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Joined: Oct 2009
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Unfortunate newcomer here.....Like many others it seems I got the infamous ILYBNILY speech from the W about 4 months ago. I have made all of the mistakes that others have made (begging, pleading, arguing, rationalizing, etc...) So that has not worked and I have stumbled upon this community while looking for marriage saving advice on the net.

Some background on us we are both 30 years old, married for 4 years as of Sept. And have a 2 year old son together. Since the birth of our son things have really fallen apart. While pregnant we bought a house from her grandparents that has been a disaster and caused much stress with us, her parents, her grandparents and my side of the family as well. In addition we have both changed jobs to new fields and also both been promoted to different positions since the change. Last but not least we are also dealing with my father who took his own life about 18 months ago. Whew....!

Since this has all gone down we have both not been very "together" we have chosen to cope in different ways, my being a typical male and not very in touch with my feelings withdrew alot---especially with my fathers death. I also had a hard time adjusting to being a new dad for the first couple of months and didn't do a great job of waking up and such with the new baby(however part of that was due to us breastfeeding, so I could not really help there either).

Things have started to settle down with us getting settled into our jobs and family life is getting better--although still tough on my side. Also, we have done extensive work on the house and that is now up to our standards.

The problem is that somewhere along the line my wife checked out. It hurts to think that we went thru alot together and now when there is light at the end of the tunnel she says she is "done" and cannot give any more.

What is most confusing to me is that she does not want to take any action towards a D, although she says that if I want to be responsible for breaking up the M than I can file. After reading other stories here people would tell me that in itself is ahead of the game, but....She has no interest in any type of emotional, or physical relationship anymore I have been kicked out of the bedroom and she says that she is ok with that until the little guy grows up and than we can get a D. I am not ok with that, I would do anything to get my M back on track but do not want to live my life like a roommate for the next 20 years.

I want a family and a marriage that my W loves me and I love her and support her more than anything. It is hard to think that this might not include my W now, but I don't see her coming around any time. She is very stubborn and once she decides to do something she will pretty much do it.

This is rambling on if anyone wants some more info please ask, but I would love some advice from others that have been here or are going thru this now. I am very lost and going back and forth on what to do to "fix" this.


H: 30
W: 31
S: 2
T/M: 6/4
D Final 4-5-10

Bomb: June 09
Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 207
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M: 30
W: 31
S: 2
M/T: 4/6
Bomb: June 09

Same house, different lives kinda....
very confused


H: 30
W: 31
S: 2
T/M: 6/4
D Final 4-5-10

Bomb: June 09
Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 25
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I am new to this website as well and a few months ago my wife of four years dropped the "I'm not attracted to you, there is no more flame/spark" bomb on me and I NEVER saw it coming, although in hindsight I haven't been as happy as I've wanted to be for a while and I know W hasn't either... It sounds as though you're learning about not groveling, but I'd encourage you to have more respect for yourself and, in a LOVING way, to hold your wife accountable. If she is telling you that she needs things to change, why are you kicked out of the bedroom, for instance? I almost made the mistake of moving out of our apartment right away when my W told me she needed space. Through advice of friends and an IC, I was able to realize that if she needed a change, she needed to take action. I didn't want to move out at that point and so I told her that I would do whatever I could to help her but if she needed space, she needed to find it. The trick is that I did this in a loving manner, not accusing or coming across as angry. It's still your bedroom, right? My advice (and I'm only 27 and going through this as well) is that if you don't want to be sleeping on the couch, tell her, lovingly, that you realized that you want to be in your bedroom and would honestly love for it to be with her, but if she needs to be separate than that's her choice. By doing so you hold her accountable but also give her freedom. You can let her know that you are respecting her limits and will not make physical advances, but simply that it doesn't work for you to be forced out of your own bedroom when you have every right to be in it. This shows that you respect yourself, and you'll likely feel better when you do it.

Finally, I'd also encourage you to trust yourself in all of this. That is my biggest regret so far, that I didn't trust my intuition about things going on around me and I denied myself. For me, that is the equal of having denied the Holy Spirit (I'm using this as an analogy... I do not follow any particular Religious Doctrine) in me... sinning against myself in the process. That is what hurts the most.

Be strong, my friend, and know that you are NOT alone!

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The one mistake I made (among many) is my W moved into the guest room when she said she wanted space. After a week I felt bad and switched. It is something that I should have never done and regret it to this day. Stay in your bed, if she wants space then let her figure out how to get it.


M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3
M: 5/28/05
Bomb: 8/22/09
EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09
W L: 10/21/09
M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA
W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
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Dia Offline
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BTW, I've heard a couple of males here say that b/c their W was breastfeeding, there wasn't much they could help with in the feeding department.

