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sosadoh Offline OP
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I posted in Newcomers but really need advice. To make loooong stories short, I am in a long distance relationship with my husband b/c I am in grad school, and he got a new job. We've had problems before, stemming from his unhappiness with life in general. He's been a real jerk just in the past couple of weeks, turns out from me reading his email and phone records he is having some sort of affair and that there has been infidelity with another woman in past. Don't know details. Almost flew down to confront him yesterday and got halfway there (I had connecting flight) before my parents talked me out of it- said I should do it over the phone rather than pursuing him down there. They say if there's any hope for reconciliation he will come here. I am screaming with pain- haven't slept or eaten much. Will confront tomorrow when he calls. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM, despite everything!!!! PLEASE advise about confronting him and what I should tell him about going from here. I have a plane ticket to go down next week- should I go? Or tell him that my door is open as soon as HE is ready to heal the marriage? Don't want to make demands but my same old same old is pursuing, appeasing, etc. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me 28
H 34
M 3yrs
D 10/12/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...526#Post2088526

"He was powerful and I died of love in his shadow."
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Hello. Sorry to see that you find yourself here. Just calm down and others will respond shortly.

First off, I wouldn't even thing about reconciliation. Just take care of yourself as best you can.

Backtracking a bit. I don't think it's an MLC. I think you just have someone who just doesn't feel like being M anymore. The reason I say that is because it doesn't seem like he had any of the traditional MLC triggers.

Does he call you often? My suggestion is that when he does, don't answer. Let it go to VM. After the 3rd call, maybe respond that your phone was off. And that you've been busy. Then turn off your phone. You need to put the ball back into your court.

Right now if he's been acting like a jerk, he's at the A stage where no matter what you do, it will make him respond negatively to you. So the choice you have is to not play his game.

Think of it like a little kid who wants dessert. He'll scream, curse, think his mom's the worst person around, but as long as the mom doesn't acknowledge it, the kid will calm down and have to think of alternatives.

As hard as it is, don't contact him.

Also I notice that your original register date was last year in Jan. Did you have problems with him then? If so, fill us in and we'll offer any insights.

We're here for you and we've all been in your shoes.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Agreed on not repsonding right away for those very reasons.

And I personally would not handle the matter over the phone. Nor would I say the door is open even tho you want him back.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
Agreed on not repsonding right away for those very reasons.

And I personally would not handle the matter over the phone. Nor would I say the door is open even tho you want him back.
I agree with everyone else. And Dday's right, don't say the door is open.

Have you read DR yet? I really recommend that. Stop the begging, pursuing, answering on the 3rd call is good, but only if you absolutely have to: if it's about business or something like that he really needs an answer for. No calling to chat or R talk.

If you need to vent or whatever, just post here and the people here are really great.


Karen


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sosadoh Offline OP
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Thank you all for your advice- it really helps! I did read DB about a year and half ago when we had our first crisis period- didn't know it until now but apparently he was having another affair then. I applied some of the tactics but probably backslid as things got better in the relationship and then worse again. Have started reading over again. Lately I have been a total doormat, pretending that I don't know and trying to win him back by initiating phone sex, applauding him for EVERYTHING, etc. because he claimed I was being selfish and didn't really care about him. (SOOO not true, clearly I would not be here) But... I am just now realizing I was continually going down the same cheeseless tunnel- I would compliment him, get a smile, which would make me feel good, but that wouldn't turn into anything more. I thought by making him feel good, he wouldn't need to turn to another woman to make him feel good, but apparently she's doing something for him, and pursuing him and it's working for her.

Here's my question for you all now- what about confronting him? I have decided not to call him, have even temporarily turned my phone off, but I have to tell him that I know what's going on. I don't want to handle the matter over the phone but he lives halfway across the country (we are in a LDR) and I know that going there would be even worse, so how do I communicate to him that I am not answering the phone because the cat is out of the box? I would like to just say to him that I know he is involved with another woman and that he needs to come clean and whatever he says just say to him "when you want this marriage, you come talk to me, and make a commitment to working through your issues with a therapist, not through affairs." and THEN go dark. But do you think I shouldn't even do that?

