There's lots of new people here since I left the Infidelity board and moved over to piecing and I wanted to give hope to everyone struggling here with an unfaithful spouse that my W and I are an example of a couple that are going to make it after her A.
I didn't follow DB to the letter and boy oh boy, did it take a long time, but I'm happy to say our divorce has been busted.
I'm terribly busy at work so I don't have much time to read everyone's threads, but if anyone has any questions, I'd be glad to try and help. And I'll add, what worked for me might not work for everyone, but I'll be glad to tell you how I handled things in my sitch.
Hope4us
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Sorry for the delay in replying. Like I mentioned, work has been crazy busy, as has home.
I apologize in advance for repeating the story to anyone that was around while I was residing on the Infidelity board.
Here is the cliff's note version of my sitch.
- Relocated for work in Nov 2006. W and I both work for the same company. Prior to this relocation we worked in the same building. After relocating, W works at a different location about 10 miles from my work location.
- W meets OM at her new work location. Tells me he's really nice and he's a contractor who travels from job to job every couple years and lives 1000 miles from his W and kids. First red flag....
- A few months later W makes some comments about loving our new location because in our hometown she felt like everyone knew everything about everybody, but here no one knows her and she can go out without anyone knowing. Second Red flag...
- W talks more and more about OM and starts having drinks on Friday evenings with work "group". OM included of course. I warn her that a guy who lives 1000 miles from his W most likely has women on the side and to be careful. "I'm a big girl and can take care of myself". Third red flag....
- March 2007, A starts. From then until August 2007, W increasingly distant, angry with me, spends more time out, I catch her in a number of lies, cell bill and TM's pretty incriminating, but she always has a pretty good story AND I trust her, she'd never do anything like that.
- August 2007, W and I have it out over OM. W says "you don't have to worry, OM is moving to another location for our company ~250 miles away. Whew I think, that was a close one.
- Sept 4, 2007. I look at W's cell phone and there's a TM that leaves no doubt what's going on. OM had driven to visit the day before while S17 and I were at my Mom's for a cook out.
Confrontation that night, she admits it, I tell her she needs to end it for us to have a chance. She says "I'll decide if and when to end it".
Week later, W says she's going to spend the night with her mom. I'm suspicious. She claims OM ended it when I confronted her. Of course, W goes to spend it with OM. When she gets home, I confront her and she says if I keep pushing she'll go see a lawyer. I do all the wrong things, beg, plead, try to guilt her with the kids, etc.
For the next month and a half W would take off about every other weekend to go see OM. i finally got some nads and contacted OMW to let her know what was going on (mid - Nov). As I suspected, this was OM's 4th or 5th A his W knew about.
That put a crimp in the A although the EA continued. She went to see OM one more time but I busted her and immediately contacted OMW who busted OM. That was the last time they were physically together.
EA continued, but I think it was W who was pursuing as OMW told me she suspected OM had another GF in his new location as early as Oct. Saw TM's etc where they were planning on divorcing us and marrying each other when our youngest was done with H.S. (2.5 years).
After I exposed I started DB'ing, although I didn't know of DB yet. W told me the A was over and she'd stay to "try" until S17 graduated....but.....
Saw a TM in Jan, in Feb, and in March (2008) where W was begging OM to visit, each time he had an excuse. That TM in March was the last straw for me. That weekend I drove to our S21's college and told him what was going on and I was going to see a lawyer that week.
Got home the next day and took S17 for a drive and told him the sitch and that I was going to see a lawyer. He already knew. He'd asked W who her BF was but she lied to him, of course.
After S17 and I got home, he went to our bedroom and shreaded W. Told her he'd never talk to her again if she got together with OM. He would never visit unless he was forced to, etc.
The next morning when I leave for work I have a nasty note from W with my wallet (she'd been sleeping on the couch since Sept) blaming me for everything. I got to work and sent a note which for the first time I set my boundaries. Got a response from her a couple hours later saying she wanted to stay in the marriage and "try". I said NC was non-negotiable and if I found out about contact, I was outie. She said Ok. She didn't follow thru on most of the boundaries I set (reading "Not just friends", getting rid of some affair gifts, etc) but I didn't have the nuts to enforce them at the time. I didn't really have a choice because of the financial situation and my work situation, so I decided to get a frickin life and if she came around, great, if not, I'd be done when S17 graduated.
