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A Message from Michele
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I agree. Publish it Gypsy. Or submit it to a magazine. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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FIB,

(sigh)....God help me but I must admit something struck a chord when you said your son might be feeling her wrath more, b/c he reminds her of you...

I think, in truth, when h and I were at our worst, I did transfer some anger of mine to our son, who was then about 19...every time our son seemed selfish, I would see his father in him.

I also saw that h spent so much more time with son and zero time with our girls, that I could leave parenting of our son, to h, as the girls needed me more and only had "one" parent...but I wish I had seen more to my son's needs b/c some of them were things I was better suited for and he felt rejected by me at times. Which is fair, considering.

Later my r with son improved and regained it's previous closeness. Just b/c my behavior was understandable, it was far from being right. Plus even when son was truly being selfish, my reaction didn't have to be so big, as kids that age ARE generally selfish anyhow. Not always related to h.

To our son's credit, he brought it up to me to ask me to watch for that tendency... this was after most of the mess had happened and a recon seemed possible.

I'm lucky. All our children are close to me and call often, share their lives with me and our son dedicated an acting award he received, to me. Thankfully H is moving towards the repair of the damaged R's that he has, mainly with our d's, and I hope continues to do so. The kids do love him, but they don't always "get him"...and he's NOT acting out the way your wife is. But he had his moments of feeling like the outsider and...he was the outsider, he was the "destroyer" at the time, and the kids will know this! It's the truth at times and it'll kill your w to know, if she ever faces it, that the truth is, SHE is destroying what was once very good.

Ever want to ask her if she actually has amnesia about what happened, when and why? OR is it still all your fault? God, I'd be sorely tempted to have so many one liners tucked in my hat, waiting for the time AFTER the gavel is dropped...

I fear Your wife, will never open her mind to the possibility that she has done this damage to HER R with son. So she wont' fix it. When the issue gets raised, as if you are "turning him against her" (10-1 odds she'll say this within 90 days...)make sure to mention that you don't bad mouth her to him --which you are sure is reciprocated by her (yeah). and I"m sure I'd ask if she will ever assume any responsibility for any R's in her life or are they all related to you? frown

Maybe if my son had been angry at me at the time he raised this "transference" as a poss, I'd have reacted differently. Or maybe b/c I had a very good T, I could handle the idea of not being a perfect mom -while still aspiring to be one. All i know is I am thankful we were/are able to speak pretty freely now.

God help your son and stbxw if they never speak of this obvious possibilty and never repair the damage she's doing. (I'd call is a "strong likelihood" that she is projecting onto him, her feelings about you, fyi)...can you dye his hair HER Color?

She'll resent him even more than she does now, and she WILL resent your time with him and ANYTHING you do together that he speaks of...and your poor poor d...God help you all. I urge you to get the kids c, though I think you already are. But it is clear to me, that she is targeting him and may not even know why.

Your wife has a poison in her. I don't know what the antidote is, or the treatment for not getting a vaccination. Seems to me, the best thing to do is act like any other snake is around and avoid disturbing it....But these bites can kill, over time. I hope she's the only victim of the poison but unfortunately she seems hell bent on spewing it. I pray for a resolution soon, for all of you.

And btw, when our alarm goes off at the house and the police come b/c we screwed up and didn't set it right, or were not available by phone, we get "3 strikes" and then we're fined for accidentally and preventably wasting their precious time and resources...what happens to your w for purposely wasting their time?

Gotta go and take care of d12. I cannot wait for this to be over for you. How long NOW? This divorce is like a child birth marathon process -----but WITHOUT THE BABY AT THE END....
Hang in there and again, how long now? I used up my paper chain links and drank the "FIB"s divorce is finally done" bubbly over the holidays...let me know when I can go back to the store and get some more. SHEESH!!!
(( j ))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Nope ... I am not suprised.

Scorched earth policy. Destroy what you cannot have.

I almost expect that phone call from you needing bail money crazy

Uggg ......

Hang in there. It will get better once you have a court ordered child schedule.

Strength and Honor.


Jeff

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Frank,
sorry I missed the call.

This sucks for you, is incredibly wearing...and you surely are tempted to throw in the towel. Did you follow that story in the news about the dad who's wife took their son to her home country of Brazil for the holidays, divorced him and kept their son? He got custody awarded in the US but Brazil said "no the son belongs with his mom (no matter how she got him here)" Then she remarried and then she died in childbirth and the step dad AND GRandmothet wanted custody and got it, at first...."stability of the boy" who knew them better than he knew his dad, though contact was maintained....Think of that man taking 5 years to get his son back from a woman who essentially abducted him...(it wasn't a "custody issue" as the Brazilian Supreme court finally and correctly noted; it was an abduction case and letting the "kidnapper's" family keep the kid b/c it was more stable, though perhaps true, rewards bad behavior and would lead to totally crazy cases in the aftermath...so THAT father got his son and you will too...in some form.

