Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
hey native, our stories are slightly similar (one carrying the M and doing it all, S couldnt' care less, exS with a significant other not caring how it affects kid/s)

Anyways, to answer your question, how to move on...right now things are still pretty fresh, the D just went through and there is , understandably, anger and frustration on your part, it's a feeling I had to fight with a lot as I drove myself mad trying to rehash the past in my head and trying to have it all make sense. It's an excersize in futility, I suggest you push the forward button in your brain and avoid such torture.

When those thought come,and come they will, quickly remind yourself that those were painful times, but that you are in a new path and will/deserve a new happy life.

How to treat her? well, the best advice I got was from a parenting book called "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce by Elizabeth Thayer " It was a lifesaver during the times I seethed in anger as we decided when he'd have my kids overnight, how to deal with him, etc etc. The thing I remember the most was about thinking about the coparenting with your ex as a business transaction. The business being your daughter, you want her to thrive and do great, so you compromise accordingly, you treat the other person courteoulsly and business-like keeping feelings at bay.

It seemes hard now but trust me, it works. Mainly, work on forgiveness, as long as your hurt keeps bringing up what was or how she hurt you/family you will be unable to heal, or heal properly without deep wounds. My prayers your way, I know you will do just fine, you sound like you've learned lots from what has happened, something we can't say about our exSs who have jumped into a new R thinking "this time" it will really be all roses/perfect.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
I guess I am just now really dealing with the reality of divorce and what it means for me, my daughter. Having a hard time imagining what kind of life she is going to have, how it will affect her understanding of relationships. I could start over so much easier if it werent for my concerns for her, the fact that I can't move, even travel for extended periods because of her. I would never abandon her but it limits the possibilities of starting over. What about the difficulties of blending a family? Should I date, just have friends, just be a parent, marry, marry a divorcee, someone with children, someone without.....At this point I admit I am lost as to the best direction. I am lost here. Where to go to get clarification and guidance in this situation? Too many questions, too many complications.


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
Cat03,

Just saw your post after I posted above. Thanks for your input. It is encouraging, especially to hear from someone who has the same struggles and dealt with the same sitch.

Perhaps what resonated most with me is the thought that she has moved on, but not really learned from this. I think if she had, she would be talking reconcilliation, because she was at least half the problem here.

It may be petty, but there is a large part of me that wants to see her regret her decisions, that wants to see her fail and in the end, apologise as she realizes the hell she has put me as a husband and parent through. Not to mention what she is doing to our D.

She comes from a family of multiple divorces though, and I don't know if many of them learned anything from what they went through.

Thanks for the book reference though. I will need to switch my focus from relationship books to post-relationship books to get through this, and feel the need of some sort of local divorce care group or personal counselling. I don't think I am depressed, but I don't feel happy.


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
Cat03,

You mention that our situations are similar. I would like to read yours, but mostly find where you are posting to others threads. Can you show me where I can read your story?


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
Ex wife was sick all last week, and her new bf who lives about 30 min away apparantly did not visit much bc she did not want him or he did not want to get sick and miss work, as she explained to me.

I was not sure what to do. Whether to let her suffer through it alone, or to visit and do what I could to help.

I chose the latter, and found her appreciative of my efforts, but later in the week, after she got better she spent Saturday with new bf.

Now I am angry. I guess I thought I might get some brownie points for being available to her while she was sick...but it wasnt enough to matter.

Having a hard time knowing how to play this. I am not ready to really move on, keep hoping that she will have an epiphiny, but it doesnt ever happen.

Even though I know a lot of her decision to leave the marriage is due to her own issues, I still wonder if it is a valid indictment on me as a husband. It is hard to properly sift this whole thing out. I want to gain wisdom from it, but I go back and forth between feeling like maybe she was right and I was the problem, to the feeling that she was immature and uncommitted.

Im sure the truth lies inbetween, but the pendulum swang in her favor after a family birthday party tonight.

My brother was a serious a**hole, and I'm pretty sure he has no clue he was.

When he and his family arrived at the restaurant, I convivially insisted he come and sit at the center of the table as he was the birthday boy. Of course I meant his wife too. (I got stuck at the end of the table at my last birthday,and was unable to visit with anyone except the person to my immediate left...was not too happy about it)

He was a bit perturbed and said he was going to sit next to his wife. They did move to the center of the table eventually, but not after he made it known that he did not appreciate my attempt to secure for him that honored spot.

Later he mentioned he liked my new shirt. I said that I had just gotten it the other day, in anticipation of dating. I followed that up with the explaination that ex wife has a bf, sort of as a justification of why I felt free to date now.

I felt compelled to justify it bc in previous conversations, he felt that I had no business dating anyone, that it was too soon after the divorce, even tho ex w. had been dating this guy for a month prior to our divorce at the time of that conv.

So he just shut the conversation down. Said he did not want to hear about it.

At which point I am seriously put out. I tried to give him the seat of honor and he rebuffs me. I want to share a bit about my life, and he shuts me down.

Besides being offended, I wonder.........was I ever this idiotic to my wife? If so, I would soooo understand why she gave up.