Here's a suggestion:

1) Have your W pump enough so that there's always enough milk for 3-4 emergency bottles. Milk keeps in the freezer for a couple of weeks, so put a date on it and rotate your stock. If she pumps in the morning, keep that bottle in the fridge for the 2 am feeding.

2) Dad - here's your chance to be a hero twice over. You get to bond with your baby in the most intimate way possible, AND you get to let your W sleep through one of those brutal middle of the night feedings. Gaze into the baby's eyes during the feeding. It's the most loving gaze you'll ever see. A just-fed baby often has special, cooing lovey-sounds that he only makes at that particular time - you'll get to hear them.

And why should a breast-fed baby be trained to take a bottle? So that if your W is ever delayed getting home or, godforbid, too sick to nurse, injured in a car accident or some other calamity large or small, the baby can still be fed. IMHO, it's even a good idea to train a breastfed baby to take formula every so often for the exact same reason.

I realize your child may be too old for this advice now, but just cuz you males don't have the plumbing doesn't mean you can't help. wink

Last edited by Dia; 10/13/09 03:06 AM.

The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
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so I just got another surprise....she has set up a counseling appointment for us---but only b/c we have a child together not b/c there is any chance at having a real connection again. I am so confused, as I read my post above it seems like I might be on good ground as compared to some situations, however it feels like I am on worse ground in that she is not interested in any physical relationship, she does not love me at all, and does not even want to try and work on that part????

I am waffling back and forth as to what I want to do at this point, my best case would be that she and I are back together and raising our son and future family. However if that is not going to happen I would rather know now than find out later down the road.........


H: 30
W: 31
S: 2
T/M: 6/4
D Final 4-5-10

Bomb: June 09
Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 138
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Let me just say that I would love to be in your situation. I know it must stink for you, and I really do feel for you - I've been in a similar place. But I can tell you that I would trade counseling and being in the same house for this crappy separation and nasty divorce fights with rich in-laws sticking it to me.

Anyway, read DB and DR and use the techniques. You are a long way away from being in Last Resort like I am. You still have a chance to keep this from getting any worse. It's going to require a lot of hard work on your part, but you can do it.


Me: 35
W: 31
D10, S7, S2, S11 months
M: 11 years
Tricked into separation.
In Last Resort.

My story:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
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Here is my 2X4, and I think some will back me here, i.e. puppy, gucci. I don't care if you have moved out of your bed, if you do not want to be out of YOUR bed, move back! If she wants/needs the space, then she will go back to the guest bed. If you don't want to be out, then why are you? One thing that I did not give in on, and one thing that I can say that I will never have a regret over. I did not want, nor did I wish to have "the space". I was in it to win it, and even though I lost the battle, I did what I could and I will be able to live with that. JMO.
Shock.


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You are actually in a better position than you think. First off, she isn't taking steps toward separation or divorce. I realize that doesn't sound too comforting right now as you are feeling very alone in your marriage at the moment, but what her LACK of actions tells me is that she isn't commmted to leaving the marriage and is (in her heart, deep down) tryig in her own way to save it. her saying "i don't love you" is really a cry for help, imo. So, SHOW her that you can be a great husband and father. LISTEN to her when she askes for specific things that she needs. She is probably scared right now and I'm sure confused. The stress of what you guys have been through is playing itself out.

I think her wanting to go to therapy is great -- yes, she's saying it's for the kid, but I'm not buying that. I think she also wants and realizes that NATURALLY the therapy WILL turn into marriage counseling sessions. You have a BABY, not a 12 year old with "issues". Give me a break -- she's using that as a cover story.

And I agree with the above. Make her accountable. If she doesn't feel that she can sleep next to you, make her feel the consequences of that decision by having HER sleep elsewhere.

Hope this helps.

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Thanks for the advice so far, I do want to be back in the bedroom but am nervous(!!) about the fight that it will cause with the W. I think the biggest problem that I am having though is the back and forth that I seem to be having if this is even worth it. I mean in a perfect world--i know those dont seem to exist. This would be over and I would have my W and son back and move on. Every day that goes by like this though i am not sure I have it in me to fight on like this. I wonder how successful these methods end up being?? I have dreams and ideas about the rest of my life that do not include jerking around for the next couple of years with a person that I do not even know anymore....

Just venting a bit but it does feel good to get it off my chest so to speak. Please continue to give advice and comment on my situation. I really appreciate the thoughts and words so far.


H: 30
W: 31
S: 2
T/M: 6/4
D Final 4-5-10

Bomb: June 09
Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
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