But I believe that marriages are worth fighting for - even when it seems pointless.
This can't be emphasized enough. Your M is worth all of your time, patience and fighting for. You built a life and family together. You have kids together. It is worth it to fight for it.
I think it SHOWS your kids (and they WILL know someday, if they're young right now) your character, and how you SHOULD stand and fight for the things you believe in! It's a great opportunity to model for them something you will want them to carry into their adult lives.
I also have been in the same situation, where my H had an A. I have totally relied on this site for help. My situation turned around pretty quickly by listening to Puppy and Sandi2. they are wonderful resources to keep the situation real and to help you help yourself. I am 2 weeks into having my H back and he is bending over backwards to make what he did wrong, right. I am very fortunate although I have zero trust and am having serious sex issues given that all I think about is my H with another woman doing to her the things I enjoyed with him. Anyways, keep the faith and really give it up to God and trust a lot of what you hear here by people who have been through the same thing. I believe God heals and I hope time heals too. Stay the course. also, have you tried the phone coaching. It works wonders. The coaches are so good at offering tools and so very caring and loving. Try it.
Please tell us your whole story. And everyone's right here. when our h's or w's are in the "love phase" of the affair, it LITERALLY changes their brain chemistry (good book: Love Detours or After the Affair). Very much like a drug addict after they take their first hit. This isn't mere metaphore, it's actual FACT and biological. So you CANNOT get too hung up on their actions and words right now. I learned this and it took a verylong time NOT to take the things he said about ow as TRUTH.
Just an fyi. After the affair was exposed (I didn't go snooping for several months because I couldn't BEAR to know who she was), when I finally found out (wow, h, seven year olds can talk!! lol), I confronted h (they worked together, of course), and within(and I'm not kidding), within TWO WEEKS the whole thing was over. That is not so say that will happen to you but exposing the thing is not good for affairs as they thrive in secrecy. It is a relatioship not based in reality.
Just hang in there. The best thing you cando right now is focus on YOU. I know you have read this before on here, but it is true. GAL, NOT for your spouse -- but for you. You will find yourself focusing less on the sitch and more on positive things. Think of this time as a breather for YOU. An affair has NOTHING to do with the ow/om. It has EVERYTHING to do with the marriage. It has everything to do with how your spouse feels about himself/herself. It's an escape. Rather than deal with issues in the marriage, an affair offers a respite or "break" from the problems -- very much like an addict on drugs or alcohol.
I am going through much of the same emotions you are at this time. Keep as busy as you can even if it means cleaning closets or the garage. I have good days and bad but know you are not alone. It really is like someone abducted the husband you knew. The OW can be so intoxicating but much of it is the thrill of newness and secrecy. I cant get my head yet around how long it might take for H to come to his senses so I know when youread posts about "years" it is like a knife but I am coming to realize patience is truly what it is about. You must try to follow the advice here--it does help.
Are you and your husband back together? I am working on myself but seem to be in quick sand. Every time something positive happens I am brought right back down. I have done the 180 and am ass sweet as pie to H. he gets more distant the nicer I am. I just hope I am remembering the marriage as it really was. he seems to think it was a disaster. I hated kissing my husband but now I long for his lips. What are you doing to help yourself? Die is just a nickname. I am not at that point and the name means nothing.
Die is just a nick name. It does not mean anything. Thanks for the advice. I hope you respond to me again, i like hearing the success story. Give me advise on the positive things you did. The nicer I am and the more independent I become the angrier my H gets. I am totaly involved with my kids and having my H only visit them doesn't give me much time for myself. Things are going to change in the future where he will be taking them(a day I can not stand to think of) and I will have time to myself. Please find me and offer me some advice. things that you did to get your W to notice. My h and the OW are in love and planning a future. How do you compete with that? Please help!
If you are trying to compete with that, you are going to disapoint yourself. Remember, your H is in a fog right now. He is in fantasy land. You need to quit worrying about him and OW and focus on making your life the best it can be. He will start to notice changes once you start fixing your own life and making it great. He will also start to notice as things start falling out of fantasy land for him with OW if you have done the work on your own life.
Don't think about what would make him happy to see. Think about what would make you happy and able to enjoy YOUR life. And also, give this time. Be patient. It is a long roller coaster ride for most on here. And I don't mean a couple of months. For most it is a couple of years. Don't expect the over night fix. Pray for it, but set your expectations for a long ride.
Take care of YOU. Don't do something and then stop and think about what your H might think. Just do it and enjoy the moment whether it be with your kids, or some friends, or just you by yourself doing something you enjoy doing.
It will be hard at first. But it will become more natural if you are consistent every day.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...