Tired of the game

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,
Well things change. I know yuo said you 'tried that before', but that was .. 2 years ago now? We all (maybe men especially!) need the benefit of hindsight, or time to get perspective on something and its often only after a few years goes by that you can look back and go ... ahhh... thats what that was all about!

I'm not saying he would have answers, or you should shout or yell if thats what you dont feel yuo need to do. Just that DBing is all about minimising THEIR guilt, considering and validating THEIR feelings, giving THEM space and not putting any pressure on THEM, etc etc.. in other words, its all about being considerate to them and making it smoother for them (as well as GALing for us, blah blah!)...

I just was suggesting you stop considering his feelings so much and his levels of comfort and think about yourself. So if you needed to have a conversation or pick uyp the phone or just be honest..I think you may as well now, thats all.

I am open and honest with my bf, becuase he allows me to, and it is such a relief. Your H sounds like he regrets what he has done, so I wondered if there was a little opening there to finally sit down and cut all the b*llshit and say what you want to say and be real.
Hugs to you, Al xxx

[JCJ]

Hey Ali

I know what you are saying, but that would involve me stepping back on the emotional rollercoaster again and that is something I really don't want to do.

He and I did have that convo back in March when I asked him why he left again and his answer then was still I don't know.

I did reply to his email in the end. I said that I appreciated that he had replied, that it wasn't what I preferred but that when he makes arrangements and then does not follow them up or continually postponed them it makes me feel very frustrated and then a sentence of general chat. My feeling now is that past is past. If he *really* wants to see me then he will put some sort of effort in and if he leaves it then it is his loss. He's had chances, far more than he deserves.

I have done the self examination and I have identified my contribution to the situation. But when I look at the bigger picture I was a good wife. I cared for him when he was sick, I supported his career, I looked after the house and we had so much fun together *all* the time. I have lamented on this forum over and over again about everything that I have done wrong and beat myself up good and proper but at the end of the day I am not a bad person, or a bad wife/ partner. This was about him and his choices and I cannot own those or be married in paper only. Plus, he betrayed me in the very worst possible way and continues to do so and whilst he is sorry, he shows no action.

I just cannot spend anymore of my energy on it. This isn't about him, this is about me. I don't need the drama and I am much happier without it. Plus, I really think that I do not need to spell it out to him, he is very aware of what he has done and I can't make him face it. That will come in his own time.

Oooh, it felt good to say that out loud. Thanks Al!

[JCJ]

I went to see Jace Everett last night, he was really good. I really recommend him.

[MsMelancoly]

I understand with your POV. Keep moving forward,Julia!

[JCJ]

Thanks Ms M, how're you? You haven't posted for a while.

[mishka422]

You sound so good Julia and like you are in a very healthy place. BRAVO!

So, what interesting plans do you have for this weekend?

[AliSuddenly]

Ahh, but thats great that you emailed him back. Well done and also, it sounds like you were honest in the email. I'm glad you feel able to do that, in fact you sound pretty centred about it all. Its such a shame and he has to live with this guilt for a long time now and it will weigh heavy on him.
x

[JCJ]

Aw, thanks guys. That is reassuring to me. I feel like I have made some progress in the past few weeks in terms of my thinking about the whole thing. I feel at peace with it now, and I think you are right Al that it is a shame that he possibly will never feel that about the situation. It isn't to say I won't spiral again at times but at the moment it is so blissful to be calm.

Not much planned for the weekend. Friday night I'll probably go singing/ flirting with hot guy but mainly just singing Saturday I am visiting a friend that I haven't seen for ages and Sunday my Mum has offered to cook me a roast dinner - so I am there! Yum! Tonight they are switching on the Christmas lights near where I work and they always have a lovely market and

[MichelleLT]

You consider that not much? Lol. A weekend of not much for me would consist of reading in bed and doing a few chores.

Sounds like fun though. Glad you are feeling at peace. It is definitely another part of the rollercoaster. Hang in there though.

[JCJ]

Yeah, for me that is an empty weekend lol! I love to be 'doing'. As my nephew told me the other day I need to 'chillax'

I met my big brother for lunch today which was really nice. I realised on the way back that when he asked me if I had any news I totally forgot to say about the divorce so I had to text him. I am thinking that is a good sign that is how little it all is playing on my mind, especially when compared to before.