About the MLC, he IS young, however exhibits HUGE insecurities and preoccupations with growing old and not achieving certain things by his age (maybe that's why he married me?), started working out and obsessing about eating well (I think the 1st OW was a nutritionist and fitness buff), etc. Has cycles- is somewhat dependable, unhappy but optimistic, dreams and schemes with me about our future plans together, tells me he's dying to have kids and is impatient for me to finish school to have them. suddenly becomes horrified at any responsibility. he doesn't want a mortgage, or children, or marriage. This is the 3rd cycle and the first time I've discovered infidelity, which is my boundary line.
I just don't know how he's going to get that I know about the affair if I don't tell him- he'll think I'm just blowing him off for no good reason. What to do?


Me 28
H 34
M 3yrs
D 10/12/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...526#Post2088526

"He was powerful and I died of love in his shadow."
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I would think lack of response to his calls would be enough to get his mind going to thinking you know what's going on and he may very well 'come clean' on his own.

Another thing I've seen and heard is to not let him know what you know, just that you know.

I would certainly not insert your thoughts on what he needs to do about it, ie therapist or anything else, that will only make matters worse, all you can really say is 'you need to figure out what it is you need to do' and walk away. Given it's a LDR, that may work in your favor as you don't have day to day exposure to one another. Not sure.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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I'm going through a similiar situation now...WAS with OM. My MC said to calmly confront my W and let her know that I know about the A (I did, but she is still denying it). Then MC said to go dark and back off completely. She said the A will most likely continue, but I will have burst the bubble and the A will burn out eventually (might be 6 months, might be sooner). She said then it would be up to my W to make contact if she wanted to express regret and work on our marriage AND it would be up to me if I wanted that.

One key thing she said - you can not force someone to end an affair. That only makes it more exciting and they will just carry it on behind your back.

You are now in the driver's seat. So act like it. Get a life, reconnect with your friends, take care of yourself, exercise, take up a new hobby. You can only control one person - yourself. I don't know if you are legally separated, but in most states, you have to be separated for 12 months. So nothing is going to happen now. Slow down, take a deep breath. Time is your ally.

God bless!

Last edited by WalkbyFaith; 08/27/09 06:25 PM.
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I would confront him about the A, but do it very matter-of-factly. Something like, "I know about your A with... I do not appreciate your lying and blaming me to cover your own insecurities, inadequacies, shame and guilt. For once act like a MAN and stop blaming women, especially me, for your problems."

Then end it. Don't call him, don't respond. Don't do anything that has to do with him.

When you mention something like I mentioned above, it shows him that you have confidence and will not be treated like a doormat any more.

He may end up leaving you, but do you really have such a low opinion of yourself that you would take him back while he's with OW? Show him strength and confidence.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 107
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sosadoh Offline OP
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Thanks stuck and faith.
He called me a million times today and got progressively more updet about me not calling back- many voicemails. Finally called my brother then dad, who told him I was here and that I would call him tomorrow. Proceeded to leave me voicemails begging me to call him and be fair and just tell him.
Well I called him- this is what I said:
"I know that you have been unfaithful to me. You have completely broken my trust and it's unacceptable."
He says "unfaithful? what are you talking about?"
I say: "I have my sources. I am not comfortable discussing this with you further at the moment." And I hung up as he continued to protest. It's been about 45 minutes and he has thus far left me 6 voicemails telling me there's been a misunderstanding and that we need to talk about it, and by dealing with it like this- not talking to him- is not helping. He guessed that I read his emails and said a girlfriend had done the same thing in the past and accused him and he broke up with her. Is he threatening me?
I don't think a woman sending him naked photos of herself, and him forwarding it to his secondary email address can be misunderstood. Also- if I'm wrong, as he continues to claim, then why doesn't he tell my voicemail what the truth is. Why do I have to call him? I assume the thing to do is not call him, right? Maybe if he calls me in a couple days and wants to come clean and is calm THEN talk to him?


Me 28
H 34
M 3yrs
D 10/12/2010

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...526#Post2088526

"He was powerful and I died of love in his shadow."
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ugh! did I read this sitch right that this is second affair?
what benefits does the H bring to the table. have u asked yourself why u want to be together?


TR Rose
T-10
M-6
H-39-
W-36-
S-4
D-1
Bomb 4/09
Blow up 8/09
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