Been DB'ing for a little over a year now. W had an EA last summer, that's how I found the DB info. Got a coach, Got a life, got my W back. For a while.
This spring, change in her attitude. From ML 3x a week to nothing. Last time was horrible - truly felt she was disgusted with everything, including me. Discovered another EA with a different guy. Confronted her on the EA, got some good advice from Puppy and others over on the affairs thread.
Stopped the "spying" after it looked like the EA ended, but I don't know about now. Engaged a good friend in my sitch. She was the maid of honor at our weeding. Probably knows my W better than anyone. Gave me some really good insight into her mind and where she might be at. Following some good advice from her that cooresponds with the advice from my coach.
Currently using more of an AS IF mentality. Have considered going dark, but friend advised against it. She liked the AS IF approach.
Have asked W twice about us. First time was the usual ILYBNILWY message but also that we need couseling. I agreed, told her that the couseling I was getting was good for me. Asked her to find a counselor for us to go to. Bad reaction - "why do i always have to do everything". Told her that the last time I tried, she hated who I picked and that I would not find a counselor for her, or set up the appointments. Told her I would not move out. Told her that I was committed to make our marriage work.
Have not intiated sex. Have recently tried to kiss her again - with some good and bad reactions. Occasionally gave her a back rub while watching TV together. Stopped asking her to go to movies or on anything that might resemble a date. Mostly just living together as room mates raising our kids.
Asked her a month ago about us again - we were going on seperate trips, wouldn't see each other for 14 days. Asked her to think about us and what she wanted to do. Told her I was tired of not moving in any direction, either backward or forward. I just want to move somwhere; that not getting moving in any direction is driving me crazy. Asked her to find a couselor and tell me when the first appointment is.
Nothing. She's commented on my GAL attitude. Says my going out is good. Asks where I was going, etc... trying to be a friend again with her. Talking like we did before; sharing my day with her. Thinking we are making good progress.
Friend advised an activity together for us - maybe something more for us to connect a bit more. She suggested dancing. So I did some research and found some dancing lessons (since I suck at dancing). Told her yesterday that we could go to some dance lessons last night, if she wanted. Big push back. Challenging questions. Made a mistake on that one. She spent the night in the basement doing laundry. Asked her if it was just last night - would she still be interested in dancing lessons together at another time. No response.
So now what... my friend advises confrontation. Asking W again where we stand - having a R talk. Her husband suggested kicking the B****H out. Do I continue with the AS IF approach. Do I go dark? Do I initiate the R talk and force the counseling? Do I ask her to leave?
We need the counseling. I think she needs to talk with someone, anyone.
I'm ok with her leaving -I really think she needs to be out on her own to clear her head. But she's somewhat narciscistic - she wouldn't do anything that would reflect bad on her - everything seems to be all about her. Sometimes I believe she is just waiting for me to leave so it would be "my" fault. But I'm not leaving.
Good question. You are currently doing all the work and being the only one pushing for this marriage. To my eye it looks a little desperate and needy. There is no challenge here...you are just here in the wings accepting whatever scraps she throws your way (and it doesn't sound like there are any at the moment). I think what you are doing now is a bust...so why are you still doing it?
I think your wife's friend gives you the advice from the standpoint of someone that hasn't checked out of the relationship. Ask her what she would think if someone she didn't want to be with did as she suggested and maybe her tune would change. I think her husband had the better mentality...kick her to the curb. While you aren't prepared to do that literally...figuratively you could. Start doing more things for yourself. Don't push for her to make any decision regarding the relationship...you just proceed as though she made one....that she wants out. Her behavior certainly seems to suggest it...that and she is possibly still cheating. What would you do with your life if she wasn't in it? Take up some of that in small doses.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks. Looking back, I now realize that I started to pursue her again. Saw a little opportunity and went for it. Wrong. Stepping back, much more focused on the AS IF strategy. Going slightly more dark - still need to communicate realted to kids, etc... but nothing else.
Need to keep reminding mysef that there are some good signs all around, but I need to temper my reactions to them and stop any type of pursuit.
Looking for some advice from some WAW's who might be out there. Anniversary is coming up. 23 years. Last year, just a card. This year was thinking about nothing. Thoughts?
My LBS made me a CD of all the kids pictures (He didn't include pictures of him & the kids, just me & the kids or the kids by themselves) that were on the home computer I no longer had access to.
he also spent time scanning in old pictures that weren't 'digital' and included those
that was a 180 for him, taking time to do something that he knew mattered to me.. having pictures of my kids surround me at work, at home, in my purse, on my computer & iTouch...
what matters to 'her'.. not as part of an 'us', but her as a woman.
or nothing could work too. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