And what is so confusing to me is that my brother, who is obviously to me so dense, has apparantly a wonderful marriage, makes a lot of $$$, has a nice house and two kids....is not a mean spirited person, just an ignorant ass at times,.....how does he succeed in marriage and buisness if he acts like that to his wife or others?

My only conclusion is that his wife is a saint, or he doesnt treat her like he did/does me.

Anyway, I have a fairly disfunctional family. I feel like I survived it and outgrew it, but who really knows?

How much of the insensitivity that is the hallmark of my family is still part of me? And am I as unaware of the hurtfullness of my remarks (as respecting my ex wife) as my brother is unaware of the hurtfullness of his to me?

Last edited by native; 09/27/09 10:39 AM.

Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,106
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,106
Hey native, Good to hear from you again!

Sorry to hear your brother was such an a**hole. Maybe it was just because it was his b'day & he didn't want to get into a heavy convo. Or maybe he just doesn't really understand & is an emotional bully. I have a GF like that & after getting slammed verbally by her, I never talked about my M or R after that to her.

I, as well, am trying to find which is the right path towards my x. I still love my xh, yet I see little change that he has learned anything from all this. So, would I want him back as is - nope. Have I moved on yet - nope - still trying to figure that one out & have ordered some after divorce books. Live & learn & do what makes you happy. Kinda sounds like you should not have gone out of your way for her when she was sick. Unless, you can keep the "no expectations" in the right frame of mind. Don't start blaming this all on yourself, it's not all your fault & you know that. After all of this, I think when you don't come from a Leave it to Beaver family, M is a hundred times harder & when both do - it's a million times harder. Inside, I do admit, I hold a grudge for my x, that did not really try. Really trying means M counseling & sorting through the problems areas & really working on yourself. (Not just going through the motions). Some people just cannot face that guilt, fear & unhappiness within.

Hope you have a nice Sunday! smile


Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
msm,

Yes, overall, it has been a beautiful Sunday...weatherwise certainly.

Emma and I went to a new church this morning, a kind of mega-church, because it has a divorce-care ministry and there are going to be a lot more single Christian women, which from just a few hours there proved to be true. I felt a lot better knowing I might meet someone there eventually as I got more involved. Even had one semi-flirtatious encounter, not overt, but I got a little play, which is encouraging for me, at 48, even though I look like I could be in my mid thiries.

Just can't get to the place where I dont detest ex-w tho. She spent the night with her new bf, because on the way to church I saw her car was not at home. So what I want to know is, is it ok if I call her a who**ing, betraying b***h? Sorry, but that felt like it needed to be said. Maybe now I can move past my anger.

In many ways I feel relieved to be 'done' with her, as much as I am. She can be someone elses problem, which no doubt will happen as they move from the honeymoon stage to the after honeymoon stage.

I struggle with the desire to see her get hurt in her new relationship...I know its wrong, but........however, I don't plan to do anything to make that happen.

The only thing I expect I will do is not be so quick to take our daughter at her convenience. She and the new bf need to learn how a 7 yo affects the whole romance thing. Right now they are in fantasy land, and tho I want to protect my d, I don't want to accomodate their fantasy.

You are right about only helping if the expectations can be kept in check. I don't know if I can do it. I thought she would really have a revelation about who is going to be there for her and who isnt. Well, next time I can tell you who isnt.....

Now off to enjoy what is left of a very beautiful day indeed.

Thanks for sharing Msm...


Last edited by native; 09/27/09 07:36 PM.

Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
Wondering if I should tally up the amount of $$$ she owes me for skipping out on our mutual obligations, as well as the $$$ for time and material I have put into the house to help it sell?

She certainly owes the first amount, as I made all the payments for almost a year without her, tho her name was on the deed and the credit cards. We had been both paying before.

Funny, one of the things she complained about was not having enough $$$. Now she is broke by the 15th, and has no working stove or laundry. No $$ for a needed car repair. Hates her job still, but her evil boss was not enough for her to choose our marriage over her job.

She constantly elicits sympathy, but creates her own misery.


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
N
native Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 369
I am so put out by her.....so angry. I am a good man and I loved her as best I could under the circumstances, ie her depression and lack of reciprocation/initiation in romance.

I hate her right now. She bailed on our family, like she bailed on sports that became too hard in high school ( her mother allowed her to bail).

I didnt think she was a quitter when I married her. She seemed to be rejecting so much of the way she was brought up.

She disgusts me.


Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
I know how hard it is, but you need to let that anger and resentment go. I learned that the very hard way.

I found the easiest way is to view my X clearly as the person she is now, and not the person she was. And the person she is now, I want no part of, and from there things got better.

Prior, that anger would just pent up and then explode when X would do something, as most cheating X's do to get a rise out of you. It seemed like a rechargeable battery for my XW to refuse to face the facts of how many lives are now royally screwed up.

Adding up financials? Why bother, other than to just torture yourself some more, which we inevitably do to ourselves.

So hang in there, lookk at her for who she is now and ask yourself if she's really someone to be concerned over and is worth the wasted energy in all this anger.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard