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"We are talking about peoples feelings and when someone feels neglected enough by not getting their own specific needs from their relationship with someone, they then would become to feel abused as a result of that constant neglect. "

This is where we differ, it all comes down to intent if our spouse feels abused because we neglected to do something and it was an honest mistake it is not abuse no matter how many times it happens, I have done this many times (lord knows Iím not perfect) at my job, with my kids, friends, family & have it happen to me as well with what you are saying you are telling me I am abused & is abusive

With that being said you have abused & have been abused by your ex & they have done that to you as well. So everyone here has been or is abused and abusive at some point in their lives

Which means in your next relationship you will be abusive and abusedÖ.
My point is when do we stop and say maybe this isnít abuse maybe just neglect, (I canít believe every single WAS spouse married an abuser, some have, but most was just a miss reading the intent of the so called abuser) maybe our spouse had something else on their mind & that thier whole world doesnít revolve around me, otherwise abuse will be found every where


WAW 32
ME 38
D11, S9 & D2
Together 10/96
Married 4/2000
Bomb 4/2006
PA1 9/2006
PA2 11/2006
I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!

After a year, love is a choice not a feeling!
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Just itchin' to get your point across aren't ya.

If you neglect a child it's abuse. Sure we've all been abused in varying degrees, but many of our WASs did tell us and we didn't listen. Of course we didn't do it on purpose, but let's put it this way, if they slapped us and said "look we have a problem here" the LBS would look stunned and think that it's "their" problem.

We all had to go through this process which led to deep introspection and research to figure out what was wrong. Be honest with yourself, you wouldn't have figured all this out if your spouse didn't walk.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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"We all had to go through this process which led to deep introspection and research to figure out what was wrong. Be honest with yourself, you wouldn't have figured all this out if your spouse didn't walk."

TRUE

but my point is this
she & I have misread the intent of each other our whole lives
and if my WAW smacked me like you stated she & I would have acted the way you stated

But now if her intent was to wake me up I'm now in a place to see that as that and not to go call 911 to say I'm being physically abused

which is my point. we all have done (LBS & WAS) something that was mis read as one thing when it was completely something else & most likey really had nothing to do with us in the first place.

if we don't see these things, (WAS & LBS) we a dommed to repeat the same failure in out next relationships

Which is the whole point to this Post to see what WAS realized this and if they could admit it or which one hadn't & why?


WAW 32
ME 38
D11, S9 & D2
Together 10/96
Married 4/2000
Bomb 4/2006
PA1 9/2006
PA2 11/2006
I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!

After a year, love is a choice not a feeling!
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Hey Alex,

I understand the point you're trying to make and it is a valid one, striking at the heart of communication problems. If we all could have found a way to effectively communicate, A's wouldn't have happened, spouses would have felt loved, issues would have been dealt with, and we wouldn't even know this site existed.

But that isn't the case. We all had lessons to learn, as do our WAWs. However, every sitch is different and people are different. You may read one person's experience here and find something that speaks to you, but it's highly unlikely that it can be applied whole-cloth to your own sitch. And you really can't mandate that all people feel and react in the same way. If something speaks to you, great. But shouldn't you leave yourself open to the possibility that things aren't necessarily the way you decided they should be?

People are who they are. In the case of my XW, that means a person who couldn't remain faithful, who couldn't tell me what she wanted, who couldn't tell me how unhappy she was, and ultimately someone who probably doesn't have the skills (right now) to make a long term relationship work. As much as I love her, I can't change that. She has to change that. So I've had to let go, admitting to myself that as much as I tried to convince myself it should be great, it never will be because she isn't who I made her out to be.

Does that make her a bad person? No. It simply makes her who she is.

So I understand why you feel the need to belabor your point, but I hope you can also see why it doesn't do any good to cling to one particular view of reality. In your next relationship, whether in a restored marriage or with someone new, everything is going to be different anyway.

lodo

ps - i posted this before you replied. i think your reply makes sense, but your posts seem more accusatory than questioning. i think that's what everyone has responded to

Last edited by lodo; 10/08/09 07:00 PM.

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Lodo

this is good

People are who they are. In the case of my XW, that means a person who couldn't remain faithful, who couldn't tell me what she wanted,

Until you know yourself how can you tell someone else, & how could you expect someone else to know you

who couldn't tell me how unhappy she was,

Once she does the soul searching she will realize the unhappiness was within herself, & no man could make her happy & that it was unfair to ask you to

and ultimately someone who probably doesn't have the skills (right now) to make a long term relationship work.

Because we were never taught that as children look @ our parentís relationship itís probably just as bad as ours


As much as I love her, I can't change that. She has to change that. So I've had to let go, admitting to myself that as much as I tried to convince myself it should be great, it never will be because she isn't who I made her out to be

And the reason she left is because you werenít who she made you out to be, but (in her mind) the OM is like you were at some point

So I understand why you feel the need to belabor your point, but I hope you can also see why it doesn't do any good to cling to one particular view of reality.
There is no reality itís what you see & how that make you feel & what I see & how that make me feel my truth & your truth


If itís abuse itís abuse, because that is how I see it, but what if it is just neglect?

