I got angry and Wife and I had argument. I let her know I was NOT happy about infidelity and felt she betrayed us and used as an excuse to break up our relationship. She said she had been gone emotionally for some time and if it wasn't that she would have found something else. I reminded her she admitted last week she really didn't want to work on counseling 5 years ago. She said yes because she never saw a behavior change on my part. I reminded her there was some change. She said not enough and then she started to shut down emotionally. My coach says anger is not bad because it shows people still care about each other or they wouldn't bother. Later last night she asked to talk to me and was upset about the argument because daughter 9 had heard it. I apologized and said that was not my intent at all, but I just needed to make sure she understood I do NOT condone or approve of what she is doing, that I know she wants out and I want to make it work, that I know she wants me to move on to other people which is what she believes she is doing, but that's not how I'm made. I can't do that because I know I have to work on myself before I can be in any relationship and that I was sorry that she didn't know that about me or feel that because of my poor behavior in the bedroom, but that is truly me. She started to tear up a bit and I smiled at her. She smiled back. I asked "are you going to see him again." She said he is still in the area until Tue and she is going to see him Mon. I said, "that hurts, I hate this." She said "would you rather I lie to you?" I said no, but at least now she is crystal clear on my position. She said she probably wouldn't see him again for weeks because he will be going back to LA. She also said she was trusting me not to hurt her with this admission which my DB Coach says is progress that Wife is willing to tell me these things. She also said that my behavior was not making her feel close to me, but pushing her away and making her want to flee. I repeated that I was sorry, that was my true feelings and they came out the wrong way. That I am going to fix my issues regardless, and she repeated she really is happy about that and wants me to be happy. I am back to being lovingly detached, but MAN those emotions. I told her I just really needed her to know this is where I'm at. After we smiled at each other I said "you look cute, I've always loved that smile." Then I reminded her of what she has always said, "that she would never leave me for sex, but only for love." I said "Miss you would never leave me for sex, but only love, you realize you are leading with sex again with this other man don't you?" She smiled and said yes. So I have to believe at some level she knows this other relationship may not be healthy either just new and exciting. My hope is she won't fly to LA in several weeks to see him, but again, my Coach and Divorce Remedy remind me I cannot control her only work on myself, get strong and show her what a good thing she is leaving.
James- I am so sorry for your situation, but you are in the right place and getting the help you need to get yourself straightened out. What are the issues that she see's in the relationship? I don't have any great answers, but want you to know I am following your posts and wish you the best.
Thanks - I appreciate your support Wife believes that we started out on the wrong foot.
Specifically, she thinks she shouldn't have married me because we started with a lot of sex and not enough tender making love. What she forgets or is blocking is that we did get to know each other as friends first in a codependent's anonymous support group and I went to a different group after we knew we liked each other so we could begin to date.
We lived together for a year before marriage and waited over 8 years to start to have children. What she also forgets is that we did love each other, but we both liked sex a lot and she wasn't sure she loved me enough vs. the sex we both liked.
She started to have panic attacks and went to therapy to "get through the wedding." I suffer from abandonment issues because my father committed suicide when I was 12 and as I became sexually active at 15 I used sex to heal the wounds in my heart from being abandoned by my father.
She also was never able to share herself completely because she was scared to show who she really was and so the sexual gratification became a healing balm for us both that when took too far blocked a deeper more meaningful relationship between us.
Then I began to take her love for granted and kept pushing my stupid fantasies during what should have been love making. When she objected many years ago - like 12 or 15 years back I was arrogant and chauvinistic - that I now know was STRIKE ONE, and she has never been able to forgive me for it because my behavior never changed.
Then after our first daughter was born in 2000 we weren't supposed to have sex for 6 to 9 weeks and I pushed her at 4 or 5 weeks which she when she told me no felt I had violated her. In marriage counseling 5 years ago I asked her for forgiveness for those two things, and even though she said she forgave me she now admits she didn't and has held these two things as a grudge/poison inside her all these years - STRIKE TWO.
