzy to you.... things of that nature. Degrading things.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
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OP Offline
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
Power is something that comes with the option to give it to someone. I am taking back my life and starting fresh. This is my life and today I am going to take the steps to take it back. My first order of business is to take a deep breath and find my true happy place. To enjoy a hot cup of coffee and a good chat with an old friend. To become in essence me and be happy as an individual. How can I expect to be happy in a relationship when I am not happy in my own skin? I still ponder the marriage and what the future holds for me as a wife. But right now the objective at hand is to find myself and become a happier individual in my own skin. I have already started to write in a journal.... for me. So right now it is about me and my children and becoming whole and rebuilding us, as a united family. A whole family with or without the H.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
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OP Offline
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
It has been a long time since I have wrote on here. I hope that all are in good spirits. I know I am. I took my life back and did it splendidly I think. I have reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and let the toxic ones go. I filed papers for divorce in Oct. and it was made final April 19th. Yes I know most of you don't want to hear that, but it was my choice to do this. My ex husband had taken up residency with the OW before the divorce was even final. Talk about a blow to the gut. But I am better, healthier, and happier. I have since dealt with my issues from the fail of the marriage and started dating again. Come to find out I am not sure that I ever really loved him in the first place. I hope all of you find your true inner peace and happiness and I wish you all the luck.


t=5.5yrs m=4
kids=4 (8,9,10,&11)
I dropped the bomb 10-09
regaining myself
in house seperation 9-6-09
divorce final 4-19-10
Moved out 9-17-09

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