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A Message from Michele
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Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... #1829187
08/31/09 03:09 PM
08/31/09 03:09 PM
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braindeadguy Offline OP
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braindeadguy  Offline OP
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I posted last week about my situation (married 26 years and wife gave me the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" speech about a month ago.

Anyway....she finally confessed that she's been having an affair with a mutual close friend of both of ours. He's also married. I suspected this but did not realize how long it has been going on. They started (as usual) as "friends" talking about 4 years ago. About 2 1/2 years ago things got out of line and she now says she's been "in love" with him for some time. She admitted that they have had sex several times and she would not do that unless she was in love with him.

The "good news" is that she is totally broken up about it and is truly sorry for what she has done to us and our family.

Also...the OM told his wife about the affair several weeks ago because (so he says to my wife) he wanted to end his marriage and take things with my wife to another level. HIS wife was devastated and convinced him to try to work things out. He's broken off the affair but is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He tells my wife he needs to go back to his but he's still in love with her too. My wife says that since she's still in love with him she can't break the emotional ties and that is keeping her from working on "us" again.

I believe she really wants to work things out but she says she can't "turn off the switch" and stop loving the OM. Right now she's not sure she can ever get over him.

I believe that she will in due time but can't deal with the hurt and pain that this is causing.

I really want to work this out and understand that it will take lots of time. Since my son is has 2 more years of school, I'm willing to give it 2 years (unless the OM changes his mind and returns....in this case if things don't change fast I believe she would leave me for him).

I'm trying to be the "good guy" and be my wife's friend. I'm trying to be "understanding" and give her the space and time she needs. It's hard but I believe it's the only way I'm ever going to win her back.

I'm looking for any advise on this and especially how to deal with the intense pain.

Thanks in advance.

Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: braindeadguy] #1829195
08/31/09 03:18 PM
08/31/09 03:18 PM
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givingitmyall Offline
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Quote:
I believe she really wants to work things out but she says she can't "turn off the switch" and stop loving the OM. Right now she's not sure she can ever get over him.


ALL, and I mean ALL, contact with OM HAS to stop NOW. It's your call, but for me, this would be non-negotiable. Goes along with what I have seen gucci and puppy post - "I will not share my W with anyone."

She has to agree to full transparency - she gives you access to her email accounts, cell phone records, whereabouts, everything. I'm sure I have left some things out, but you get the picture. If she wants your trust, she's gonna have to earn it back. This is the first step.

Are you sure that OM's W knows? I assume she was a "friend" of yours? If so, and assuming she knows, why didn't she tell you? All I'm saying is (and to borrow another phrase from puppy) "All cheaters lie." Just cuz your W said OM's W knows DOES NOT mean it is so. I would reach out to OM's W and make sure she knows. You would want the same from her.

Others should be along to help out more on this.

Keep your head up.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current
Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: braindeadguy] #1829196
08/31/09 03:24 PM
08/31/09 03:24 PM
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Posts: 2,148
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theoden Offline
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Breaindeadguy,

I suggest you read The Divorce Remedy.

Read it, and remember, you have options.

The temptation is to sit around, be miserable, and wait for your wife and OM to determine what happens to you.

As long as she's dating the OM, she won't notice you or ANYTHING you do. Even if the OM broke up with her, she's hoping his reconciliation attempts with his wife will fail and he'll return to her.

Right now she feels it's hard to get over him. She's really in LOVE with him. It may take 6 months to 24 months for her to get over him. She may never. No guarantees.

You hear a lot about "getting a life" on these boards. The basic idea is you find yourself again, take care of yourself, be the best person possible, and perhaps, your spouse will notice and come back. Unfotunately, when your marriage is at stake, our spouses can tell the gatting a life activities are really just to win them back.

The best book I've seen on getting a life is a program designed to help certain types of men become whole and integrated regardless of what happens in their marriage. It's called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Get the book. It might help you.

Theoden




Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: braindeadguy] #1829197
08/31/09 03:24 PM
08/31/09 03:24 PM
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Coach Offline
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Coach  Offline
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BDG, To deal with the pain know that it won't last. Stay busy to keep your hands and mind active. You aren't alone on your journey but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

This needs to be addressed because that is not the way to handle it.
Quote:
I'm trying to be the "good guy" and be my wife's friend. I'm trying to be "understanding" and give her the space and time she needs. It's hard but I believe it's the only way I'm ever going to win her back.



Being a "Nice Guy" isn't healthy. Being a man is the cure. Sometimes being a friend means you take a stand, set boundaries and practice tough love.

Deal with the bomb you got dropped on you. Do not contact your wife while you are raw about this.

You can handle it.

Coach


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: braindeadguy] #1829199
08/31/09 03:25 PM
08/31/09 03:25 PM
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PMA_Baby! Offline
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BDG - UGH!!! Sorry you're going through this. It sux we all know. First things first. Have you read DB/DR? Also read Hold onto your nuts/Getting the Love you want/ Love languages... all help figure out what went wrong.

Next, work on you. You are correct. It's great that she was STRONG enough to tell you the truth. Many WAS are not which means chances are they will not be STRONG enough to do the WORK that is required to save your marriage.

Now back to your approach. I disagree with what you said. DO NOT tell her that you will wait for her for 2 years let alone 2 weeks while she has an affair. I understand the dedication but it is weak and shows low self-worth. Why do you DESERVE to be treated like that? Where you mean, controlling, abusive, etc etc??? Doesnt matter. There is NO JUSTIFICATION for ADULTERY. These are her issues. You need to deal with your issues. Whatever you did to screw up things from your side needs to be addressed and fixed. Part of what you did is play the "nice guy" role and let her walk on you like you still are. RESPECT is what all these issues are about. Once you lose RESPECT for eachother all bets are off.

