Distraught by secrecy

[2inlimbo]

Hi, I've posted elsewhere. Quick story. 12 years marriage, husband decieved me on business deal 2002-2006. Life savings gone. Had EA 2007. H was distant late 2008. I found out about new EA ( I suspect PA ) 6/29/2009. Since 3/09 my H threatened me with D, blamed me for everything no matter how hard I DB'ed. I found out about A on 6/29 and went nuts. threw H out of house. H's biggest complaint has been my anger so that doesn't help, but who doesn't blow up when they learn of their H's affair?

Fast forward, I filed for legal separation (I'm Catholic), he countersued for divorce. I don't know where his R is at with this womand but I do know that her D finalized last week and my H went out with her that night. Classy!!

My question is, My H blames me for everything- accuses me of verbal abuse. I am guilty of being critical and nagging at times but nothing that justifies abuse. I think this is an excuse to blame me. I am trying to 180 but I keep flipping out and going nuts. It is becasue he appears so calm and cool. I want to know where he is, why is he not suffering as much as nme and my kids? It just piisses me off. I want to know where he is but he is so secretive. I have no secrets; I would tell him where I'm at anytime, but he yelled at me for asking his parents who he was taking to the baseball game.

I am in so much pain, he has countersued me for divorce and I don't want this. I am dying inside and he tells me he does not care. I know he is going forward with the slut, but he dienies it. How do I go forward, I feel like I'm going to die from the pain. My kids are suffering so much since he left.

[dday101798]

Hi 2inlimbo, sorry you're here.

I'm going to be blunt. You're right, he doesn't care about your pain, your kids pain or suffering. And most importantly, in his mind, you ARE all the reasons why it is OK that he is with OW. It's justificaions for his actions, and validates his leaving.

OW, as many will say, is a drug to him right now. He is blind to the consequences of his actions. And, like drug addicts, he will steal from his own mother just to get another fix.

I spent many a days in the state you were for far too long, thus I hope myself and others can help spare you the bulk of the pain, or at least from re-hashing the same wallowing state over and over. You have come to the right help for guidance and support.

Begin with his stated complaints about you. No, you are not 100% at fault for this, but if you examine and correct your 50% the sooner the better, you will at least come out of this a better person. More importantly you need to stablize yourself for the kids. H was checked out, you need to pick up the slack and be the responsible parent, suck I know, but it is what it is.

Just remember, H is an addict right now, and addicts only get help when they realize they have a problem.

[2inlimbo]

Hi dday, thanks for your honest response. My H sent me a nasty message that he's going dark b'c he's sick of my phone calls,begging and pleading. I've done everything wrong with divorce busting.

What kills me is he won't realize he has a problem. He's cut off ties to almost his entire social circle. He's just with this girl who is his office manager so they're always together. His parents believe his lies that they are just friends. So how will he realize he has a problem if no one tells him he does???

[dday101798]

. So how will he realize he has a problem if no one tells him he does???

Only he can wake up one morning and ask himself, 'my gosh, what have I done?'.

Until then, the more you call, beg, plea, and try to "make" him see, the worse you're going to make it. Honor his nasty message and go about your life. With little to no contact and you becoming a more stable and recovered individual, he'll come back around on his own.