How can WAS put themselves before their children?

[WalkbyFaith]

This wasn't meant to be a "Bash the WAS" thread. It's an honest question that I can't answer no matter how hard I try. If I ever wanted to leave my W, it would only take one look at my children to snap me back to reality.

[MrBond]

It's an honest question. I think many of us LBSs have thought the same thing.

For the WAWs who take a question like this personally, lighten up. We all are handling the sitches to the best of our abilities. We all come here for one thing...clarity.

You learn from us, we learn from you. Are all sitches the same? Of course not. We all just live and learn.

[antlers]

This wasn't meant to be a "Bash the WAS" thread. It's an honest question that I can't answer no matter how hard I try. If I ever wanted to leave my W, it would only take one look at my children to snap me back to reality.

I didn't say that what I posted earlier wasn't true...it is! Not in all cases...but in many, many cases it is! People are able to justify to themselves that it's OK for them to do whatever it is that they want to do...'if' they want to do it bad enough, especially in cases of cheating!

[Dia]

Not related to the children thing, but in general...

As long as I was blaming my H for the bulk of the problems in our M, I was blind to any issues in myself that needed fixing. I mean, yeah, they were there, but why should *I* have to go first? It seemed like all I ever did in our M was go first. Dangitall, I wanted HIM to go first with fixing something for a change.

Guess what? Maybe he 'should' have gone first, but shoulds didn't get me anywhere but closer to divorce.

Once I stopped blaming my H, there was this ongoing string of realizations.

"Crap - I screwed *that* up."

"Double crap - I did this other bit wrong, too."

And so on.

So I started working on me. And in particular, working on being someone I could forgive for her failings. And lo and behold, once I had forgiven me, I found I had forgiven him, too.

Where I'm really going with this is about blame, tho.

The more energy you put into blaming your WAS, the longer you'll be blind to anything on your side that might be standing in the way of progress.

Please note that I am not defending WAS. What I am saying is that for a whole lot of WAS, there were valid reasons why they left. If you want the WAS to come back, eliminate any valid reasons for their departure.

Edit: Oh yeah. And what am I doing now in trying to get my H back? Going first. I think it's 25mlc who has a quote in her sig that reads, "I'd rather be happy than right."

[Dia]

BTW, it occurred to me after the edit window expired that my post might possibly be taken as bashing LBS in general or some of the posters on this thread specifically.

So let me rephrase...

If any of us, WAS, LBS, etc. spend too much time or energy blaming our spouses, we blind ourselves to issues that need fixing on our own side of the fence.

[dday101798]

Very well put Dia, and so very true.

[Dia]

I had another thought, and this time on the topic of WAS putting themselves first.

If any of you have the Mars/Venus book, it might be good to read the bits about 'resentment flu.' I know this was my experience, and I'm pretty sure I've heard it from other WAS around here too.

We spent so long putting everyone else in the family first and we felt like our efforts were taken for granted. We didn't see our spouse or our children thanking us, appreciating us or making an effort to put US first every now and then. We sacrificed sleep, careers, our own interests, our own time and a bajillion and a half of our own preferences.

Finally, even the little bitty stuff started to drive us absolutely crazy.

I like a good, dark roasted coffee but my H hates it so we always drank brown crayon water.

I like gumbo, salsa and other dishes to be spicy (!) but H and kidlet don't, so when I cook I make these things to their taste, not mine.

On movie night, we virtually always watched something that H or kidlet wanted. If I expressed a preference, I often got over-ruled.

Yes, those are so minor that they almost aren't worth mentioning. But if you're already in the place of resenting those things, you've suborned yourself for so long that it's big, it's bad, and it's the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Here's the thing - the resentful WAS is *extremely* complicit in all of this. She/He needs to speak up civilly and proactively and not *allow* her family to walk all over her, take her for granted, etc.

Important note: THE WAS CANNOT SEE THIS AT THAT TIME!!

Other important note: It is highly likely that the WAS *has* been communicating these feelings. Perhaps not clearly, perhaps not in a positive fashion - but if you look, I'll bet they have.

And by and large, they did not feel heard.

So finally the WAS reaches a point where if nobody else is going to put them first or see to their own wants and needs, they're going to do it themselves. In a perfect world, they could do this positively, healthily and within the context of a loving and supportive marriage and family relationship.

But if the family hasn't been hearing them...

If the family has been getting grumpy with the WAS for expressing the feelings or blaming the WAS for having said feelings...

BOOM - they walk.

[dday101798]

Again, very well put and agreed from the aspect of a LBS.

Thanks Dia!

[Dia]

Another thing to read up on, esp. for those of you with an inclination toward Jung, is the concept of carrying the shadow. You can see this in families where there is an acknowledged 'black sheep'. Somehow, some way, the family can only continue to function if the black sheep continues to be a screw up. This allows the other members to feel secure in their roles as 'the good ones'. They may even subtly or not so subtly encourage or enable the negative behaviours and choices of the black sheep.

It's only my own personal opinion, but I think there's a strong element of carrying the shadow both for the WAS *and* for the LBS/family.

Afterall, it's not comfortable for any of us to claim our own pieces of shadow. It's so much easier to let the black sheep carry it all for us. Integration is hard.

<shrug> One woman's opinion - for whatever it's worth.

[Dia]

and c.f. related concept in Object Relations called 'splitting'