Don't get me wrong, I was DBing my a** off. And I'm sure Puppy will giggle as I was on that massive rollercoaster of emotions, but I did set a deadline in my head and put off any decisions until then.
It took her a couple months before she'd talk to me. It was then another month before she'd do anything with me alone. Beginning of Aug 2008 we went to Disney on a family vacation and there was a noticable change in her. Not much, but some.
Oct 2008 W and I went back to Disney, just us and we ML for the first time in over a year. Major pull back from W after that trip.
Holidays brought her another notch up back to the marriage.
January we went out of town for the weekend and really connected. Major pull back again.
By April, she seemed to be making more moves towards the marriage. One night we discussed the A and she opened up to me some. From that point until now she has steadily moved more towards me up to the point last weekend when she told me she loved me, has always loved me, that she was sorry, that she didn't know what the F she was thinking. She's going to start wearing her wedding rings as soon as we can get them sized, we talk about our future all the time. She has said "I love you" almost daily since last Sat.
Yesterday and today she's sending me TM's that can only be described as "sexting".
Ok, that's a long cliff notes version and I need to run home. W and I are going on a date. She's promised to do things to me tonight that would make a sailor blush!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I just found out my H has an OW - we are separated, he is a WAS. I don't want to be separated. He says only if I sign legal separation papers and he can continue with OW he will go to therapy "to see where things stand"...sounds like a death toll to me, but my DB instinct says to try LRT and just avoid him and give him space - the pain of the OW being here now is killing me.
Ok, that's a long cliff notes version and I need to run home. W and I are going on a date. She's promised to do things to me tonight that would make a sailor blush!
I just found out my H has an OW - we are separated, he is a WAS. I don't want to be separated. He says only if I sign legal separation papers and he can continue with OW he will go to therapy "to see where things stand"...sounds like a death toll to me, but my DB instinct says to try LRT and just avoid him and give him space - the pain of the OW being here now is killing me.
I think your instinct is right on the money. He wants OW and he wants you to stay on the sidelines just in case things don't work out with OW.
I think LRT is the way to go. Therapy while one person is involved in an A is a waste of time and money. While he's with OW, he'll never give you and your M a fair chance. LRT also lets you keep your own sanity while your H is off in lala land with OW.
After the A ends (and it will end) and he's had a chance to get through the WD from OW, then your marriage has a chance. LRT lets your H get all his needs filled by OW. And most of them fail miserably. Without reading your sitch, I would suspect that your H also wants you to sign a legal separation agreement so he can say to family and friends "see, H4L is ok with it". Either that or he's afraid of how an A will look to a judge if you guys should D so he wants the papers signed so he can say "we were legally separated, so I wasn't cheating".
Hope this helps. I should have some time this week to spend some more time on here as I'll be out of town for work for a couple weeks and there's not much else to do than sit in a hotel room and surf the internet. I'll take a look at your sitch.
Keep your chin up. These things can turn around. A year and a half ago if you'd have asked me where my M would be right now I'd have told you we'd be divorced. But we're not and while we have a lot to work through, I KNOW we're going to make it.
Hope this helps.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Ok, that's a long cliff notes version and I need to run home. W and I are going on a date. She's promised to do things to me tonight that would make a sailor blush!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Yes. What things make a sailor blush?
Oh Sara, these boards have rules......and a gentleman never kisses and tells...
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Ok, that's a long cliff notes version and I need to run home. W and I are going on a date. She's promised to do things to me tonight that would make a sailor blush!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Yes. What things make a sailor blush?
As a Navy wife, I could answer this question, but I prefer to keep my serets to myself! LOL
H4U--
I m so glad that things have turned around for you. I am still wiating for the affair to implode and somedaysd are rougher than others. I did get to go out with my DH and the kids on Friday--dinner an bowling--and we had a blast. Then, Saturday we had a cookout with all of his family there and my mom--who was on VERY good behavior. Today was more of the same positives, with DH making the kids be more respectful when speaking to me, stepping in on discipline when the kids got out of hand, sharing with me about work and his college course. As far as I know, the status with the OW has not changed and until he tells me otherwise I will operate from that mindset. I did blow his mind tonight by packing up some leftovers for him for tomorrow sicne he has duty and his ship is on a limited mess. He was very thankful, while saying that I did not have to do it. It was patently obvious hat he did appreciate the gesture.
Any other suggestions for me? I have all of my threads in Newcomers and if you go to the first page on my current thread, they are all listed.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
