A friend once told me something along the lines of: If you make choices deliberately and out of your own free will, and these choices make a huge impact on others' lives, you really have no right to have an opinion whether they should tell others about it.
And yeah, she told her H's family, friends, employers before kicking his sorry behind out within a week of finding out about his A.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.
I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.
I did exactly that. I thought for sure I could get supportive friends to essentially do an "intervention" since H had clearly lost his mind. Unfortunately, no one had the guts to speak to him, and I got lectured about boundaries and reading H's emails. Which, astonishingly, was considered a larger problem than him leaving his family for someone else. no support from his church community, either. And it moved H from separation to divorce--probably because I was out there, as we used to say, "wearing cellophane shorts" and completely unsupported.
so I would say from my experience, be absolutely sure (altho I was!) that the people you ask to intervene will, indeed, come through in favor of the marriage and not bail because it's uncomfortable.
which is not to say, don't expose. just be sure you have all your ducks in a row before you do so.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.
I vote, "Don't tell unless you have to". Talk to your spouse first and ask her to stop, have one close friend come with you to ask her to stop, and if she doesn't....get a group from church to come talk to her. If that doesn't help, then expose more.....I believe it is fighting for your marriage in a fair way.
I like this approach. It's biblical.
Puppy
yes it is. which is why I chose it. it would probably blow up in your face very rarely--my sitch is not typical.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
They both teach at the same high school, but in different departments. He is PE and football coach, she is science. So they would rarely have the chance to see each other at work. This really took off this summer since neither works and my wife started going out more often with friends from work. He happens to be one of the group of 5 - 10 who kind of hung out this summer. It went from there. School started back here yesterday, so by default they will not be texting/calling each other quite as much. I'm sure that one fact helps some, but that will only diminish it during work hours and his practice/games.
And yes, I agree that OM being divorced makes the decision tougher. In my mind, it would be a no-brainer to tell OM's wife if he were still married.
Regarding her family: I think on the surface they would be supportive of the marriage, but if push came to shove, I'm not sure which side of the fence they would fall on.
I would say my marital style has been more controlling.
I believe in controlled exposure, at least that is what worked for me. before I even confronted my h, I told my best friend (who happens to be an IC) and my sister. I was in SHOCK and needed to talk. I held nothing back, gathered information/proof of the affair, and even shipped it off to my sister in VA (had no idea whether him having an affair would affect a possible D if we went that route, and didn't want to give him a chance to hide anything). eventually I talked to both my mother and his mother. I'm very close to his mother and she was devastated by the affair, but at the same time I learned just how much thicker blood is than water.
I pretty much kept it there. eventually told a couple of other close friends, one who I needed help with childcare so I could make IC/MC appts.
I did NOT go to his work, or to his business community (they did work together). turns out many of them knew anyway (he didn't realize that till much later, so funny how sly people think they are).
for me, I needed some people to know because I needed support. but I also wanted to keep a safe path home to my H should he choose to take it.
eventually when the affair didn't end, after many promises that it had, I asked for a separation. he eventually moved in with her, and reality set in for both of them. nothing takes the edge off a fantasy than reality.
in a nutshell, I am happy with how I handled things and have zero regret on that front. glad I told who I told, and glad I didn't bring a ton of people into it and we were able to reconcile.
good luck with whatever you decide!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Would the A constitute a violation of any contracts? Innappropriate relations of whatever? Exposing it to employers may cost a job. Not that that would affect my choice whether to expose it or not.
Even if I chose to not "expose" it, I wouldn't keep it a secret. If someone asked me what was going on, I would be honest about it.
If they are doing something that they cant be honest about, maybe they shouldnt be doing it!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I told my friends (our friends) after I told him I knew something was up with the specific woman. I told his dad who asked him and of course xH denied everything.
I was accused of being crazy and finding ways, inoccent victims to pin my inadequacy as a wife on. I did not follow my gut feeling to show up at a few of his trips.
2 years later, August 5th, my keylogger worked. 1000 emails and 400 pics. The story of a love affair. It started :May 2006. The affair was on for 3 years. Seeing each other every day, thinking of moving in together, an abortion, trips, vacation, all that while we were living in the same house and most of that, before the bomb even. (once he moved out, there were problems in Paradise).
I told everybody and of course ended the fake reconciliation he had asked for (they are still seeing each other). stbxH is mad at me but feels relieved as he says. He told me that every time I was feeling something was wrong, I was right...
I would tell everybody if I had hard proof. I would not make the same mistake again, where I just expressed my suspicions he was cheating but never went ahead to prove it. I closed my eyes and hoped it was something "small". I would hire a PI. It would have saved me years of my life. K