In your next relationship, whether in a restored marriage or with someone new, everything is going to be different anyway.

Yes it will be because I will not try to save another person or get serious with some who has not worked on or through their own issues




WAW 32
ME 38
D11, S9 & D2
Together 10/96
Married 4/2000
Bomb 4/2006
PA1 9/2006
PA2 11/2006
I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!

After a year, love is a choice not a feeling!
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As a female, I don't really like to be referred to as "having balls", but as for having the courage to face you, I think it would take little. I am just finding this thread of yours and I would gladly answer you questions if I had actually left my M. But, I was really an almost WAW, so I suppose that disqualifies me. However, I can readily see your hatred for all WAW's and the plain fact of the matter is that you want to fight. Don't make the mistake of judging all women by your W and/or their reason for leaving their M. You are a young, immature man who has much to learn. But, far be it from me to try to teach anyone who already thinks he knows all the answers.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Bravo, Sandi. I agree.

This vitriol is not what I occasionally visit this site for. I visit to learn.

Interesting that there have been no more such posts since you commented over two weeks ago.


Gardener

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With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Originally Posted By: alexjadams
[i][b]Now that you have walked away, have the reasons for walking away been justified?

Those reasons were justified by my husband himself. When I left, he got extremely busy addressing the things I told him as I was walking away. He took seriously what I said in the year of 'the bomb' and improved his listening/communication skills in such a way that we could connect and work things out.

Quote:
And what were the reasons you walked away?
No connection. My husband didn't 'see' me. I wanted more in a relationship - specifically PARTNERSHIP. We didn't have that, hadn't had it for at least a decade and I needed it. I didn't feel loved.

Quote:
Did you find the same problems in your new relationship that you had when you walked away from your old one?
No, because my new relationship is with my husband who, referencing your first question, gets it.

Quote:
Are you thinking of walking away from this relationship as well?
I have skills now, too, thanks to my husband, which assist me in expressing my thoughts, feelings, needs. These skills in concert with what my husband has learned give us the ability to work through, rather than walk away from our difficulties. So no, I am not thinking of walking away again.

Quote:
Are you still with the person you walked away with and is this threlationship you thought you were going to have?
I didn't have another person waiting in the wings when I walked. I walked away in pain - not to be rescued.

Quote:
thank you for your time!

You are welcome. I am one of many people on this board who have suffered or are suffering, yet we still give of our experience here in order to be helpful - sort of pay it forward. You would do well, Alex, to see the value in this rather than baiting and mindreading. It oozes from your posts. Folks here know the pain I suspect you feel. We're about problem solving and support. We offer that to you, too. Be nice.

Cheers ~
Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



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Originally Posted By: Greek
You would do well, Alex, to see the value in this rather than baiting and mindreading. It oozes from your posts. Folks here know the pain I suspect you feel. We're about problem solving and support. We offer that to you, too. Be nice.


He hasn't posted here since he started this thread, almost a month ago; I think he left because he didn't get what he wanted out of it.

Nevertheless, I think it's great you addressed his questions. To hear you describe it, it sounds like you are in a similar space to my wife, and I was in a similar space to Coach.

The fact that he stepped up and worked to change what made you unhappy (which is something I've been trying to do -- learned a bit from the answers my wife gave me while I was pursuing early on) and that led to an eventual reconciliation gives me hope.

We're still in the same house, can be affectionate to each other (hugs, the occasional kiss) and are sleeping in separate beds while she tries to work things out for herself. She says she's willing to do MC but won't commit to a timeframe yet. I think she's trying to decide if she wants to stay before taking that step; which to me is putting the cart before the horse, but it's her decision.

Even my friend who is divorced and (happily) remarried says that this is a big improvement over where we were a month ago. She never got that much from her XH, so the fact that we've come this far is a victory in and of itself.


Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

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Now that you have walked away, have the reasons for walking away been justified?

Well he's still not reaching out to me, so...?

And what were the reasons you walked away?

It wasn't any one thing but my major problem was that he'd ignore me and not speak to me for days/weeks/month and seemed very uninterested in me or spending any time with me.I felt extremely alone in my M. When we did speak, it was mostly a fight.

Did you find the same problems in your new relationship that you had when you walked away from your old one?

N/A. I left for my sanity/for me and because I got tired of being in a completely silent home, with a silent H, and anytime there was any movement in my house it was loud as hell.

Are you thinking of walking away from this relationship as well?

N/A

Are you still with the person you walked away with and is this the relationship you thought you were going to have?


N/A


Me: 29
Got a ticket to the D concert
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