How do you get back that RESPECT? You set BOUNDARIES and stand by them. RESPECT BOUNDARY NUMBER 1. I will not be in an "OPEN" Marriage. Let her know that you will not stand for her behavior and until she makes up her mind to act like an adult you will not engage in any other conversations with her other then about the kids. Once she starts RESPECTING your BOUNDARIES then you can talk about your M.

In the mean time do everything you read on here for yourself. GAL, 180's, PMA. Focus on the kids they will need the structure and stability.


Good Luck. PMA

Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: theoden] #1829228
08/31/09 04:00 PM
08/31/09 04:00 PM
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robx Offline
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Originally Posted By: theoden
You hear a lot about "getting a life" on these boards. The basic idea is you find yourself again, take care of yourself, be the best person possible, and perhaps, your spouse will notice and come back. Unfotunately, when your marriage is at stake, our spouses can tell the gatting a life activities are really just to win them back.


Turn this thing around by using what has worked on you.

Your spouse is having an affair with the OM, dropped the bomb, told you ILYBINILWY and all that other WAS script.

What happened, your world came crashing down (admit it), felt lonely, depressed, very little value, lethargic, hurt, etc.

This all happened because she generated a fear of loss with you. She took control of the relationship and kicked you to the curb and you could do nothing about it.

That is why detaching, getting a life and yes... DATING are so powerful. It shows you're moving on, it shows you no longer allow their actions to control your life, it shows that your not a pea brain, that you see that there are plenty of other people in this world to have a relationship with, it shows you have value, you have good self-esteem, it shows you have confidence and self-respect and that you won't let them dictate the course of your life. When you date, start to wear new clothes, go to the gym, take care of yourself, start to have the joy of life back in you again, they 2nd guess themselves - this isn't the person I left, what's wrong with this picture? They should be home, cowering in a corner, an emotional mess but they aren't. They're dating again, but what about me, how can they get over me so quickly - maybe I was wrong about them? Now my affair is over and I don't have my backup plan anymore because I knew that he wasn't good enough to get anyone else and he would always be there waiting for me because I controlled this situation but now i'm not in control anymore and I don't have a backup plan and now I don't have my other person or my spouse anymore, I don't have anything..... OMG what have I done?!

Generating a fear of loss is the way to wake up the WAS that is having an affair.


"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."
Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: robx] #1829257
08/31/09 04:41 PM
08/31/09 04:41 PM
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Butterfly1 Offline
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All these folks have wise advice. You'll get a lot of support here. Even if inside you are dying for reconsiliation, walk the walk of GAL.

I've read some books on affairs, and they say sometimes the WAS won't just walk away from the OM. It takes time to let them go too. But your W will know this is what she must do and start the process sooner if you show her that the only way to have your M is if she does stop contact with OM.

I would take space and wait until/if she does this. If she can have you and the OM too she may drag out the process of saying good-bye to OM. If she knows definitively that she will lose you unless she goes through - what may seem to her as a painful process of - good-bye to OM, she will do it. If she doesn't, you save yourself a long period of pain.

I pray she will value what you have in you M and make the right choice to relinquish the OM and work on a better M with you. It's a long road to trust again but she has to have both feet planted in the M or it can't work.

You can do it!


Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship
Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: Butterfly1] #1829598
09/01/09 12:14 AM
09/01/09 12:14 AM
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braindeadguy Offline OP
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Thanks for the advice but I need to explain more. First, I've read both of Michelle's divorce books. That's how I found the site.

Wife and I talked again tonight. The OM decided he wants to try to work on things with his wife and has left my wife and the affair. He still wants to be "friends" but his wife is trying to prevent all contact. The problem is that he WON'T break fully from my wife. He's trying to hold on to her in case his sitch with his own wife and family doesn't work out. Selfish bum!!

Anyway....my wife keeps saying she WILL stay with me if he leaves her but will "never be happy." She says that she's totally in love with this guy and we could never have the same thing even if she and I get back what we had. (Oh yeah....it hurts worse than anything!!)

She's been in the relationship for 4 years. The first 2 were as friends and they got slowly closer and about 2 1/2 years ago it went to the level it's at now.

With the limited contact they've had, I can't see how she could be truly in love with this idiot. I think she's just "in love" with the way he makes her feel because he's playing her like a grand piano.

My fear is that when he finally pull away (or she give him the "it's me or your wife" speech and he stays with the wife) she will come back to me but it will never be happy for her.

I believe she can overcome the feelings she has toward him but I'm not a woman so I don't understand them.

I love my wife with all my heart and soul. I never believed I'd ever be able to forgive an affair but I'm ready to do it if she's willing to come back. But I don't want to stay in a relationship where she's always thinking of someone else and how much she'd have rather been with him. THAT is just too painful.

Any comments?

Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: braindeadguy] #1829617
09/01/09 12:41 AM
09/01/09 12:41 AM
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givingitmyall Offline
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Yeah:

Quote:
He still wants to be "friends" but his wife is trying to prevent all contact.


His W is smart. You have to do the same. If your W won't stop all contact with him, and is totally open to proving that to you (transparency), you have to take a stand. Otherwise, you are fighting a losing battle man.

I don't hear you saying you will insist on those things.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current
Re: Wife confessed affair...I'm falling apart but.... [Re: braindeadguy] #1829903
09/01/09 02:26 PM
09/01/09 02:26 PM
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Coach Offline
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Quote:
I don't want to stay in a relationship where she's always thinking of someone else and how much she'd have rather been with him.


Say that out loud, looking yourself in the eye in the mirror. Keep doing it until something stirs in you.

Let us know how you feel after you do that.

I promise you won't be "braindeadguy" after that.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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