It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

No OM that I'm aware of. If there were, I'd probably stop all contact. Though I do consider the dating site profile a form of cheating. Where did the OM come from? There seems to be some mixup.

I'm at the point where I feel I need to communicate that I'm not the threat she thinks I am. Detach, yes. I tend to get sucked in by her. There has to be a middle ground, where I can communicate with her without saying "get lost" and yet maintain my distance. I think that's detachment. I'm too close. I can't unlove her as much as I've tried.

My desperation is intermittent and usually the result of her contacting me. That's the problem. I can't just act like a normal person. I screw up and spend all night trying to "fix" my mistakes, leading to too many texts and calls.

[stephanie]

it is hard to detach. I am having troubles doing this myself. One thing that I have found to help out with the process is to call a good friend instead of the spouse. Another activity that I have used is to jump on here and read or type. Pretty much use anything and everything to destract yourself. Another thing that may help, and I just thought of this but have not put it to use myself yet.... Start a book of letters to the other spouse. Now I think this could be useful to get out all the feelings of anger desperation hurt.... anything at all! I have wriiten a few to my H... It does help.

Good luck detaching it is no easy task. If it helps think of the negative about the other spouse. hHonestly the more pissed off you are the easier it is.

[Steve McQueen]

Isn't there some decoder ring I can get to tell me what to do? Seriously, I keep doing the wrong thing and I'm not even sure if there's a right thing anymore.

And how do I smooth this one over?

decoder ring? you get that in a box of cereal. it doesnt help with marital problems. it helps to find the silly rabbit in the picture on the back of the box. thats it.

this works, STOP ARGUING. STOP TRYING TO BE RIGHT. GIVE HER WHATS SHES ASKING FOR RIGHT NOW.

my daddy gave me this information when i was young and i am going to pass it onto you because you need it. Dont argue with a woman. The more you try to convince them that you are right the more they are going to disagree with you.

Do you see that happening in your situation? I do....

You have a conversation. The two of you disagree. It turns into a arguement. Then you say something stupid. You have to stop that. Its getting you nowhere and now you are asking about decoder rings.

Answer is: Woman are beautiful and complex creatures. They are not for figuring out. They are for making happy. You are not making your wife happy.

Solution, give her what she wants, space, time, stop arguing with her. Take the next 30 to 45 days to move on in a positive direction in your life. Move on. Reduce your contact and communication with her. When you do talk with her stop reminding her about the situation and how you feel. Dont be stupid and tell her that you are done or moving on with your life. Just make yourself busy and make your self happy. If she has a gripe about you, so what? If she throws a punch at you, take it. What are you going to gain telling her you feel like a punching bag. Truth is YOU ARE. Your marriage is messed up, your wife is upset, pissed off, confused. Swallow your pride and take the punch. In the mean time, do things that keep you busy and happy. Stop pestering her with text messages and phone calls. Let her figure out what she needs to figure out and contact you when she needs to then just listen to her.

[TooLateForMe]

My problem isn't that I'm contacting over and over. It's that I'm keeping my distance then when SHE initiates contact I do the wrong things. I'm learning, just very slowly and making mistakes along the way. Mistakes that cause too much damage...

I need some way to figure out what the right thing to do is when she does contact. I was half-way intelligent at some point in my life but I am learning how dumb I am in terms of Rs. Funny thing is these mistakes actually teach me a lot. Too bad it's not just spilled milk I'm dealing with.

[Mongoose27]

Hi Sandi thanks I just do not know what to do that works. I am missing her so much. I have never loved anyone like this and it is killing me. I am not depressed or sad and I do not think that I am not worthy, I do not think I can't get someone else, I do not think that life with my daughter and the things that I do are not worthy. I am just hurting because I miss her. I miss so many little things. Yeah I know NO MORE WHINING but I am sure many of you can relate. So many little things that you recognize more and more and more everyday that you miss and have come to appreciate. Losing her has been really life altering.

[TooLateForMe]

Tell me about it, Mongoose...

I visited the doctor today and I have some antianxiety med and antidepressants. Had depression issues in the past and W has been telling me for a while to get back on meds. So, in the interest of a better life w/ or w/out my W I'm medicated.

[TooLateForMe]

I got a prescription for paxil yesterday. Due to my manic metabolism they kicked in quickly.

Talk about detachment! I don't even care much. It would be nice if we got back together, but if not that's okay too.

I'm not suggesting the answer to everyone's problems are anti-depressants but I've had a history of depression and anxiety. I was concerned this situation would send me into a spiral, so I talked to the doctor. Plus my W has mentioned I was depressed though I blew her off. She was probably right. If only I'd done something back then...

The flashes of memories still hit me, reminding me of all the important things. But they aren't as intense and don't send me into that crushing sadness.

I'm excited to live right now and let the whole thing go. This worries me a bit. If this detachment works and she does eventually come back will I want her? I barely do now.

[bluerain]

Sorry Mark, there are just so many on here who do have OM's! There was a sitch where the man was almost stalking the W and frankly, I was starting to get a little worried for him.

Pretty much everything else that I said, I still think is applicable here though. Im glad that you got some meds on board. I did too, and it made a big difference for me. I dont use them anymore, but when this whole mess started, I needed them.

Thats the point of detaching! Isnt it great! Now, if she does come crawling back, its your choice, your terms. And thats what women want- a strong man who is in control of himself. After 18 months of being separated and making all kinds of wonderful changes for myself, when I did see H again, I realized that he really hadnt done anything with himself at all. And I also realized that I didnt really like him very much anymore!

[sandi2]

Mark, I think it is probably nature's way of protecting people...maybe? IDK, but I read of where so many LBH's feel like you are describing here. Your mind gets so worn out with all the pain and emotion and your body wears out, so it may be just taking a "break". Don't be surprised when you discover that you care as much as you ever did!

Glad you got some meds b/c some of us just have to have help when our bodies won't cooperate the way we want them to.

[TooLateForMe]

Doing "fine" with the detaching. Have a slight cold. I need to focus more on GAL but I went out Sat and Sun. I should start writing. I removed pics of W from cell and put up any reminders of her.

Anyway, last night during the nightly call to Ds W had them call me. Neither D wanted to talk much and I didn't feel well, so when D13 was more interested in playing a video game than talk to me I let it go and said goodnight.

W calls me back to apologize for D13 being rude so I said it was no big deal. She also informs me about a guy "friend" about whom I had assumed there was a budding romantic relationship. She said he had been getting the wrong idea and he had gotten very possessive. They had had a big fight and were no longer friends. I said I was sorry that it turned out badly but didn't offer any other opinions. I kept my tone neutral and ended the conversation politely.

Why would she make a big deal out of this to me? She emphasized that their friendship was over and I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. It's kind of odd, like she was expecting something from me.