So... W and I have been down this road before, but each time we manage to find our way back around. Well she left an email open and yes it was an old PA and now an OEA. I called W on it, she then went down the I want a D road. I don't think I want that, I got DB and it was incredible for ME PERSONALLY, and has had some positive effects with W. Am I being a doormat to want to make it work out? Should I use DB for my own benefit strictly and let her walk?
Welcome, you will find a lot of friends here who will be around to support whether through just saying hello, lurking in the background or giving valuable insights.
We need to know more about your situation and how you got to this point.
The DB techniques are to help you, the payoff for you is that in working on yourself and your happiness is that your W will more than likely wish to return.
But this is a very long process and does not guarantee overnight success, it is a very bumpy rough ride and you have to be prepared for good times and bad times during the process.
One of the most valuable realizations for me (though this is still fresh for me as well) was: what will be the best outcome if I do all that I can to make it work?
Don't project a fantasy. It has to be realistic and you have to have real plans to change real things about yourself. It should involve what is best for each member of the family, especially kids (if any).
Unfortunately, you can't slap her in the face with the "staying together is best for everyone" mantra. That will backfire and is a common ploy. It's about figuring out your own motivation for moving forward.
But something makes you keep coming back. Figure out if that something is a healthy thing or not.
Hope that helps. Others here will have better, clearer advice I'm sure. Hang in there.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Is it fair for me to expect 100% total transparency....I know she is associating inappropriately...I have seen the emails and believe she is hiding her FB content for those very reasons. As much as DB helps me and gives me hope, and seems to be having progress, and as much as I want this to work... I don't feel I should have to negotiate this issue at all. Is this reasonable.... There is such a thing as privacy and then there are secrets....whats the difference? and why have them with your spouse? and should it be allowed (strong word)?
If you ask for tranparency its going to be construed as controlling and pursuing at this present time. Best way to get started on this board is to tell us all about things, how it started, who did what and when etc.. And then go read as many posts as your brain can manage. Dont try and run before you can walk, DB is fantastic and it certainly has helped me a great deal along with the dear friends I have made on here, but as Oz said its a long and slow and often frustrating process, if you just want to click your fingers and its fixed your in the wrong place. Anyway welcome and hope you find the support on here invaluable.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
From your comments on my page, I see that your W has had at least 6 A's. I think you need baby steps here. I agree with MAH above.
First, you need to figure out why you want to make it work with her if this is a pattern for your relationship.
Second, understand that this will take time. Lots of time. You will have to make changes in the process even if she is the one with issues.
Third, adjust your expectations. Of course keeping secrets is not generally acceptable in a healthy relationship. You need to keep in mind though that you aren't in a healthy relationship right now though. She's going to keep secrets at this point. Accept it. It's not forever, just for now. Make that a goal for the future.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Early in my sitch I was worried about being a doormat. Someone very wise said that I wasn't to be doormat, but a welcome mat.
We need more information than what you've given so far to help you. Venting is good, and you can vent all you want, but give us more, please.
I write to very few newcomers because I only have so many hours in the day and I try to keep up with people that I've interacted with over my time on the board. This place and the people here are awesome, so give us more and we will try to help.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Is it fair for me to expect 100% total transparency....
Only if she says she wants to end her affair, and work on your marriage. Until she does, you're in no position to insist on ANYTHING. But WHEN she does, I absolutely think it's not only fair, but it's ESSENTIAL.
Someone once explained the difference between "privacy" and "secrecy" thusly, and I think it's about right:
"Privacy" is when you want to close the door when you go to the bathroom. "Secrets" are when you keep something from your spouse, and have no place in a healthy marriage.
Oh, and you're only a doormat if you're not setting (and enforcing) some boundaries. For me, they were:
- no calling OM from inside of our house
- no calling or texting OM in front of the children, at home or anywhere
- I will not allow our family finances to be spent in any way on your affair (lingerie, plastic surgery, her cellphone, etc.).
I think it also has to do with one's own attitude: do you FEEL like a doormat? If you do, then you probably are. If you're able to give a long leash and remain loving and forgiving, and you feel confidently that it's part of your overall DB Plan, and you can pull that off, then no.
Personally, I think that last part is rare, especially among men, as they find affairs particularly emasculating. But it's not impossible, at least for some period of time (3-6 months maybe?).
I established very similar rules. Basically, it started when W was texting OM and giggling while we were sitting having dinner with our kids, and I looked her square in the face, and said loudly, "You are being extremely rude."
She was furious, but didn't say a word, and she shut her phone and put it away, and I don't think I've seen her do it since.
The key is in the delivery - if you attempt to control, she'll know it. If you establish firm boundaries, it make take a bit of time, but she'll realize that it's not about HER.
My W quit arguing with my boundaries once she figured out that I was simply protecting myself and my kids, and she had no leg to stand on.