Here's the real thing I want to tell you Frank. Yes you are a good man and dedicated father and that means a whole lot. I think IF you stay true to the best in you, and don't go to the dark (but understandably tempting side) of approaching this horrible situation... iow, don't blow it now...Because then your wife will continue to reveal her pathology . I am not saying be a doormat, I'm saying don't give her ANY fuel. B/C She is self destructing all on her own! No need for you to push her any more b/c she's getting there all by herself....No judge will ignore this type of behavior if it is correctly assessed. That means your L has to present it, with witnesses for instance. I cannot believe that Val thinks this crap will help her cause!! IT will help yours!! Again, if your version is accurate and the judge hears it, OMG....she's a crazy fool.

So far, I agree with your L's take on this. Your wife feels she has nothing to lose with a trial but she's wrong. You are the one with nothing to lose by fighting this..she is a fool. Maybe crazy, definitely stubborn and foolish and whatever else...

So Could your son tolerate some questioning? It's NOT cross examining like they do to adults. They are pretty sensitive as long as he doesn't get crap from Val about what to say or how he ruined things and blah blah blah...My nieces were his age and it did not seem to traumatize them nearly as much as the fighting did and to my knowledge, they liked talking to the judge. They got split 50/50 in the end...Yes, different state.

Are you concerned that your d will feel the need to compensate with your w and "Stick up for her if the boys (ie you and S9) are ganging up on mommy"? Try so hard NOT to fight in front of them and the kids will probably recall you saying things like "let's not fight in front of them" and seeing you try to walk away.

They won't know how huge that is in your favor so keep doing it and hope your w follows you to fight some more b/c in the long run that helps you IF the judge hears of it, and or if the kids report this to the judge...in a horrible way Frank, some of this is actually good news... I'm sad if it portends the future but it may do the opposite. IF she gets slapped hard for this then even if she doesn't lose custody, she may learn SOMETHING...

SIGH SIGH SIGH...your message so upset me Frank...BUT Keep me posted but good grief.
I didn't hear your part about the timing of this process though. What is next now?
(((( HUGS ))))
J-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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Thanks 25....what is next?:
-I have to review my deposition and send it in with the supporting requested documents
-L asked me to write a letter documenting how STBXW is hurting the kids and send it to her and also to send to the FC

I am tired...exhausted of this, along with the financial stress.

I agree with you 25. Assuming that the State of NY sides with the mom and, that I have no control on STBXW dragging this to court, then, I have nothing to lose by fighting as hard as I can. As one of my male guru's says, it is my 'obligation' as a father to make sure my kids are safe.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
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Another horrible outburst this past Sunday.

D6 had a sore throat last week. STBXW scheduled a doc appt on my day Wed. and asked me to take her. On departing after the exam, I texted her and gave her all the details. STBXW responded...said she was picking up soup and going to stay home with her. She even picked up the meds after I dropped the Rx's off. The text told her that she had a follow up appt. Sat AM on my day.

Sunday AM, in the morning, I told her that her exam was fine, they took a specimen, etc. She went nuts:
  • accused me of not tellng her she had a f/u appt
  • shouted that NO doctor wants to see them THAT quickly after starting antibiotics (it was for a wheeze..also texted to her)
  • she called me a liar in front of the kids multiple times
  • she also yelled in front of them to 'get the house up for sale by the end of the month'


Simply journalling. I printed up the texts from my phone, typed up the whole episode and sent it to my L. Something's wrong here.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,585
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Hi FIB..

Sounds like her trigger is your voice... perhaps even presence.

Ouch. Text and email are beautiful things.

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Oh yeah Gypsy.anything is worth a fight to her especially if she can do it in front of the kids. FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
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I wonder, given all these outbursts in front of the kids, if you couldn't get a special temporary ruling from the courts to get full custody of the kids and get the heck out of there until the lawsuit is finalized.....this is abusive to both you and the children.

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Donna.....I have documented and forwarded everything to my L. If it weren't so funny I would label MYSELF as the verbally and emotionally abused spouse. It's rough...even for me, mostly because it is always in front of the children. Always. I truly wish it were over.

There is NO way I would ever want this woman back in my life. I will miss my home. I will miss the time with my kids. I will miss the financial stability. I won't miss her, her behavior and how she has treated ALL of us. It makes me sick to my stomach...almost embarrassed that I married her. The bad times are quickly beginning to equal the amount of good time.

FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
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