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#1839726 09/17/09 10:56 PM
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My husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago. We have been to 2 marriage counselors with him still chatting and periodically meeting with the other women (secretly of course).

I told him to not talk or see her anymore last spring. I then put my all into the marriage only to find recent pictures of him and the other women (within the last 2 months).

This hurts and I should have known better because he has never genuinely said he was sorry and made any changes in behavior. He still keeps his cell phone locked up and out of site. He has all passwords, etc.

I don't think he has woken up and I feel like I'm done with this relationship. I don't know that he ever will.

I have asked him why he won't commit to me and of course he has to think about and will get back to me later (It's now 4 days later).

I have spelled out Commitment to him and what he needs to do or else we need to divorce.

What do you think?

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I think he doesn't take you seriously, because you've put up with it for this long.

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I think you are right. He told me last night that he understands what I'm saying about commitment, but there are other core issues he is worried about (In other words, things I have or have not done 2 years ago and before). This is his way of avoiding answering the commitment question entirely and he gets to do whatever he wants and feel in control.

So after his talk that had nothing to do with my question, I told him that I was going to conclude from this that he doesn't want to commit. Of course he said that he didn't think that was appropriate either.

I'm getting tired of being treated this way. From him having an affair and then me sticking around to work on things only to find him not wanting to do anything different on his part. He is still being very selfish and I think it's time I move on with my life. I don't think he wants me very bad as his wife.

I have moved out of our bedroom into another bedroom to make it clear that I don't accept his continued behavior. I think I will really focus in on my career and save some cash where I can as a fund for when I see I need to move out.

I can't keep putting my life on hold only to keep being rejected. I think it's time for me to mentally move on and eventually maybe physically.

Any other thoughts?

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Can you really see your life without him? And I don't mean does it make you sad, of course it does. But can you see your life without him?

If you can't, then neither can he. He needs to.


M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy
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Originally Posted By: hadenough


So after his talk that had nothing to do with my question, I told him that I was going to conclude from this that he doesn't want to commit. Of course he said that he didn't think that was appropriate either.


Here's the thing: HE DOESN'T GET TO TELL YOU WHAT YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS NEED TO BE.

So:

You: "You leave me with no other reasonable conclusion than you are not prepared to commit to our marriage, the way a husband and a wife OUGHT to be committed to one another. I do appreciate your honesty -- it gives me clarity."

Him: "Well, I don't think that's quite appropriate either ..."

You: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you don't get to tell me how I get to feel. I have my own decisions to make. Thank you."

And then end the conversation, excusing yourself to go do something.

Here's the paradox of DBing, Had Enough: only until you are truly ready to move on with your life, will he sense it, and respond to you. And yet, you CANNOT do it merely to GET a response out of him -- you have to do it for YOU, and be prepared for the consequences, including the possibility that he won't respond at all -- that's his decision to make.

Does that make sense??

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Thank you for the comments and help. I appreciate it and it gives me a lot of food for thought.

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HadEnough,

He is having his cake and eating it, too... he gets to keep the 'respectability' of being married and the thrill of running around town with the OW. He sees no reason why he should change a thing when it has all been working for him so far.

Moving out of the bedroom might be a start, but maybe you also need to stop being available for him in other ways that he takes for granted. Let his laundry pile up... he wants to smell fresh and clean for other people then he can learn to wash and fold. You hungry? Make yourself a dinner *you* like and he can do the same for himself. Going shopping for household supplies... get what you need but stop automatically getting things he needs, if he needs razors and shaving cream and deoderant then he will need to either ask you or get it himself.

I am not telling you to turn cold towards him... I am just saying to stop making it easy for him and let him see what you have done for him all this time... by letting him learn what it would be like in a small way to be without you.


M- 11 y
H- 40
Me- 41
D (1st M) 19
S (1st M) 17
First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000
Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06
SSM (total) 3 1/2 years

"promises and hearts were made to be broken"
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I think that is a good idea. Let him know what it's like to be without me before I move completely out of the house. I need to stick to my guns on this and not back down on the commitment issue.

Thank you.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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