I really tried in marriage counseling 5 years ago, but she admits she didn't want to make it work then because she didn't see my behavior change. I guess she still doesn't realize that it would have helped me change and us to get better together had she been able to work it with me and forgive. She began to SHUT DOWN her feelings and not really communicate to me her deepest feelings.
She went deep inside and as she began to fantasize about something better, I could never seem to see her hurt even though we went out on dates every week. She kept burying her hurt and I kept fantasizing during sex. My God - I am soooo sorry I have told her. Sooo blind. Sooo stupid. I brought a lot of this on myself and have resolved to change now regardless and pray her heart may yet be opened to me at some point in the future, but STRIKE THREE came after she went to her 30 year high school reunion at the end of June and hooked up with a crush she had back in high school, and this crush was also hurting in the 6th month of his separation from his wife in LA, and his father dying of cancer.
Can you guess the intensity of their coming together? My wife with a hole in her heart that I had given her, and this man with his troubles. And I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home just to have her back again. If there's someone you know and you're loving them so, but taking them all for granted.... full lyrics below:
I am Divorce Busting. I am taking care myself, I have asked God to forgive me, I have asked my sweet girl to forgive me and she says she is working on it which is positive, and I have forgiven myself through the dizzying pain, I have lost over 20 pounds almost 10% of my total body weight in 6 weeks, running 5 miles per day, reconnecting with friends, and working toward being OK, really OK with just me alone through the cold sweat at 4am and night terror of her not being there to hold, but now in someone else's arms and someone else's heart I am going to fix myself, I will do this and pray that there might be a way for us. For the woman I love whether she's in my bed or not, I love her so...
You sheltered me from harm. Kept me warm, kept me warm You gave my life to me Set me free, set me free The finest years I ever knew Were all the years I had with you
I would give anything I own, Give up me life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own, Just to have you back again.
You taught me how to love, What its of, what its of. You never said too much, But still you showed the way, And I knew from watching you. Nobody else could ever know The part of me that cant let go.
I would give anything I own, Give up me life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own Just to have you back again.
Is there someone you know, Youre loving them so, But taking them all for granted. You may lose them one day, Someone takes them away, And they dont hear the words you long to say
I would give anything I own, Give up me life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own Just to have you back again.
All I did was to verbalize things to her during sex like "you want to f.ck someone else, you want to have him," or "I'm not worthy," etc... nothing physical just fantasy about her with others...
Guess what - be careful what you say or wish for! My stupidity. Why you ask? My therapist and I have a working theory. 20 years ago I did this to my first wife and have been racked with guilt for screwing around on her. Humans being what we are...I think I deliberately screwed myself to feel the pain I have my first wife like self castigating myself for leaving her 20 years ago.
Stupid? Yes - but I am correcting this in myself and never going back to that behavior. My hope and prayer is that there may still be a way for my wife and I, but I can only work on myself and do the Divorce Busting thing...you know?
Wife has been gone since last Mon Aug 17 with our kids at "Grandma's" about 4 hours from here. While that was the original plan, it was not in the original plan prior to Wife asking for divorce that she would be with other man in the same town. I don't believe she has told her mother the truth about her whereabouts from Mon. Aug. 17 until Sat. Aug. 22, i.e. she was with OM and then pretended to come to Grandma's to be with our daughters. Other man's father finally died on Sun. from battle with cancer and Wife wants to go to service on Wed. so instead of coming home today it will now be Wed evening with our daughters. It has been lonely being in the house without daughters or anyone for over a week now. Have been getting out doing things, trying to work, etc., but it's been a struggle especially late at night and early in the morning. I'm looking forward to seeing them tomorrow night and going horseback riding with daughter 9 on Thur which I bought as part of her birthday present. Then over the weekend have friends in town for baseball and fun so Wife will be with kids and it will be my weekend out of the house with friends.
Wife believes that we started out on the wrong foot.